Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

My grandmother was widowed in her early 50s and she later found a new partner who was himself a widower. They would meet up most days, go on holiday etc but each kept their own home and never married. Both of them had children from their marriages and it guaranteed their own children inherited everything from their own parents. Her partner died over a decade before my grandmother and his children came to her funeral and wake.

My mother in law died in August last year and now my father in law and a woman who lives a few houses away have started going round to see each other twice a week. At the moment just cups of tea and talking but who knows where it will lead.

This. What I think a lot of posters who haven’t experienced losing a life partner don’t understand is that you don’t just lose the person, you lose your whole life. I remember the bereavement counsellor at the hospital where my DH1 died telling me how this would be a whole new life, and that I should navigate it the best way I can for my own peace of mind, and not that of others.

For me the experience was devastating - I wasn’t prepared to be shut out of my circle of female friends because I was now alone and thought of as some sort of threat - the social invitations stopped coming, the visits tailed off and my own suggestions of outings etc were met with more and more refusals as time went on. Then went I met the man who eventually became DH2 people I thought of as good friends were shockingly judgmental and I lost a couple of long time couples friends as a result.

I have no idea where the idea comes from that you have some sort of duty to your late partner to forego your own well being for some arbitrary set time to avoid giving offence to others. Humans are social beings. Bereavement and grief are a lonely business for the most part. Why anyone would want a bereaved person to remain lonely and grieving just to satisfy some social moral code is beyond me, as is the ridiculous notion that you are ‘replacing’ your late partner. Nothing and no-one can replace the thirty years I spend with DH1. I will carry him with me through the rest of my life - he’s part of who I am. But that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to be happy again. At my own pace. And without judgement from those who really should mind their own business.

Interestingly my own family and that of my late DH were not among those who judged. They were genuinely happy and supportive of the new relationship. DH1’s family attended our wedding and are still in mine and DH2s lives nine years later.

But you still have your spouse to cuddle and confide in and have sex with. Yet you selfishly want to deny that to a bereaved person.

And this is the point. The cruellest part of losing your life partner is that it’s the worst time in your life and they are not there to support you. I lost my dad not long after DH1 and I were married and I couldn’t have got through it. without his support. Earlier this year I lost my mum to vascular dementia, and I had the support of DH2 throughout - both in caring for her, and to help me mourn the loss. On both occasions it was traumatic, but it couldn’t compare to the loneliness of the loss of my DH. Life got considerably colder and harder for a long time afterwards. I didn’t go looking for another relationship but I count myself very lucky I found it.

They’re not all wicked !!

But why deprive dc of 50% of total inheritance? Why? Especially if they were 'old enough'? What is the point?

I can’t understand why people think it’s better after 6 months or two years. Who are we to judge. My dad was widowed at 21. Had celebrated his 65th wedding anniversary this year with four children, 5 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. Should he have been denied that happiness as his first wife passed. Life is better when its filled with love in whichever form that comes in

I think pp was just expressing that, from her own experience with grief, she doubted a person could have processed their grief within a year, and be truly ready for a new relationship. She wasn't saying people shouldn't, or trying to 'deny' anyone that.

(Although if my husband died, by definition I wouldn't have him to cuddle, confide in, or have sex with, so I'm not sure I really get your point.)

I don't think it's selfish to expect people to wait a decent interval before moving on. The person who died is still important, they still have surviving parents or children, whose feelings should be considered too. The bereaved spouse is not the only person who matters and their grief isn't greater than everyone else's imo. If I lost an adult child, I'd be gutted to see their spouse replace them within a year - I would view it as massively disrespectful to my child's memory. If that makes me selfish, so be it!

When a person jumps into a relationship before properly processing their grief, I don't think they make the best decisions - they would be better to take their time.

Hmm. It depends on how both parties are set up financially and how their wills are set up.

Moreover, there might be very little to inherit once care bills have been paid.

Hard agree. He’s made a private discussion about a theoretical event into a family drama. 100% unnecessary.

