Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

Why haven't you married before OP?
Was he reluctant?

If so, that really would cement my ick.
It so goes against everything you have written about him.

Such a gentlemen, but refusing to marry the mother of his children for decades?

You are financially secure so no, I really would be rethinking marriage.

I can certainly understand that you must have the feeling of did you ever know him?

Why aren't you married before this is a part of that?
Was he keeping his options open as is the case on MN for so many posters, who have children with men, who then refuse to marry them.

There is something extremely grubby and dishonourable about such men IMO.

I would take some time to just think about what you want. Don't make any decisions yet.

Is your husband senior to this woman at work? Is he her line manager? I ask because, she could decide to make a complaint of sexual harassment, against him.

My feeling is that your husband has been flattered by the attention of a younger woman. You need to find out a few more details. She initiated contact by messaging him but he must have given her his number. So did she ask for his number or did he give her his number? What reason for exchanging numbers were given. I ask, because I can honestly say at 30 years old, there's no way I'd have been sexually interested in a man in his 60's. I can't imagine too many women would be, unless he looked like an Adonis! The saying 'there's nothing like a fool, like an old fool', springs to mind.

Why is this woman interested in your husband? To further her career or looking for money/gifts? I just can't see any other reason, unless she felt pushed into contact by your husband? Before anyone jumps on me, for blaming the woman, yes there are women out there who are solely interested in older men for money/status/career, no matter how distasteful it may appear to be. Equally there are older men out there, who chase younger women, because they're vain old men, who want an ego boost.

I definitely wouldn't be marrying your partner (not at the moment). You do need to see a financial advisor and possibly a solicitor, to make sure your share of any assets are as secure as they can be.

My thoughts exactly.

Writing such a generalisation to the effect couples at 60 live separate lives is completely wrong. What have you based that observation on?.

op. - importantly what has he done of his own accord here since discovery ?. Has he booked counselling for his own self?. Are they going to have to continue to work together?. You finding employment could well
be very difficult.

I hear you @ThePerfectStormBird I would certainly not be rushing in to another relationship, even though I thought in the main this one had been good, I wouldn’t want to start again, I’ve got everything to lose and not a lot to gain really.
I agree about my children’s inheritance. I was trying to protect that by us marrying.
As for @Bountyhunter888 that just made me laugh, he is doing a very good job of the ‘poor me’ narrative right now, your concern for him is touching but after over 30 years and children and a house together, I think it’s a little bit late to be getting cold feet! Trust me, if you had read those messages, you’d know he was more than okay.

I can understand how upset you are. However, from everything you have posted this sounds like a young ambitious girl flirting with a much older more senior boss and him being flattered, enjoying the attention and not dealing with it correctly. Whilst "nothing has happened", it has made him realise how much he wants you but it has broken your trust in him. I would urge you both to go to marriage guidance. It sounds like you have a very good relationship, which shouldn't flounder because of some trivial flirtation by a very stupid/ambitious girl and an overly flattered older man, who now deeply regrets not stopping it.

It may be an aberration. We are all attracted to someone else at times but usually we do nothing about it. Talk it through, no need to make any rash decisions.

@backyourself He put massaging his ego above your relationship, your trust and his family. He is a silly, sleazy old man. It sounds like she was trying to get a leg up professionally by flirting with the boss. He's incredibly stupid and unprofessional. He could be jeopardising his job as well as his family.

@backyourself, he's proved the saying, "theres no fool like an old fool"

I’m not saying you should forgive him, but before you make any decisions you should consider it.

His reaction and subsequent actions will tell you everything, is he willing to put in the work to put it right? What is he doing to fix things?

Do you actually want to end the relationship or is it a knee jerk reaction to what he has done?

There will never ever be an excuse of what he has done, but you do have two choices, end or don’t end the relationship. Take time to work out what YOU want, irrespective of anyone else’s opinions

Initially they both need counselling, but not together. The onus is on him now to understand how and why he had blurred boundaries and what he needs or is prepared to do to fix that part of him. Relationship counselling only comes later, if she gives him the good grace to continue in what will essentially become a new relationship.

