Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

This is excellent advice

I wouldn't throw away a good 30 year relationship over this. He was foolish, but nothing happened and if he is genuinely remorseful, I'd let it go

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. I can't help thinking that if you had been married already, you'd already be protected for this kind of thing if you didn't think you could get past it.

I really think the fact you never married sooner when it sounds as though you wanted to be, and he isn't pleased about it now, is the bigger issue. He's not covered himself in glory here but by your account it sounds as though she's doing the chasing (I suspect your £1m+ house has something to do with it) and he wasn't interested in taking it further, so if everything else was good in the 30+ years you've had, I'd be thinking it was worth trying to get past this. But if he's never wanted to legally commit before and you have, that strikes me as a deeper issue in the relationship quite apart from anyone outside of it.

OP, is there a possibility this young woman was paid to be a honey trap. I've heard about situations like this where honeytraps are used against someone they work with for various reasons such as being wrongly dismissed or wronged in some way by the man they see as the reason. This definitely wouldn't excuse his response although for a man of his age etc it would be difficult to ignore the attention. He may have had no intentions of taking it further but he got a kick out of it. This is only a suggestion. I hope it works out & you eventually manage to all move on.

But this mayn’t be his only ‘misdemeanour’ -which I think a somewhat gentle title for it?!

So sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I've experienced infidelity unfortunately so can relate to what you are going through feeling like you don't know your partner and questioning the last 30 years. They're really normal responses. It's a big shock and regardless of whether anything physical has happened It's a huge breach of trust. When people get caught they typically say they don't know why they did it when actually they do - it's exciting and feels good and they think they'll get away with it. Unfortunately that's the bottom line. It's also really common for them to blame the faithful partner/the relationship in some way though it sounds like he's not done that yet. You will definitely be in shock at the moment and need time to process. There are no right or wrong things to do at this point other than processing, taking care of yourself and insisting on absolute accountability and transparency from your partner. As you process and depending on his actions you will start to work out what you want but that can take months or years for some people.

Im curious why a woman in her 30s would be hitting on a man in his 60s? Does she report to him?

Yes @OneHazelBird I have done most of the cooking and cleaning (sadly I love both) but he was the Dad at sports days, taking forgotten PE kits, lunches, homework in, doing the lifts, food shopping, getting practical things sorted at home as I was working long hours. I really have no gripe with the division of labour, my only reason for this post was perspective.
I know I titled it 30 years wasted, having never actually started a thread before, although I respond to many, I didn’t realise how hard a title could be, particularly when you really really want to engage with people and get help. It hasn’t been 30 years wasted, we’ve built a life and a family, I apologise for mis-selling.

£1m+ house plus pension he'll soon be drawing and not actually married, no dependent young kids... I can make a guess.

Doesn't matter, though. The issue is him and their relationship.

Please think carefully before making any decisions. You have most definitely not wasted 30 years - you have children and grandchildren that you both obviously cherish. He was foolish and she flattered his ego. Life is not always greener on the other side. Perhaps you have lost some confidence having given up work? I hope you can work things out - just take time and good luck.

I think you are boiling at the moment as you have a right to be. You definitely need time to cool off before making any big decisions.

What. Did you just blame the whole thing on op havjng stopped working.

If you have more money than your spouse you shouldn’t be marrying. Especially if there are cheating rumours surrounding this man.

There are other ways to save inheritance tax if you’re not married, namely by distributing your wealth/assets to your kids or grandkids now rather than leaving it to your death for relatives to sort out. A financial adviser at your bank can tell you more.

I tend to think marriage counselling would work. Don’t rush into ending a 30-year marriage. I would also speak to someone close in real life like your kids.

I would definitely be finding out why this 30-year-old woman was chasing your man.

no normal 30-year-old is interested in granddad at all, unless the woman is getting something out of it, I.e promotion, money, free meals, jewellery, lingerie, nights in hotels etc.

@Skybluecoat where couples who are married or in a Civil Partnership there's no IHT on assets transferring on death or potentially on lifetime gifts.

There are also advantages on second death such that potentially up to a million, where part of the estate is real property can be passed outside of IHT.

I think you need counselling for yourself. Your reluctance to tell the children, your fear of blowing up their lives, giving up your senior job during your best earning years to look after grandchildren - it all sounds like self abandoning. I know a forum post is obviously not the full picture and please don't be hurt by my saying this armchair psychology.
Go to a professional, for you. This happened to you, centre yourself in your plans.

And I also don't like the sound of him not wanting to get married, but buying the rings so he got the appearance of being married. What was that all about from him?

This is all so hurtful, I'm so sorry it happened (although maybe it's revealing something that would have come out at some stage).

Totally agree. I wouldnt throw away 30 years of family life for a stupid dalliance with a woman who flattered & chased him for money. In fact I wouldn't give her the pleasure of knowing she contributed to destroying my family. She no doubt has a history of sending photos to wealthy men who respond in the same way and have no intentions of taking it further. Having said that I'd be making it very clear if it ever happened again he could pack his bags.

