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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

170 replies

mymittens · 15/09/2008 10:06

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

OP posts:
lulumama · 15/09/2008 19:01

i agree that her DH should be making allowances

BUT before the op she was doubting he would come up to scratch and they are locked into a negative cycle, so it is unreasonable to expect him to suddenly become a whole different person

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 19:07

i had it done as they were so heave, uncomfortable, and gave me pains in back and shoulders. Nearly every time i'm badly ill, he shouts at me. he says i push him away and won't let him look after me which makes him frustrated.

OP posts:
Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 19:08

he says he's sorry and won';t shout again and will alk away like he agreed. how can i believe him when he shouted at me like he did today while i was crying

OP posts:
chelsygirl · 15/09/2008 19:12

op, you're tired, sore and fed up

give it time, it'll probably settle down

put kids to bed and have a cup of tea and a chat with dh

dittany · 15/09/2008 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulumama · 15/09/2008 19:13

if you never give him the cahnce to try again, he will give up

mabanana · 15/09/2008 19:17

The reason why people aren't falling over themselves with sympathy is that this is a retread of upteen threads (well before the op) that went, 'I went on and on and on at my dh, and then he shouted at me. He then apologised, so I told him to go away. He apologised again and I told him how badly he had behaved and told him to go away. He went away so I texted him to say he was being horrible. He said he was sorry. I said, OK, but he was being horrible, and he shouted at me again! So I told him to go away' (ad infinitum)

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 19:19

i don't really know what he means by not letting him look after me. sometime maybe i ppush him a bit when i'm ill, to see if he'll still be nice to me. this week he has been lokking after ds,making food for ds and us, tidying up, doign washing and hooevering etc so in practical terms he has been supportive. But i'm so hurt he could shout like that at me when i'm in this state - it's very hard to get over

OP posts:
mabanana · 15/09/2008 19:20

I think I'd rather be shouted at now and again than constantly criticised for every single thing I did and having arguments picked with me all the time. This bloke is always apologising!

lulumama · 15/09/2008 19:22

you push him, until he snaps, even though he is being really supportive, to test how far you can push him.

and then you get cross he is angry with you?

he has done all he should and it is not enough

i am sure he feels it is futile, as however hard he tries, you will push him that bit further

compo · 15/09/2008 19:22

it really sounds like you need counselling alone or to go to Relate together
Your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all

Carmenere · 15/09/2008 19:25

You sound terribly immature and more than a bit silly. the poor bastard can't do anything to please you. I find the fact that you seem to think that if you cry, you should get what you want immediately.
Perhaps he is trying to get you to pull yourself together. you had surgery, you will be fine, you are in recovery and your dh is doing his best to help you. give him a break.

MarlaSinger · 15/09/2008 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 19:42

I don't expect him to be perfect. but i hoped that he wouldn't shout at me and tell me how fed up of my sadness he was in such a nasty way. i wish i wasn't sad about how the op's turned out too and his nastiness (triggered just because i wouldn't get out of bed) has made things even worse

OP posts:
Carmenere · 15/09/2008 19:47

No you are making things worse, not him. you are the only one who can change this situatiuon, he is already doing everything he can. Of course you should have gotten out of bed this morning, lying around feeling sorry for your self is not doing you any good. He is RIGHT, you are WRONG. Listen to him, he loves you.

mankymummy · 15/09/2008 19:55

mymittens... have you ever shouted at your DC whilst they've been tantrum-ing or crying?

think?

sometimes its hard to stay cool when you are the one doing all the caring for.

if you really want him to leave you alone then say to him calmly... i need one day/two days/whatever just to be on my own. please just dont come up and see me at all.

TBH that might do you both good to do that.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 15/09/2008 19:55

I would have to defend the OP carnmere, you really should not be doing anything atall for at least a couple of weeks, it is a major operation and therefore has a large emotional impact on you as well, I don't know anything of the op's history but she really need to consentrate on recovery or it will take longer.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 15/09/2008 19:55

I would have to defend the OP carnmere, you really should not be doing anything atall for at least a couple of weeks, it is a major operation and therefore has a large emotional impact on you as well, I don't know anything of the op's history but she really need to consentrate on recovery or it will take longer.

georgimama · 15/09/2008 19:56

I don't think I've ever said this before, but I agree with SolidGoldBrass.

Maybe, mittens (I'll say it same as everyone else in hope it will sink in) he is getting angry with you because you keep raking up the same arguments, even after he has apologised.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/09/2008 19:57

Wow I must have been lucky then, as I definitely was washing myself and getting myself dressed the day after the op as well as walking dogs, cooking, and going back to work 2 weeks later.

Carmenere · 15/09/2008 19:59

I thought that the op was told to move around to encourage blood flow to the site of the operation.

kittywise · 15/09/2008 20:04

MM.

I am sorry that you are in physical pain and hope that all turns out well for you.

However, you are extremely self indulgent

You need to stop being a child

Get on with your life and stop complaining.If he annoys you that much then get a divorce

Your Dh sounds like a star to me.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 15/09/2008 20:07

i am wondring now if my memory of length of time is blurred due to the lovely lovely morphine as I do remember them saying that, FGMID you went back to work after 2 wekks I definatly wasn't there, I had dh at home for 2 weeks and then stayed with my mum for 2 weeks, although i think by the end this was just to do with lifting and carrying dd2 who was 18months.

SmugColditz · 15/09/2008 20:33

haven't read thread.

Op, you are responsible for your own feelings. You are not a child, you are not elderly, and your husband is not your parent or paid carer.

He has feelings too. He has wants, and needs, and wishes, and rights too, and you don't seem to have considered that.

He isn't a servant paid to meet your needs, mop up your tears and acquiesce to your demands. He is a human being AND HE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOU.

You are giving him no way of escaping your complaints. You are criticizing him relentlessly, and when he takes your son out to a) get away and b) be able to spend some time meeting his child's needs rather than your wishes, you complain about that too.

If you are depressed, you need to go and see a councilor. You are out of action because of your operation and your emotional state, which means the only person around to meet your son's needs is your husband. Stop trying to pull the attention off your child and onto yourself, and start meeting your own needs.

Bluebutterfly · 15/09/2008 20:37

Not an expert, but having read the thread I think it sounds like MM is very, very insecure and is sure that dh will abandon her sooner or later. So she constantly "tests" him to see how much he will put up with - she is trying to find the limits of his patience and love for her because she is so lacking self esteem that she believes somehow that it is inevitable that he will leave her.

Someone else stated something about the self fulfilling prophecy. It is a no brainer, because even if your dh loves you MM, sooner or later people grow sick of the games (and it is extremely unhealthy for your child to see the main adult example of a relationship conducting itself like this).

Forget about your dh right now. Look after yourself. Self esteem is the most attractive character trait, because it enables us to find security in ourselves, not through trying to control another person. You will never control your dh (and if you could it would still be a very unhealthy partnership). You can only control your own behaviour. Focus on letting yourself heal. Focus on maintaining your composure and controlling your own behaviour (and your hysterical outbursts) and you may just find the seeds of a solution to a happier marriage - it may just bring out the kinder more tolerant side of your dh when you least expect it.