I can't tell you what to do OP, but I absolutely love that you know your worth and wont settle for anything less.

Its truly refreshing to see.

Something did happen. He engaged with it. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are dead from the waist down. Im sure people I'm long relationships find people attractive. He engaged with it and encouraged it. He didn't shut it down. I had someone in my husbands friendship group try to flirt with me. I shut it down immediately. I told my husband and I didn't socialise with that man again. He was thanking her for he'd photos 🤢 instead of saying hes in a relationship and old enough to be her father.

Another one saying not a sackable offence, and I am one of those who always shouts LTB.

Has he been a bit stupid? Yes.

You say she was pushing, and he was reluctant. This is potentially forgivable providing you both had a very honest conversation about what his thought process was, what he needs to work on, and how you move forward.

You are outliers being in your 60s, in a long term relationship with children and not being married. You mentioning him opening doors, but opening doors costs nothing, marriage is a commitment. Has he never proposed? How did you feel about not being married?

So the woman is stupid and the man is just flattered?
Its the man who is in a long term relationship here. The woman hasn't lied to anyone or two timed a long term partner.
Its the man who has been stupid.

Get that right @Marieb19

Agreed. He sounds like he has been a bit of an idiot and also enjoyed the attention, but he hasn't instigated anything. That's not to say it's all fine but it is potentially recoverable.

Thank you @Gettingbysomehow that has made a lot of sense, as have so many of you. I’m going to go back over all of your lovely helpful responses and make notes then hatch a plan.
For those asking, she works in his building, not for his company, so no risk to livelihood - all this initial connection happened in the lift lobby, which makes it feel even worse , I think I’d understand more if you worked together, got to know one another and something developed from there.
Totally agree she’s a gold digger and he’s a silly old fool on a good day, sleaze bag on a bad one, definitely not the Adonis someone mentioned up thread!
I was so glad I spoke to her, I felt like that had put me back in control - and for the haters, I’m not a controlling demanding woman, I’m just trying to get all the facts I can before I potentially blow up my children and grandchildren’s lives, who I love deeply and would never want them to know this about him.

You're massively over reacting. Nothing has probably even happened. Many many people would take an ego boost if available/offered. Gosh some people really lack insight into basic human psychology. Maybe he has acted stupidly but seriously it is not that bad and perfectly normal human reaction. I bet most women on here if flattered by a younger attractive man would respond.

It’s to protect pensions from IHT. Currently they are exempt but that changes in April.

I’m getting married in December for precisely the same reason. Had the law not changed l doubt we’d have bothered.

The registry office said they were flooded with middle aged and older people who’d been together for decades doing the same. Apparently the £62 deal has never been more popular!

I would want to do a full check on his phone, it sounds like you have some doubts that this isn’t the first time?

Texting ‘I can’t wait for our next catch up’ sounds like evidence to me.

Double check your state pension entitlement as the 35 years is only people who started paying NI in 2016. I am in my 60 ‘s and have had to pay 39 years.
Use Government Gateway to properly check and scroll down the page as it starts with the max in big letters and then in much smaller text says where you are now

Sorry your DP is an idiot

Goodness, did you tell him you’d rung his colleague and had this conversation? What on earth did he say to that, I wonder.

Sorry but I very much doubt this is his first time. In real life I know a guy who was devoted to his partner, very much a couple, but never married, always found a reason not to. Eventually turned out he’d been long term cheating, with a string of women. He’d wanted to reduce their legal, financial ties to make things easier for him if she ever found out and left him. He was devastated when she did find out. Tried to persuade her to give him another chance. She did but a few months later found out he was still cheating.

Sorry OP but he has his working week to cheat ( day use hotels/ private offices) as well as the times you outline when he goes out to sports events or with friends - these act as cover as well as occasional weekends away. Affairs don’t need to be that time demanding.

You know he enjoys cheating, and is prepared to lie. You also know he was prepared to not marry you, which means he is serious about continuing to cheat or even thinking of leaving you for an affair partner. This is not someone I would stay with.