Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

I agree. I’m in my 60s and it’s ludicrous the thought of someone in their 30s being interested in anyone my age. I’d immediately think they would be more interested in my bank account than my less than perky derrière.

A toy boy for me would be someone in their 50s, lol.

Actually, it takes two to decide whether or not the relationship continues.

And if I were him I would be pretty horrified at how serious OP is being about throwing away 30 years together.

For context, I am saying this as someone who has been in OP's position except that things went further, but still not far enough to tear down everything we had (and from what OP says, her relationship has been mostly positive).

So you're his mummy and he's looking for some excitement with younger women? Sounds like a super solid relationship.

I agree you don't have to blow up the relationship if you don't want to, you wouldn't 'have to' leave if he was physically cheating with a different person every month. Equally, you don't have to stay if you don't want to. I don't think I could be in a relationship where I was constantly second guessing what my partner was up to.

And if I were him I would be pretty horrified at how serious OP is being about throwing away 30 years together.

He could have married her during those 30 years...

Op its with all due respect for your feelings just now, I'd be the same, but I know this wouldn't end my marriage or destroy my family. Are you sure deep down something within you actually wants your freedom back & this is a perfect excuse. Again its only a suggestion but worth considering. You've had a lot of replies with the same feelings as me regarding ending the relationship for this reason alone hence my thoughts here.

You're in serious danger of cutting your nose off to spite your face. He's not actually done anything with this woman and he doesn't even seem to have been very enthusiastic. I don't think there are many men who wouldn't have been flattered and been a bit silly. I'm not defending that as I'd also find it hard to accept if I was in a relationship, but we have to be realistic.

So the choice is to accept that he's been a bit of an idiot and continue to have an easy life, or leave him, go back to work, upset your family and spend your old age alone. I'd recommend the first option and I can guarantee you'll regret it if you go with the second. If you'd been unhappy it would be different, but you are happy.

Also, Mumsnet advice on this sort of thing is very skewed and you need to consider that when making a decision. These women are not your friends and they're not thinking about what your life will be life if you leave.

Of course it takes two. However given there isn't the slightest indication this foolish man doesn't want the relationship to continue, your imaginings about his feelings are moot in this case. The ball is firmly in the OPs court.

The crucial question is what you want. You've never pressed for marriage so in a sense neither of you ever committed fully to the other. Maybe he wasnt the only one not excited about marrying now. If it's all about tax why havent you just gone off to a registry office with or without your children and grandchildren? Were you planning a big party - if that is embarrassing it could be a renewal of vows.

Your husband is a silly old fool - he wont be the first or last to be flattered by attention from a younger woman. He hasnt done anything much about it, has said not to meals out, so he wasnt looking to throw away what he has.

If you were actually looking for an excuse not to proceed with the marriage you have it. Breaking up your life over this would be silly unless you really wanted the excuse.

Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m sure it feels like your world has been turned upside down and the person you’ve spent 30 years loving and trusting isn’t the man you thought he was.

I’m reluctant to give advice, particularly as you seem to be doing amazingly well under the circumstances - decisive and level-headed. However, I would suggest you don’t have to make any decisions now. You will still be in a level of shock, your nervous system will be all over the place and it’s ok for you to concentrate on ensuring that you are well and nothing else. You can choose to stay or go, but you should do so once you’ve had time to process everything that has happened.

I’m thinking of you op, I hope this thread is giving you strength and support to help you through this.

He has met her - he works with her. "Cant wait for the next catch up" - they have met.

Are we all reading the same posts?

He could have married her during those 30 years...

And she could have married him, but in her own words, "maybe there has always been something else to do, getting kids through uni, into good jobs, helping them to buy houses, grandchildren".

@backyourself You've had loads of replies, OP, so you may not see this. For context, and if it matters, I'm male. My message is to please fight hard against the feeling the you've "wasted" thirty years. I could think the same in my marriage for various reasons, but I work very hard to prevent that kind of pointless regret. I usually succeed. Whilst you should take an honest, hard look at your situation, please don't give in to the abyss of regret. I'm sure those years weren't actually wasted.

Maybe so, maybe not. I don't think it would be unreasonable for him, once he's had time to get over the immediate issue of how foolish he's been, to stop and wonder what it means that his partner of 30 years was so quick to consider throwing it all away.

You can't divorce if you are not married?

No need to apologise OP.

Its just baffling to most of us how he’s such an old fashioned man with values - but hasn’t married the mother of his children.