Gosh. I think this would have been old fashioned in the 19th century.

Pretty extreme reaction but I guess some people are like that, the only extreme reaction we actually got was from my Ex he was furious that I had found someone else.

I was prepared for some hostility but there was none, his family and his wife's family all accepted me wholeheartedly, his eldest daughter was particularly welcoming. I didn't expect him to marry me but after 3 yrs we did, I didn't just gain a husband I gained all his extended family too, they are all lovely.

In general if men decide to find another partner they do it fairly quickly, a friend of ours lost his wife we didn't think he would start dating but after 9 months he did, lovely lady too. Takes all kinds, most men dont have the emotional attachment that women do

Surely he would need to grieve first though? Moving to fast may cause issues?

My DC have certainly not been deprived of their inheritance by my remarriage, nor has DH2’s DD been deprived of hers (DH2 was divorced years earlier). Our wills are both very clear and he and I had a very clear understanding about that. We have a joint account for our living expenses and the rest of our finances are separate.

What @ThreadGuardDogsays echoes my own experience. There was no disrespect to my DH1 in my remarriage and he and his memory remain precious to me. I think about him and I talk about him, as I would any other part of my life before DH2 and I met, and his memory is very precious to me. We were very happy together, as I have been with DH2, and I count myself a very lucky woman to have had such good fortune to have been loved by two wonderful men.

You don't sound like a very nice person. Maybe have some therapy to try and work out why you wouldn't want your partner to be happy. If I knew you in person I would be ripping into you. You need to have a long hard look at yourself.

What a wild take.

My husband's kids probably benefited financially.

Their mother's first post-marriage partner died and left everything to her. I believe that she's already passed a fair amount to them. Her second partner had the legal right to remain in her house if she predeceased him, but her will was set up so that everything went to her children. (His small estate went to his children.) She and her third partner kept everything separate and their respective children inherited from them.

So far as my husband and I are concerned, the kids got their inheritance from their father and the grandchild got the money that my husband asked me to pass on. [ETA They previously got the money that I set aside for their weddings. I was never their stepmother - they were adults and away from home when their parents split.]

The kids made it quite clear that, had I not been here, their dad would have been in a care home, so they'd have had very little left after paying care fees and other costs.

We haven’t deprived anyone of their inheritance. We were both widowed with grown children and we’ve updated everything so that our respective children will inherit as we intended before we met. Always assuming that we don’t need a funding pot for later life care, that is.

Precisely the point - if you need care in later life, and he does not, he will blitz through his children's potential inheritance in no time to pay for your care, and vice versa - so theoretically your care fees could eat up what would have been your children's and his children's money, had you not shacked up officially. Russian roulette, if you ask me.

All our children were adults except my youngest, who was 16 when we married. He and DH2 have always had a good relationship though (he’s 40 now and DH2 is simply grandpa to his children).

What on earth are you talking about ? A spouse isn’t compelled to pay for their partners’ care. Any savings are in our respective names, and a home that a spouse still lives in when their partner enters care, isn’t counted in any financial assessment. I still have my old marital home, rented out for an income from which both sets of children benefit, so my conscience is clear. Inheritance isn’t automatic these days and nor should it be. I’ve seen enough horror stories on MN from greedy children who seemingly can’t wait for their parents to pop their clogs so they can get their hands on assets they’ve worked all their lives for.

And here there was silly me thinking that in addition to being 'compelled' spouses would do a decent thing and chip in. Idiotic me.

Why on earth would you think that ? Local authorities will only use 50% of any joint savings and it’s perfectly reasonable not to expect a spouse to have to sell their home to pay for care for their partner. Sorry, I don’t understand your reasoning. Whether either of us needs care in later life would still be the case whether or not we had remarried and the situation for us is exactly the same for any other married couple.

Speaking as someone who has been widowed and has remarried, I really don’t hold with the notion that you are ‘replacing’ the person who has died. I also think that if you’ve had a long and happy marriage, you’re more likely to want that again, and that can only be a compliment to the partner you lost.