Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

[mymittens]

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

I loved being in hosptial - it was so peaceful. Missed ds alot though

It sounds as if you need to get a third party involved, a counsellor, as you and he are not communicating successfully, lots of being at cross-purposes.

He should be sensitive towards you at a time like this and it sounds as if he is trying. Many men find it very difficult when their partner is incapacitated or in a vulnerable state. They don't feel right in the 'caring' role and become impatient. They are squeamish and want you to get better asap. It sounds as if your doubts about the operation and your depression are making him feel very stressed.

It may not seem fair but I think it is good advice to try to put on a brave face and be cheerful. It should take the pressure off him which might allow him in turn to be more patient and understanding.

do you actually read the posts?

your options ( agai) are:

stay and continue

relate

individual counselling

divorce

you both need to break the patterns

there are no other answers here

Have read this thread (and previous ones too) and cannot believe how self-indulgent you are being, sorry, you need to listen to what other posters are saying and get some help.
Your DH must have the patience of a saint, and your poor DS should be your focus, not bickering over rubbish and bringing up supposed past "slights". You seem to relish playing the victim, at any cost.
You've had an operation, I accept that, now stop wallowing and sort out your relationship and yourself. Your son needs a Mother, you sound so self-absorbed.

Sorry if that was harsh, but you really need to give yourself a kick up the bum and get on with things

The only thing preventing you and dh from getting closer is YOU mymittens. YOU are ruining it EVERY TIME. YOU. Not HIM.

This is like talking to a brick wall. I can see why your dh keeps shouting at you.

Heck, I am almost shouting at you. And I am a stranger on the internet that doesnt care two hoots about you!

mymittens, i think you have big issues, that are greater than al this nitpicking of your dh.

I think this op, and whatever caused you to have it ( apart from the fact of discomfort of the breasts)emotionally and mentally, have totaly opened up something you need to deal wiht.

Your fears seem unfounded, your impatience is bordering on obsessive, and i really don't thik you are listneing to anyone or yourself.

I was in a relationship where my partner would "push and test me". I packed my bags and never looked back. Think very hard about what you are doing, you're not a child, but you have a child who needs you to be a mature adult.

I know there have been previous threads but if mymittens is depressed, all the 'pull yourself together' advice in the world is not going to have any effect. It may seem unreasonable to keep complaining about the same things but I think it is also not right for us to lay into her about it when we are aware that she has just had an operation and is very vulnerable. She is not in any fit state physically or emotionally to help herself at the moment. If she wants to vent (again), let's listen and try to be constructive but, if she can't or won't act on the advice, let us at least be sympathetic as well. This thread is a request for support.

skyatnight thanks for being so symapthetic. have got myself up and dressed now

mymittens. You need to see someone. I'm not saying this all is all you and your dp is some kind of martyr. Not at all. But you are miserable .

It might be your relationship, it might be depression again. But you need to get the ball rolling. DO you have a sympathetic GP?

Mymittens, have been out and was worried about how harsh I sounded on my post.
You do need to take action, you know that, don't you?
But please don't think that no-one cares, look at how many people are offering advice and sympathy, not least your DH. Get some help and then you can enjoy your DS, your DH, your life.

"if she can't or won't act on the advice, let us at least be sympathetic as well"

but that won't help the situation at all. that will only pander to her and make her think that she is right and that she is the victim in all this and that her husband is wrong to shout at her when she intentionally pushes him to provoke that exact reaction.

everyone on this thread has said that help is what she needs and that she ibu to take everything out on her husband and continue to pick fights. if she refuses to accept that advice then giving her sympath is just making things worse as it validates her persecution complex if she sees that others believe she is deserving of sympathy even though she refuses to help herself.

Actually looking at some of mymittens posts, I feel that she wants to get out of the relationship but wants an excuse. I feel like most of the posters here she is pushing for a reaction from her dh and is getting one. It seems damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, the guy can't win.

I personally think you are depressed mymittens and should see a doctor and tell him whats going on.

OMG!!! This all sounds like an attack than support to me. I find this thread totally depressing...she's here for support guys, not crucifixion.
She may be whinning etc, but isn't that what MN is all about??

Let her whine or winch, she's just had an operation FGS!!

I really don't think anyone is kicking the invalid

I think a lot of people who have contributed to this thread have also contributed to all the other threads the OP has started regarding her husband and her breast reduction operation. Many people suggested that she delay the op until she was able to sort out what she wanted to do RE her relationship.

People are perhaps frustrated that after weeks of giving advice and entering into discussion with the OP about how her behaviour could be changed to make things easier for tehm as a couple, the OP still shows no sign of taking in that advice - which she asked for repeatedly.

oh - and yes, I agree with you totally JHKE, there does seem to be a sense of wanting to push her husband so hard that he 'breaks'. I would suggest that those who are thinking people are being unfair should maybe read through some of the other threads posted by MyMittens before and some of the advice she has been given and then maybe make their minds up.

totally agree beanie.. the OP went into this with her relationship in a bad place, posting exact same issues and not taking any notice..

this is not an isolated thread

and people can only give so much, like her DH, before they get shirty.

she has said she pushes him , and pushes him to see if he will still be nice to her

counselling is necessary immediately! as has been suggested a myriad of times ebfore

And actually, i don't think people are unsympathetic - I think even people who are exasperated have been quite pleasant relatively speaking.

The consensus seems to be that the OP is clearly depressed and/or experiencing emotional trauma for which she needs to get help. Most people seem sympathetic to the fact that she's struggling. it's her refusal to get help - go see a doctor, call Relate etc - that is the issue. As far as I've seen, she's never even responded with a "no, I don't want to" on the questions about seeing a doctor or calling a helpline. She just ignores them.

I don't feel I have the right to judge her, but I think that attacking posters who have asked legitimate questions and tried to help doesn't really solve the problem.

Hello MM - I do feel you are in a v hard situation, an I know it can't be easy.

I think we have discussed before whether you might be depressed..and this might still be an avenue woth exploring.

I also DO NOT think your DH is a saint! He is doing exactly what he should do while you are out of action, with regards caring for your ds etc, but it does sound as if he is not comfortable around vulnerability and not good at dealing with it.

BUT the reason i have been quite upfront in talking about the things which you could do to control this situation is certainly not to have a go at you, but to give a glimpse of a possible way out of this longstanding, cyclical and worsening pattern.

No, he shouldn't shout at you when you are ill and in pain - but neither should you " ppush him a bit when i'm ill, to see if he'll still be nice to me.". And given that he clearly just is not good at talking thorugh things like illness and pain, it is fruitless and self-defeating to bring it all up again last night after he had apologised. First you say you think he has been readiong this because he is shouting again - then you admit that you brought it all up again after he had apologised...

I wish more than anything that you felt stronger physically, and emotionally - but in all truth I think it is YOU who can make yourself feel better emotionally right at this moment, not your DH.

In the longer term, you MIGHT be able to discuss this together in counselling, but left to your own devices the two of you seem to make it worse each time! that's the sad truth...You need your strength now to recover...so concentrate on that rather than trying to make your DH be supportib=ve in the way you want - you are on a wild gooe chase until you both find a new way to talk to each other....so leave that fo now, and just let him do the practical things - he sems to be coping with that side well enough.

I hope your consultant can give you some re-asurance about the op.

I really do wish you well - and better times than this, MM.

I think there are a few posters on here who have been very rude. I also think dittany that you are lumping those who have suggested practical steps with those who have been very rude and unhelpful.