Thirty years wasted

[backyourself]

So, had thought DP was acting oddly, nothing I could put my finger on. We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes. I couldn’t shake the feeling, kept asking him, he said he was either tired, busy with work etc etc.
i go down to the kitchen on Friday morning and there’s his phone - so I checked it. He’d been messaging a woman over 30 years younger than him who works in his building. She’d initiated the contact, but he must have given her his number. She sent him a mirror selfie to which he replies ‘Beautiful, thank you!’ - they’ve met a couple of times in her office, with him responding ‘can’t wait for the next catch up’. I’ve told him it’s over between us but he says he’ll do anything to make it better, he doesn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know how to respond to her! I just feel so disrespected and disgusted, I can’t believe he’s done it. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, he’s in his 60’s FFS. The weirdest thing is, I feel validated, like I’ve trusted my gut and was right. It’s like the niggling doubts that I’ve had over the years but never taken further, I was probably right every time. I think I should feel devastated but I just don’t, is this shock?

Why is there always this assumption that all men look at porn? They really don't.

No one would be delighted to find those messages.

But in the scale of what he could have sent in response, beautiful is pretty tame.

It sounds like she was looking for the attention and he's been blinded by the flattery.

My take would be that he's a bit rubbish at having an affair and didn't really know what to do so that doesn't suggest this is habitual behaviour.

If you do decide to leave him you'll soon find out how forward other men can be - and just how grim in message content.

I agree with others saying don't be hasty in your decision. Take some time to process it before doing anything it's hard to go back on, whichever side that is.

You don't understand your own feelings fully yet and there's no rush. Just because others would do things in a dramatic fashion to make a point doesn't mean you need to - and taking your time is not the same as doing nothing.

If he doesn’t ‘do feelings’ where are you getting your emotional needs met? Or are you?

I’m a widow. I was married for 35 years. I would absolutely end my marriage over this. But then my DH and I always said, no lies. If you want out or you want someone else you end it. It was a fundamental boundary in our marriage. I could never look at home the same way again. Everything that you believed is potentially a lie now and always will be.

I do and organise everything, he just goes to work

It's not just the infidelity, is it? That is of course a big problem - the lack of respect, the loss of trust. But perhaps you're not feeling what you thought you'd feel about it because the underlying relationship is already shaky. You're carrying more than your share, he's slacking, and that is also a lack of respect for you. Is having car doors opened for you worth it?

I don’t think I’m being unrealistic, I’m fully aware of how a lot of men behave - I’ve seen it with friends and family. I accept he’s going to find other women attractive, it’s just him acting on it that’s the issue here and yes, is it the first time or just the first time he’s been caught?
I think it’s also the reluctance to marry me, he talks a good game, oh we should have got married years ago, oh I don’t know why we aren’t married, I only ever think of us growing old together.
He’s always said he’s more bothered about getting divorced rather than getting married, which I’ve thought was a bizarre thing to say - unless maybe you know you’re up to no good and if your wife finds out she will divorce you? It becomes a legal process, rather than what we have now is us splitting things ourselves? If anything I’m worth more than him, so he’s not afraid of losing out financially.
My head is just questioning everything, my heart feels like it’s gone AWOL, not broken, just not there.

What exactly has he done wrong? He has been avoiding her advances. It is likely she is trying to get career advancement by pursuing him.
Acting ‘off’ could be discomfort, not knowing what to do about it, and fearing your reaction if he told you.

I don't know... I respect the posters that say that they wouldn't end it over this, but I just don't think I'd feel the same any more. I don't think I could respect or fancy a man who was enjoying the attentions of a woman younger than his own children. It's not attractive and it's not admirable, and I want to admire and be attracted to the person I share my life with.
It's not the same I know, but I did stay with a full on cheater, and what killed it in the end was just that- I just didn't like him very much as a person because he'd lied and showed himself to be disloyal to me.

We never truly know our partners, he truly doesn't know you 100%. I bet if he was asked 6 months ago what he thought about a 60 year old man flirting with a 30 year old he would have said he was a stupid old fool, and that he himself would never do that, he will be as shocked by his behaviour as you are. Old men love flattery. I bet he feels like an old fool now. Let him fight for you. You can never forget but you can find a way through it. Don't be hasty.

Just because others would do things in a dramatic fashion to make a point doesn't mean you need to

right so making a choice about what you will or won’t tolerate is dramatic and just making a point. When is a woman choosing to end a relationship not just drama?

What are their relative positions? Is she his much younger boss? A peer? Junior?

