Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

'Tame' is not the same as 'OK'.

'Other men are worse' is a terrible basis for a relationship.

But you are pushing him into a corner he doesnt want to get married and he has a right to how he feels, maybe start listening to him , you are making this all about you and missing that maybe hes not ok, have you thought about that and im sure you dont care right now but maybe he isnt ok he could be depressed worried about illness aging or dying

I don't think I'd end a 30 year, very good relationship over this, but I don't think I'd feel the same about him. It's just such an embarrassing cliche.

Having to pay a huge tax because he hasnt been unfaithful seems perhaps a little like there may be another problem.... Are one or both of you nervous about marriage? Would a civil partnership work better?

I wouldnt think you would be on high alert, one girl who is attracted to him doesnt mean you have lot of competition. You trust him he didnt have an affair, and I feel like 30 years together seems to show you work as a couple. Also it is a lot for the children and grandchildren. It sounds like he wouldnt have had many opportunities to stray even if he decided to and didnt know what do with someone admiring him?. I really suspect if he was a player hed have been far more smooth with her and you, and much less able to be a reasonable partner for 30 years..

Things can go between a married couple without inheritance tax.

Marry him and start planning a new patio…
😉

(This is a joke!)

Good point about my emotional needs being met, but in all honesty, I don’t think you get it all, I’m not overly gushy or needy myself, so it’s worked in conjunction with everything else.
I don’t feel hard done by in terms of him just going to work and me doing everything else, in fact I loved my life. After years of working long hours in a very stressful job with no time for sickness and little time for holidays, I felt like I was living my best life - so much time to finally do the things I love and he was happy to see me like that. He worked outside of the home, I felt my role was now to just keep things ticking over at home.
I mentioned the car door opening to give you a feel of his caring side maybe? We weren’t dismissive of each other like lots of older long term relationships can be, we actually enjoyed looking after each other.
Perhaps I am over reacting but as I’ve said, I can’t shake the feeling that I just don’t know that part of him, there’s no drip feed, it is what I’ve said it is. Surely I’m still entitled to be angry and question our future over that?
I think therapy may be a good start but I have to get past the respect I’ve lost for him.
We are sleeping in separate bedrooms since the discovery. I am taking my time and I am trying to think it all through, I just wanted to hear other perspectives.

There's no easy answer is there OP?
Can you stand back from this for a while and reflect on how you feel about him on a daily basis? When you think about the future with him do you feel irritated? contented? worried?

Is there anyone you could talk to in real life?

Edited to add cross posted - you've answered much of this.

I think marriage is a red herring - you’ve already committed a life to this man, sounds like you’ve done well at it and been successful. You could get married then divorce him and take half in a couple of years if you really wanted revenge!

Why are you determined to blame the disgusting behaviour of a sleazy old man on the op.
If he didn't want to marry or stay with the op he should have said so and left not start an affair with a work colleague half his age.

Have I read it right that you rang her? You called his colleague and asked her if she was having an affair with your husband??

Op is worth more than him.

This.

Op couples councilling might be a good shout.
I certainly wouldn't throw away your relationship without trying.

Throwing away the life you have built together is probably harder than you'd think. Family and friends taking sides, etc etc.

What did the woman want out of this? Is she luring a sad old man in for a dodgy business deal and hes flattered but embarrassed?
If it was me, Id want to know why he didn't tell you and how he plans to never do this again. Id be unlikely explode our lives over it initially, it all depends how he dealt with in. And weeping and making you tell him what to do isn't an acceptable way forward.

Agree with this and when you return have a meeting with a financial adviser and put your affairs in order so that you have definite split assets and you are financially secure. This will show you mean business and you can say if you get a sniff of anything similar in the future you will be on your heels!

Instead of getting married - you can go along and get a civil partnership. The CP gives you the legal components of a marriage without the actual marriage

I am doubtful you will separate, so suggest purely for the legal aspect of the IHT

plus then he doesn't have to be excited about a marriage and you neither as you st go along to the office and sign all the papers etc and go through the legal process.

Its not a judgement on whether you separate, its just the way you are writing your feelings down

I would be devastated too OP. Like you were, I'm with someone I trust and think I know. If this happened to us I would be devastated. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. W don't have children, and I could manage financially if we split, but it would be the loss of the future that I would miss most.

30 years together seems to show you work as a couple.

oh boy I can think of so many long but sad marriages where the disrespect leaks out like bin juice.

I suspect the clue is in the sexless marriage

I think he was flattered by the younger colleague. A bit of mild flirting. She also initiated it. From what you have written it doesn't sound like much more than that. I wouldn't throw away a 30 year marriage on that only. It sounds like you have a good life together. Are you trying to find reasons to leave him. You don't need to do this. If you want to end things then you can but based on the text messages seems like an over reaction on your part.

I’ve been there , I’ve been married 30 years- this doesn’t sound like an affair - it is more of a bloke who no doubt is not feeling that fanciable anymore and a massive ego boost - men in my opinion are quite sad buggers when it comes to this kind of thing - even the good ones !! and some women think it’s a bit of fun too or on the case of my friend sent husband stuff , let him respond and then started blackmailing him!’ I think the worst bit is you feel you don’t know someone - who has most to lose here if you don’t get married? If it’s equal I wouldnt get married, if it’s you I would be making sure you got married and reassessing in 2 years- in the meantime maybe put a bit more fun into life , do a few things for just yourself and see how you feel -the horrible bit is you feel you don’t know someone, you do - but what you didn’t know was he was capable of needing an ego boost and vulnerable to it - it doesn’t take away from your 30 years

Oh, and works in his building? As in works for the same company? He needs to go straight to HR on Monday. And if he doesn't that would be a reason to leave him for me. Or works for someone else in the same building and is eyeing up a wealthy old man?

"Do I want or need to shatter their lives? Realistically I know it wouldn’t be to blame, but I know I’d feel responsible for their hurt, like I should have carried on." Only you can decide what you do but please do it for you not anyone else. They will all cope and still have a good relationship with him. You could live another 30 plus years - can you carry this all that time, knowing he has been lying to you and might have risked all you hold dear? Can you trust him again? You have a right to be happy. If you stay please do so with your eyes open. Personally I couldn't but understand why you might. Whatever you decide doesn't necessarily have to include marriage but PLEASE make sure you are on deeds where you need to be and that all finances are locked down to protect you. That includes insurances, pensions, house, everything.

Men are twats especially older ones. They get in a state about getting old.
They do stupid things.
I wouldnt break up a 30 year relationship over something that never happened.
You are expecting them to feel and think like a woman does and they don't.
A bit of flattery like this would have given him the validation his flagging ego needs.
Have a think about it.
Do what is best for you and dont rush into anything. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Id find it hard to get another job at my age quite honestly. Im 64.