This threads would normally be overwhelmingly LTB. Op is not married, in secure financial position, grown children, does everything for her partner, the ow is younger than the man’s dc.

Im guessing, because op suggested it herself from the start- a lot of people are suddenly looking for reasons why she should turn a blind eye.

He has met her. More than once. He's said he 'can't wait' for the next meeting.

I despair of the reading comprehension on here.

As a 30y/o woman, I was about to ask why on earth any self-respecting 30y/o would be interested in a 60+ y/o married man with kids for... but only had to scroll down a bit to find the answer...

I will truly never understand the delusion of men in this situation. They are literally fully deluding themselves that a younger woman likes them for their ... personality? ... Come on now. Insane level of delusion. Just lying to themselves that these women want them. 🙄

I know how you’re feeling, OP. I’ve gone through betrayal, in my case it was much worse than flirting.

I trusted my gut instinct, I knew something was ‘off’, I’m glad I trusted it. I wasn’t going mad after all.

I won’t go into my whole sorry story, but, despite everything I’d always said, that I’d LTB if ever betrayed, I decided to give him another chance. We had been together 14 years when the betrayal was discovered! 16 years later and we’re still together, now married. It can work.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time. You will be full of different emotions and it will feel like you’re riding a wave. The trust has been broken, can it be repaired. I certainly hope that all forms of communication have now ceased with this woman and she is no longer a contact on your DP’s phone. All of the work to repair this (if this what you want) needs to come from your DP.

Good luck with whatever you decide @backyourself 💐

Nah, we all have those feelings sure, but most of us manage not to have (super creepy) exchanges with somebody the same ages as our children.

Lol. Whether the partner thinks it was 'real' or not is neither here nor there, given he isn't the one deciding whether or not the relationship continues.
I suppose if OP decides to bin him he could self soothe by pretending he's lost nothing, because she didnt love him enough to overlook him being a creep with a young woman.
But deep down he'll know he's being ridiculous and will have thrown his life away because of his own stupidity. And he'll have lost her just the same. A good bit sooner too if he tries that self indulgent DARVO on her.

Well spotted @user1471435657 I think there is an element of self abandonment (or people pleasing as I like to call it) here that you have done well to pick up on. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed everything I’ve done for my family, from working hard to helping with childcare, none of it has been a sacrifice, I know it’s not for everyone but it worked for me, vive la difference.
Don’t know what the buying rings was about, I took it at face value, that he loved me, wanted us to be married but we just hadn’t got round to it. I think most weddings are driven by women, I just didn’t need that, I’d seen enough divorces to know marriage does not guarantee a future, we’ve been together longer than lots of our married friends and relatives, I never pushed it, so it never happened I suppose.
His attitude to getting married now has been hard to describe, I put it down to him being embarassed that we aren’t already married, but perhaps I’m kidding myself after this discovery?
Ah, the big question, did she know about me and our long term relationship? She said no (she would say that) he says he told her (he would say that) but she did know about one of our daughters, he had discussed her, so I’ll never know the truth there really and as we’re not married he doesn’t wear a ring, fortuitous if you are on the hunt I suppose.
I fully understand that we all reach a certain age and get flattered, I still get offers, but I would never give someone my number, respond to an unsolicited selfie pic or be duplicitous - I always thought I had too much to lose.
I’ve just remembered this, it will bring a with smile to so many women, in mitigation he said “if there was anything in it, why didn’t I delete it, why’s it still in my phone?”

Yes I agree with most of this - the OP needs to do a pragmatic calculation about how she wants to spend the rest of her life and what is best for her, rather than everyone else.

@backyourself I would take time and maybe find a counsellor or similar, someone with whom you can share all the details of your relationship and who will help you work out next steps Will you be happy to live out your life with the trust issue or happier splitting up and building the next phase of your own life?

I would not call the OW a gold digger or him a silly old fool - these are tired old excuses for infidelity. He chose to be in a committed relationship, he chose to connect with another woman (I'm assuming she didn't mug him in the lobby for his phone number?). Is this the first time something like this has happened or just the first you have discovered? The idea that 30 somethings would never want sex with 60 somethings is for the birds - a lot of the midlife and older infidelities I've known were with younger women earning as much and sometimes more than the older man.

If I look at women I know in their 50s/60s/70s who faced infidelity in spouses, after the initial terrible shock they built happy new lives. It is possible.

This summer, I had a massive awakening. I am also wondering if I want to spend the next 20 years with my husband. But the immediate crisis is passing and my advice would be this - get therapy for yourself, get couples therapy together and decide what you need from him to rebuild trust. You have choices and there is no rush to decide. Any decision you make today can be reversed or rethought in a year or three. I agree with you - this is huge! You have kids and a whole life together so take your time - be kind to yourself and figure out what your boundaries are. Go to counselling and watch his actions. Hugs. I’m in the trenches with you and it’s bloody awful 😞 . Oh, also, get legal advice about your wills etc. information is power!!!