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Original poster

Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

645 replies

HypotheticalDeath · 17/09/2026 18:17

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

OP posts:
ThreadGuardDog · 19/09/2026 20:22

Aiming4Optimistic · 19/09/2026 17:42

i don't think that people who move on quickly, have given themselves enough time to grieve - they cant have processed that loss and be in a healthy enough state to move forward only a year down the
line.

My dad died a year ago - I still cry every day in the car on the way to work because I hear his voice telling me I'm going too fast around corners! I'm not in the market for a new dad - people and those relationships are irreplaceable.

I think that anyone who says they were ready, is just fooling themselves and seeking to fill the gap left by the loss. Or they weren't in a great marriage to start with.

I genuinely don't think the OP did a terrible thing in saying privately, to her husband, that 18 months is too soon in her opinion. Shes entitled to her pov. The terrible thing was in mil weaponising her comment and telling the relative. No good can come of that.

With the greatest respect. Losing your dad is absolutely not the same as losing a life partner. So much judgement on this thread from posters who have never experienced the loss of a spouse and can’t possibly understand the trauma of the loss and the rollercoaster of emotions involved in making the decision to move on.

TheGodlyGirl · 19/09/2026 20:23

If my DH said that to me, I’d be ‘Bye’. You sound like a selfish petty infant. I’m sorry to be harsh. But honestly, how unkind and childish can you be. Words are powerful and yours have stunted you OH’s sense of freedom and opportunity.

Aiming4Optimistic · 19/09/2026 20:39

ThreadGuardDog · 19/09/2026 20:22

With the greatest respect. Losing your dad is absolutely not the same as losing a life partner. So much judgement on this thread from posters who have never experienced the loss of a spouse and can’t possibly understand the trauma of the loss and the rollercoaster of emotions involved in making the decision to move on.

Edited
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I loved my dad as much as I love my spouse - it's a different love obviously, but not a lesser one. Maybe it's different for you, but 'with the greatest respect' you cannot make that judgement for everyone else.

Throwaway65131 · 19/09/2026 20:42

I’m a bit confused on why you wouldn’t want someone that you love to be happy and to find someone to make them happy when you are no longer here? Obviously you don’t like the idea of them being with someone when you are here but the hypothetical situation in question is if you weren’t here - so then why wouldn’t you want him to be happy?

Sausagesforever · 19/09/2026 20:45

I’m terminally ill, maybe less than 12 months left so for us this is not a hypothetical situation. I so want my DH to find someone else. He has a long life ahead of him, he deserves to be happy especially after what he’s done for me these past few years. My friends know to support whoever he ends up with & my DD deserves to see her Dad happy and not worry about him being on his own as that puts a tremendous burden on her.

Aiming4Optimistic · 19/09/2026 20:47

I'm not against remarrying in all situations, although I stand by not wanting my dh to remarry (largely because I don't think it serves my children's best interests). I certainly think that it's inherently disrespectful to do it within a year and the person remarrying should take a longer period of time to fully process their grief. I genuinely don't believe it's possible to have truly dealt with loss to the extent of entering a new relationship on the healthiest footing,

BigWig78 · 19/09/2026 20:53

Passementerie · 17/09/2026 18:28

This. It’s like kids fighting about which Paw Patrol pup would make a better RL guide dog or something.

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Hahaha best comment of the thread!!

johnd2 · 19/09/2026 20:58

OP @HypotheticalDeath sorry if this has been suggested already but your thought patterns seem very rigid, perhaps overthinking and factual, rather than people centred and flexible, also especially combined the thing about not wanting to be around lots of people makes me wonder if you are autistic. A lot of people, especially women who grew up before the turn of the century and beyond, were just literally not spotted and diagnosed.
I'm not saying you should, but finding out that I am, even in my 40s was a really light bulb moment why I kept getting into the same situations and struggling with things that seem obvious to others. Sorry if this comes across wrongly but I wish someone had told me earlier and I am glad I know now!

thisisyoursign · 19/09/2026 21:08

It’s a mean thing to say. Although it’s not nice think about, your DH would deserve to find some happiness after a very difficult period hypothetically losing you!

HollyhocksandPeons · 19/09/2026 21:18

You are right. Naaah, I want the whole of the estate to go to dc, not only my half. I totally agree.

Kricset5555 · 19/09/2026 21:24

LaughingCat · 19/09/2026 02:17

We’ve been together 15 years, I’m not an extrovert and I’m 43. I adore my husband and came close to losing him earlier this year to a stroke. The possibility left me bereft and as he was whisked away to hospital in an ambulance, I was terrified I’d never see him again. The thought of my life without him in it was bleak and truly awful.

But…at some point life grows around grief, it’s how it works. You will still always miss that person and wish they were there but at some point, you do and should start living again. And yes, that also hopefully means meeting another person at some point. Not just anyone would do but, statistically speaking, there are an absolute ton of people just as awesome as you for your current partner to keet and be happy with. And if it had been the other way round and I’d died, I would 100% want my husband to meet them and live his life as fully as possible. We’re made for human connection and tenderness and intimacy - I wouldn’t want him to miss out on that (and if he dies, at some point I would be strong enough to risk it again for those things too).

