Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

This situation looks salvageable. Don’t rush into the wedding, but you both need to put some serious effort into your relationship to see if it can be healed. If you reach the point where he is making you feel loved, cared for and supported, you will be able to get married without a doubt.

They aren't married yet, they were planning to now.for inheritance purposes.
It's all in the OP's first post and is part of her dilemma.

It depends whether you think you can trust him OP, if you continue with him, would you always be worrying he'll do it again, if he considers he's got away with it?

You've been together a long time, so it's tempting to just want to carry on, but people change; don't let him think he can treat you like this and not account for his actions, what would he gave done if you hadn't found out? Make him explain why he did it, and how HE is going to repair your relationship that HE jeopardised. It's his burden to carry, not yours. Make it clear what you will not tolerate.

I would slow down and have a think. Have you had any wish to split before now? If the answer is no I don’t think I’d split over this. I’d identify it as a crisis in the marriage that he has to work hard to repair. It all depends on how good your relationship has been over the last while.

Given the length of your relationship maybe some couples therapy would be beneficial before making the decision whether to split or not.

No, I wouldn't leave him over this. He has been an idiot and needs to make it up to you, and it sounds like you would benefit from a good shake up and honest talk about your relationship pre marriage. But I wouldn't say Ltb over this.

Thank you all, I can’t believe I haven’t been lambasted over the telephone snooping.
He has been so very sorry, is asking me how he can make it better, begging me not to end everything. I just can not shake the feeling of I don’t know this man, it’s the fact that there’s another side to him that I don’t know after all these years that scares me. If I’d have seen the messages without knowing who they were from, I would never have believed it was him.
I actually took photographs of 3 of them on my phone, she’s calling him ‘sweety’ spelt like that, him responding to her tight white tee shirt mirror selfie shot with ‘Beautiful! Thank you!’ Yuck. He did try to tell me it was a business meeting - I said oh, that’s highly professional, you being sweety and her being beautiful, how very modern!

I think you might be overreacting slightly

Did the young woman say why she was trying to instigate lunch/dinner with a man a work twice her age? Or why she sending an older work colleague selfies?
Sounds a bit unlikely ,unless there was more to it.
Why do you believe there was nothing sexual to it?
Does he have an explanation for why he is responding to/communicating with this young colleague in such an inappropriate way?
He's betrayed your trust and that will be difficult to resolve.

I would be keeping my own counsel for a few days. Give him the fright of his life, a taste of life without you perhaps ? A few days away alone or with a close friend. ?
Then come back, sit him down and tell him how disappointed you are with his thoughtlessness and disrespect for you. Then explain , if ANYTHING like this happens again, you will be gone.

Well from what you said, he isn’t keen to get married anyway so definitely put that on hold.

I would be thinking this wasn’t the first time, just the first time he’s been caught.

I know I wouldn’t be able to get over this, I would want to branch out on my own. However, it’s your life and you have a big decision to make.

Counselling might help?

You dont end a relationship after 30 years because of this, you need to find out what happened, i very much doubt she wants an affair with him if hes 30 years older! Are you sure this women exists and hes not being scammed

I agree
Also I would wonder is this the first.
Or the first you have uncovered.

The crux is, you can’t imagine being able to do that because your insides would be on fire at the thought of this going on between you and a bloke just out of his 20’s. So you're being forced to see your husbands character, the parts he tried hard to hide, not to protect you (this wouldn't even be a thing if he felt that) but to protect his life, his reputation, his comfort.

You can totally destroy the rest of your life over this or not. It's up to you. I absolutely wouldn't. He's been a bit of a twat reacting to a flirt but it's really nothing as big as it feels right now. You don't have to forgive him, but you've surely got a million good things that trump this stupidity. You're potentially throwing away your next thirty years happiness and it's not going to resolve anything.

He works with her so no its not a scam and yes she exists.
As for not something worth throwing a 30 year relationship away for, your aiming your comments at the wrong person the op isn't the one who threw the relationship away that was her partner of 30 years who started an affair with someone who wasn't even born when he met the op and is younger than his own children.
@backyourself please speak to people in real life about this so you can get the support that you need and deserve

Yoy are being unrealistic, do you think he hasnt looked at another woman or looked at porn or fantasised about other women, this woman is taking him for a fool whats she after as i doubt its sex,

That’s one of my worries now, would I spend the next 20 years always on high alert? Never trusting, when inherently I am a very trusting person, try to see the best in everyone and try to always choose kindness. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons our relationship has lasted so long, we speak so nicely to one another, he is very old fashioned, opens my car door, always pays, spoils me at Christmases and birthdays, Valentines always wants me to be happy with where we’re going, what we’re doing, goes food shopping, likes to go clothes shopping, if he comes home and I haven’t cooked dinner (having been in all day) he’ll just say okay I’ll get a take away, what would you like? I’m now thinking if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
On an emotional level, he doesn’t really discuss feelings though, tells me he loves me all the time but he doesn’t like the deep conversations. Excellent father and grandfather, will do anything for them all, very proud of them.
You see, it’s like a split personality - con artists exist because they are confidence tricksters, they get your confidence so you’re almost blinded by their loveliness. If he was an arsehole, he’d have been gone long ago - as you can tell from me calling her, I have little fear and I’m very proactive.

My problem would be that I wouldn't respect him any more & I would just see a cliqued old fool now.

Unless there’s drip feeding to come, I think you’re significantly overreacting. Some young woman is trying to curry favour with him and he should have known better and shut it down but instead he has responded overly politely yet stood firm about not taking it further.

My DP did much worse but compared with 30+ years of life together it was still small fish.

He hasn’t had an affair and he was trying to put the girl off.

Tell him what you’re telling us. You’re horribly shocked and hurt.

He works with her. OP has spoken to her on the phone. Of course she exists. I would imagine she knows he’s wealthy so if she’s a gold digger, there’s every reason for her to want an affair with him.

So there's been a flirtation but you can see when she suggests meeting he is avoiding it. It sounds a bit like he's got himself into something but doesn't want to pursue it. You also say he isn't communicative about his feelings etc. I would propose couples counselling and see how you feel in 6/12 months, it doesn't have to be split immediately now or never. If he isn't willing to do that you have your answer anyway

It is a sh*t situation but i read it as grandpa trying to prove to himself he still got it, some version of a midlife-pre-retirement crisis. Now, why a 30 yrs old would be attracted to him that's a question....

Will it be 30 years of happiness though? Knowing what she now knows, wondering if this is how his mind has always worked, that he has been presenting a facade of devotion but blatantly flirting (at the very least) behind her back.

I think the happinesss has already been spoiled but not by OP.

There may be a future here, but it definitely won't be a continuation of the previous "happiness". That's gone now.