Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

I understand you feel betrayed, What has actually happened between them?

When you say “for inheritance purposes” what exactly do you mean?

Morning op. It sounds like you’ve had a feeling for a long time thay you’ve just learnt to tolerate. Does he have any idea how odd and unhealthy it is for a married (or otherwise) man that much older to be showing interest in a much younger woman? What are his excuses? Has he got to the bit where he says you caused this?

I’m sorry op, if you have been feeling something for years then he’s probably not just done it once.
You don’t feel devastated because you’re seeing him in a different light now you know who he really is.

Presumably because when inheriting from a spouse there is no inheritance tax to pay.

I know of couples who have married later in life for the same reason.

Assets pass free of IHT to spouses. If you're not married or civil partners, anything over £325,000 is taxed at 40%. You need to pay that within six months of death.

I would sell up now and split the money
Live your best life on your own xx

When I found out I’d known for months and months and like you when I finally had proof my heart sank a bit but it was a bit validating to know I could at least trust myself even though I couldn’t trust him. Ultimately in the end we split but we hadn’t been together as long as you, did have children though. It’ll be a very hard decision for you to make whatever you decide and you will start to go over every conversation you’ve had, every action he took that you thought was a bit off. It’s a horrible thing to go through. I’m sorry you find yourself here.

@backyourself I felt relief, so I wouldn't think your reaction is necessarily shock. There's no point having regrets though, that won't serve you. Make a plan for your future and move forwards.

We own a house worth over £1m and pensions etc, I just thought it would be easier to be married in the event of one of us dying.
He and she (I rang her to get her take on it before I confronted him) deny that anything sexual has happened - which I do believe, but given time it possibly would have. She was trying to instigate going out for lunch and dinner, which I can see from the messages he is avoiding. It’s obviously given his mind a treat, he’s not stupid, he would know there’s no future in a relationship with a woman younger than our own children. I just keep thinking why? Why risk everything? I thought we were happy, he tells me he loves me regularly, how lovely I look almost daily, we go on holidays, we have a good family life, we’re grandparents, he tells me he loves our life together - it’s like I don’t even know him.

What a creepy sleaze. At least you know now, before getting married.

How absolutely awful for you. I don't think you have any alternative but to divorce him however. My heart goes out to you.

Oh sorry you aren't married yet?

You’re lucky you found out now, time to move on.
A work mate of mine recently had the same thing, DH in his 60’s had his head turned by a younger employee. She couldn’t work out why as they had an agreed sexless marriage, lots of plans for retirement and moving to a village in Yorkshire. He came crawling back saying he didn’t know why he’d done it, but she ended it.

Slow down. I had a husband that cheated constantly, he is gone and rightly so. I am always the first one to say LTB but i think you need to really look at the situation, think about what you want ( because that is the most important thing) then talk to him. The text look they were being pushed by her, he may have got caught up in the excitment but would he really have had an affair with her ? Don't rush into ending this relationship today, take a week or so to make sure you are doing what is best for you.

Inappropriate text resonse to an inappropriate text from a silly juvenile workmate is not something I would give up 30 years of marriage for.

Can you not both examine your relationship with the view of making your own lives more exciting?
Travel more and see new things.
Take adventures.
Communicate more sincerely and compliment each other.
Work on your physical relationship - more hugs, massages and affectionate touches.

Use the foolish behaviour as a wake up call.
Remind DH that he, as an old guy, looks desperate to his work place if he continues interacting with young flirts.

If his intention is to cheat. If he is cheater. Leave him.

I’m thinking of our children and grandchildren, they adore him and he them. Do I want or need to shatter their lives? Realistically I know it wouldn’t be to blame, but I know I’d feel responsible for their hurt, like I should have carried on. I’ve already looked at houses I can afford, I would need to go back to work, I don’t want to take my private pension yet, my state pension (I’m entitled to the full one as 35 years contributions) doesn’t start until I’m 67, I’m 60 now, so I’d like to think I’d work until I’m 65, that’s if I could even get a job. I think I’m in a good position financially though, I wouldn’t be homeless or penniless, which makes my decision more based on emotion than practicalities.

There’s worse crimes he could have committed!

He was clearly flattered and who could blame him in a way!

However he was foolish too but that doesn’t mean you should throw everything away

Not sure what this younger woman wanted with a man in his 60s! Could he have helped her career maybe?

He can still have a relationship with your kids and grandkids if you split up. They don't need to know the details of why.

This.

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this position. You need time and space to process it all. I think you are probably in shock at the moment. One step at a time and don’t rush into any decisions.

It’s interesting and this is why I’ve posted because I can’t decide if it’s foolish to end over 30 years for this, but I’ve never checked before, so this might not be the first time. Then there’s a part of me that thinks I deserved his loyalty and respect, I wouldn’t want to commit by marriage to someone for the next 20 years who hasn’t shown me that. I haven’t told anyone in real life yet as once I do, I think it will really be over. I just needed to hear your voices really and some of you are as torn as I am.

He’s messed up big time. His ego was flattered and he has been very weak. However, I would not throw away an otherwise pretty solid relationship for one blip, and I say that as someone who generally thinks we would all be better off without men. You have every right to feel hurt and angry and he needs to really step up now and do all he can to show you how much he does value you and your life together.

He doesn’t really go out alone, probably 6 times a year after work, once a year he may be away for one or two nights, odd football matches, sports events with friends - we don’t lead separate lives, we are very much a couple, he usually wants to do everything with me, city breaks, holidays, theatre, concerts, meals, family functions, you know, just normal family life.
As for not telling the children what had happened, they wouldn’t believe it if I said anything else. A running joke with them is ‘If anything happened to you Mum, Dad would have to die too, he can’t function without you’. I do and organise everything, he just goes to work. I used to do that too, a very senior job, that I left 5 years ago, to help with the grandchildren.

Yes im not sure this is a sackable offence either, he’s not had an affair, he was flattered and flirted with a younger woman. Sure he shouldn’t have but I don’t think I’d divorce over it, more tell him to pack it in,