I’ll refer you to Tim Minchin’s superb song: If I Didn’t Have You. He’s 100% correct on what he says.

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I love that Tim Minchin song, it says it all about relationships in such a funny way!

foursquares · 19/09/2026 21:42

ThreadGuardDog · 19/09/2026 20:12

Who are you to judge how quickly someone can move into another relationship ? Have you been bereaved ? If not, why do you think you’re qualified to comment ?

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I'm allowed to comment because someone has posted on a public forum inviting comment. My view may differ from yours, but this isn't north Korea...

foursquares · 19/09/2026 21:43

ThreadGuardDog · 19/09/2026 20:12

Who are you to judge how quickly someone can move into another relationship ? Have you been bereaved ? If not, why do you think you’re qualified to comment ?

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It's clearly much too soon, especially after a bereavement. Personally, agree with many posters that is almost morally corrupt..

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/09/2026 21:49

HypotheticalDeath · 17/09/2026 18:17

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Errr.

really? You wouldn’t want your husband to meet someone else? To be happy and move on?

I don’t get it….you won’t be there

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/09/2026 21:51

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/09/2026 18:26

Horses for courses isn't it. You never know how you'll react or what you'll do in a certain situation until you're in it - you might have an idea but it probably won't hold.

DH and I have discussed who else in the village we would like to shag should the other one die. 😁

See. This is what I’d be doing!

id be like go for her! She’s solid. She’s got a good job. Kids would like her

lols.

wendywoopywoo222 · 19/09/2026 21:57

My partner is a widower and his wife was poorly for quite some time before she died. She told him towards the end that she wanted him to be happy and hoped he would find someone else to love and someone who would love her children. I think this has bought him a lot of peace in moving on so perhaps your hubby was thinking of something like that.

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/09/2026 21:58

HypotheticalDeath · 17/09/2026 20:49

No to think of him with someone else/happy with someone else. I won’t lie I’m very self aware and honest and I know that’s not fair to him and I acknowledge and accept that and that I’ve said the wrong thing when I should have said nothing but it was just the truth.

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But he won’t be with someone when you’re around. Which wI hod be hurtful

hed be happy after you died. So different situation

raisinglittlepeople12 · 19/09/2026 22:01

I told my husband that he’s not allowed to ever move on if I go first, and he said the same. For lots of people there’s only one person for them and they stay single after losing them, but a lot aren’t like that. I think it’s mad how fast many men move on. I agree that the relative has moved on quickly, I’d be saying the same tbh.

ChangefortheBetter88 · 19/09/2026 22:41

HypotheticalDeath · 17/09/2026 20:31

I would yes, but I think that’s probably an unusual stance. I’m not really one for physical contact I struggle a bit so I think I’d like a solitary life with my pets ! I’d miss dh a lot but I wouldn’t feel the need to try to meet anyone.

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Have you been tested? You’re displaying some quite obvious signs.

Catdaddy1978 · 19/09/2026 22:51

HypotheticalDeath · 17/09/2026 18:17

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Turn it round on him and let him know which of his friends you’d be shacking up with if he died before. I can guarantee he’d not be happy. He needs to respect your feelings: nobody knows the future.

OtterlyAstounding · 19/09/2026 22:56

It's so interesting to see that the overwhelming sentiment on this thread is that if you're not in a romantic relationship, its impossible to be happy.

As a pp said, no wonder women put up with pathetic or abusive partners if that’s what they're thinking.

Firefly1987 · 19/09/2026 22:57

@OtterlyAstounding I know! I didn't think there was anything wrong with what OP said but I like being single. I forgot there are people that can't possibly be single for 5 mins and they're probably offended but meh I thought his talking about moving on already whilst she's still alive is worse!

MrsSlocombesCat · 19/09/2026 22:59

You are really selfish and your DH should leave you. How horrible of you.

SharonBe · 19/09/2026 23:02

almondflatwhite · 19/09/2026 19:16

I'm amazed at the number of comments about OP being judgemental and selfish when she simply expressed how she felt. Do you all not think you're being judgemental..?

Well, OP will be dead and either in some afterlife where these kind of petty, Earthly emotions and jealousies will be gone OR OP will be just plain gone so none of it will be a concern.

It is pretty selfish to dictate what will happen once you are gone.

"I'm just being honest" does not give you the right to be cruel. OP should have just kept quiet.

OtterlyAstounding · 19/09/2026 23:11

Firefly1987 · 19/09/2026 22:57

@OtterlyAstounding I know! I didn't think there was anything wrong with what OP said but I like being single. I forgot there are people that can't possibly be single for 5 mins and they're probably offended but meh I thought his talking about moving on already whilst she's still alive is worse!

Edited

Agreed! I mean, it could be considered a bit insensitive of her, but I thought his reaction was so much worse – and yes, him talking about his plans to move on and acquire a new wife while she's still right here is even more insensitive. Although it's all a bit of a mountain out of an (interesting) molehill.

It's really fascinating to see the number of people who insist he's doomed to unhappiness without a partner though. Loads of people are happy and single (my mum for over 20 years)! This thread is very weird.