I don’t think I would pack in a 30 year old relationship over something like this if I really loved him. But only you know if it’s something you can forgive him for. You sound like you have maybe thought about leaving him previously and that you might be checking out on the back of what he’s done? If you don’t want to leave, then a serious talk needs to be had on boundaries and the consequences if he continues that behaviour.

Is it also unhealthy for a 30something woman to be interested in a man 30 years older?

Have you ever had a flirtation at work? A cheeky comment or a shared moment? I know I have and it’s totally meaningless and I expect my DH has too. So I do think you’re over reacting a bit as nothing serious happened, he seemed to be putting her off and, with that age gap, she was clearly looking to gain something from him.

But then to me, if all else was well, we had shared grandchildren and children and 30 years of memories, I’d think it was worth fighting for. But it’s all about where you go next. What are your expectations going forward? What do you want your relationship to look like? I’d set that out and see how things go. This doesn’t have to be decided immediately; six months or a year may give you a different perspective.

For those saying ‘it’s just the first time you’ve found out’, that’s total speculation. I wouldn’t blow up my life for something that could be completely false.

I don't think I could respect or fancy a man who was enjoying the attentions of a woman younger than his own children.

I completely agree with this, but where is the evidence he was enjoying these attentions? You would think if he were enjoying the attentions he would have taken up those lunch/dinner invitations rather than actively dodging them.

Assuming you have the photo of her and if she has an open instagram and facebook then id set up a fake account and post the photo with the message stop sending these to my husband, that will shut her down, money on it she doesnt want your husband shes up to something, has she asked him for money is she trying to blackmail him, no woman wants to snog or have sex with a man 30 years older when shes in her 30's

Something similar happened me 15 years ago. I stayed. I tried to forgive.

Things were never the same. I became hyper vigilant, checking phones,receipts, bank statements - waiting for the next discovery, its utterly horrible. Our relationship never repaired. I was labeled as being controlling and not trusting him. Ive come across the term Betrayal Trauma and feel thats what I lived with. He became more secretive and a better liar. I feel if I left back then I would have had some dignity and this sounds so stupid but I could hold my head up high and say he did that so I left, my friends and family would have understood. Now the narrative is im controlling/im suspicious - im the problem. I also dont think I would have been as emotionally damaged as I am now had i left back then .

If you stay he needs counselling to find out what he was looking for, what problem does he have that he needed that attention. You will need counselling to come to terms with the betrayal.

I'm thinking this doesn't need to be the end of you don't want it. I can only imagine this lady is a gold digger and somehow has found out that you have considerable assets and wasn't married. Take your time. Have a few days away and think what you want to do. Counselling may be a good idea. He needs to understand the hurt he has caused but I think you can get beyond this. Good luck op

I think life is long, people contain multitudes and that the vast majority of people are capable of doing things even they thought they never would, let alone other people thought they would. I know of many relationships which 'work' and where there is real care and people operate as a team but where external flirtations have happened, where the core relationship ebbs and flows. I probably know one couple who have what you decribe as your up until now relationship OP and even in their case, there's nothing to say that in the right circumstances, someones head wouldn't be turned. Some would say that's an overly bleak view - I would say it's realistic but that it doesn't mean that all people are awful and you shouldn't trust them. It just means that people can and do build good lives together but it doesn't always perfect behaviour every week, month and year

We never truly know our partners, he truly doesn't know you 100%.

you suspect op is letting 30 year old blokes think they have a chance while making her partner think she worships him? What you’ve just done is use a thought terminating cliche. It’s not an invite to understand, it’s a call to ignore. I’m certain op has tried all the thought terminating cliches on themselves long before they posted here.

If he’s in his 60s he’s probably seeing his nurse-in-old-age disappearing, no normal woman of 30 would want a man heading towards his twilight years.
I would leave.

All men do look at porn then most grow up and stop,

I don't think it's obvious that you need to get out . He sounds genuinely sorry and he has held back from a full blown affair despite a certain amount of encouragement from the young woman. Some relationship counselling sessions might help you both understand what has been going on and whether you have a chance of being happy together.

There’s no fool like an old fool is there?
I would do what suits you which could be you don’t split up and you do get married (if it makes financial sense for you).
You must think of yourself first and him second.
I’m amazed I’m saying this but I think your relationship is salvageable but he cuts all contact and you have access to his phone etc. Some people will think this is no way to live your life but you have a 30 year history, children and grandchildren….. it’s easy for others to say you should split up.

We’d booked to get married which he didn’t seem in the least excited about, which after 30 years together, we needed to do for inheritance purposes

and

He’s always said he’s more bothered about getting divorced rather than getting married

Would set alarm bells clanging for me. You are right to be v suspicious of this.