At any point in this relationship he could have left or died and you and the DCs would have suffered financially.

It’s hard to believe this is a truly equal relationship when he holds all of the power and after 30 years still hasn’t married you because that would give you more rights.

I fully appreciate your perspective @IdayatatimeI really am not looking to start again at 60 though, I’m sure it’s good for some, but I loved my partner, wanted the future we’d planned together and have been committed to him.
I know nothing sexual has happened and perhaps he was nervous of me finding out, I’d bloody hope he was, but I still come back to the fact he met her in the lift lobby, gave her his number (I didn’t ask if she asked for it, that was probably a salient point, but no she didn’t mug him for it) went up to her floor for coffee and wanted to ‘catch up’ again. She’s 29, he’s 64, it’s very icky and yes I’ve lost respect for him massively. I’d never have thought he’d engage with someone so young, it is really creepy. So in short, it’s not just what’s happened, which to some may seem insignificant (not to me) it’s the how it’s happened, with whom and his responses, I just don’t know him and that is what really scares me and what I ultimately think I will struggle to get past.

She couldn't marry him if he wouldn't agree to it. This doesn't sound like a woman who's actively choosing to stay unmarried. She says herself she's a "people pleaser" (a really awful thing to be, actually) and she saw significance in the ring buying. OP can correct me if I'm wrong but I very much get the impression that she would have preferred to be married but he was the one who never wanted to.

But let's say you're right... in 30 years and all it entailed, neither of them ever wanted to make a legal commitment. Why is that? I think it's a bigger issue than a few text messages that never went anywhere.

That's very true. OP's spider senses have been tingling for a while. What I'm saying is that after an entire life spent together, with children and grandchildren and a home and thirty years of history tying them together, some women (thought probably not me) would make the choice to turn a blind eye to their old man's infidelities, especially if he has been a good partner in all other ways. That's a real option. Some women choose it. OP can choose to do this if she thinks it would work for her.

However, if I were to make that choice, I'd ensure my financial security was watertight. Do OP and her DP need to get married? Wouldn't civil partnership do the trick?

In 30 years they could have found an hour to go to a registry office.

How does getting kids through uni take up time - they’re literally self sufficient 90% of the time.

Into good jobs - once they’ve got the job, then it’s done?

Helping them buy houses takes a few weeks max, not 30 years.

Grandchildren - unless you have full custody then these take up very little time.

These are all BS excuses.

There hasn't been any infidelity.

I never understand other women replying to you and being nasty. Sorry you are going through this.

If my husband had done this I'd be incredibly hurt and wouldn't trust him again. I'd have a serious conversation with him and remind him this woman is just after the attention. Take time before making the decision. If you think it's worth staying together do but if you can't see past it, then don't. Only you know. If you do split and want to tell your family why, then do. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you need advice on assets go to a solicitor.

He called her beautiful, that’s enough.

OP I’m so sorry, being betrayed like this shakes your entire world and being.

I stayed with my unfaithful husband. We have small children and I couldn’t face breaking the family apart. I still love him too, although not quite in the same way.

There is a price to pay - for staying or leaving. I think it might be a heavier price staying, but I haven’t tried leaving so I only have this view. A few things from my experience

1. He is a different person to me now. I see him differently, I have much less respect for him. This plays out in many ways
2. I am still fearful and suspicious. Not all the time. But I used to be very trusting and now I’m not.
3. It’s affected my sense of self and my self worth more than I anticipated.

I would say though that whatever you do, feel no shame. A lot of women will say you’re a fool to stay. I don’t think you would be. It takes a huge amount of courage either way.

I wish he hadn’t put you in this position in the first place. Foolish man.

@backyourselfI am really sorry for what you are going through and can imagine how you must be feeling.

Completely understandable that you feel stuck, what a position to be in! However, it isnt you thats risked the future or 'thrown away' 30 years, he has.

When you look to the next 30 years, if you stay, do you see yourself being able to trust him? There is absolutely no point in staying if you will spend the rest of your life watching him, being suspicious and not able to trust.

You have mentioned what a split would do to the children and how they would feel, but please do also think about yourself and what you would want for yourself.

Edited to add - he says he is sorry now but is that because he got caught? He hadnt told you about her, about meeting up with her or anything about his new friend. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

I'm just quoting what OP wrote as her own understanding of how she herself let the years slip by.

I have several sets of friends who've been together for 30 years unmarried.