Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

He'd probably get over it quite quickly.

You both sound like a couple of twits. You'll be dead, neither happy nor unhappy, and he should realize he wouldn't need your blessing to continue to live his life.

Should your husband die first, how long do you intend to wait before you remarry? Perhaps you should have had a specific time for remarriage should one of you die, written into your marriage vows.

Your MIL might be a twit, too. When he apparently went crying to her, she should have told him 'don't be ridiculous. Life goes on no matter which of you dies first, and if you find love again, consider youself fortunate'.

BTW your husband was an arsehole for blabbing this to his family and unnecessarily upsetting them too. You're 40. What would you do if he died tomorrow as it sound's like your husband wouldn't mind?

I'm of the same opinion. I've told my husband I'd haunt him 😆 if he died I wouldn't be interested in finding someone else either though.

Two years ago I also would have thought that 18 months was fast to move on and been a little judgemental. But then a friend’s wife passed away after a three and a half year cancer battle, leaving two young children. She’d initially been given six months, but had decided that she was going to fight with everything she had to reach a point that her youngest would be able to remember her and by god she did it. I watched her husband mourn her for three and a half years while she was still alive, and when he met someone else just under a year after she died I was so, so happy for him. He deserves to be happy and loved, his children deserve to be happy and loved.
I’ve told DH that if I go I hope he meets someone who will love him and our children and make him feel the way he’s made me feel during our marriage. He deserves it, and he deserves to be happy.

I’m with you, it sounds soon to me and I wouldn’t want my DH to remarry if I died. I think your husband and his family are being unreasonable. Disagree with a lot of responses here. Your are allowed to have your own feelings on it! You obviously wouldn’t have told the relative yourself! xx

Good point, well made. We all arrogantly think life just carries on and we don't have to contemplate just ceasing to exist one day. It shouldn't mean we get forgotten, but other people still have their lives to lead. If my life stopped why should my partner's life stop too?

Sorry for your loss.

I’m sure you should have kept it to yourself op, BUT I think your DH has behaved appallingly- running to his mummy to cry, spreading your comment to the man who’s moved on- this seems like shit stirring and frankly in a marriage is infantile. He should never have repeated your comment that the man moved on too quickly, no good could possibly have come of it beyond spreading hurt and resentment through the family. He also needn’t have spread bad feeling between you and mil bs out what amounts to a hypothetical. Ridiculous.

Good God, she is entitled to her own feelings and opinion. I think the issue us the speed with which (mostly men in my experience) move on and start dating after the loss of a partner. Hiw someone in rude health feels about thiss is likely to differ from someone who knows they have limited time. Which inlaws would be so insensitive to pass on a comment in full knowledge it would cause issues.

Oh dear, how extraordinarily trivial your partner and his relatives are, ridiculous and not worth dwelling on.

That is pretty selfish - you'll be dead. Why would you wish your husband to be alone if you go first?

Also, how quickly people move on or not is no indication of how much the dead partner was loved or, in fact, any of your business. And if it's none of your business you shouldn't be commenting on it.

You might not think you said anything unreasonable, I disagree, you sound pretty heartless.

I have told my DH he doesn’t have my permission to be happy without me if I die. And made sure everyone else knows it too 🤣
luckily he says he wouldn’t want anyone else anyway. I’m with you on this one OP

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Jpg1Mn5ma/

I dunno, I reckon I'm with Pam on this one....

I'm amazed at the number of comments about OP being judgemental and selfish when she simply expressed how she felt. Do you all not think you're being judgemental..?

Have you considered that it could be a compliment to you if your husband wanted to get married again? It would show that he values so greatly the experience of living in a love relationship with you that he prefers that way of living to being single. Would you not want him to be happy? It's a pity he could not calmly explore such ideas with you rather than just get angry - there is a lesson there.

Why would you even have this conversation, surly you would want everybody to be happy? what I dont understand is why MIL is involved and the comment was repeated by your husband about the the it was quite soon... now everyone is upset and the comments cant be undone.

I think he is right. It was an awful thing to have said and if you do go first, it will haunt him forever.

You cant even put the words back in, it is said now. Damage done.

I just dont get why you wouldnt want someone who you presumably love to find happiness again.

I don’t think you like your husband very much if you don’t want him to be happy if you die before him! Might be best to divorce him now.

Also you need to apologise to the relative. What a horrible thing to do to them! Why would you begrudge them having a little bit of happiness after what they’ve been through? Maybe you hate them too!

So sorry to hear that, I hope you are doing OK

The relative is the one I'm concerned about. Who the hell get into a relationship so soon..

You must be very needy and immature to even have a conversation about this! I am inclined to think your husband should not wait until this may or may not happen but act on it now!

Where you went wrong was judging how someone else grieves and then it all snowballed from there. Grief is hard enough without strangers and loved ones deciding you are somehow doing it wrong! Grieve to long or to publicly and people judge you. Find comfort in new love, people judge you. Exhausting.

You likely judged because you assumed "moving on" somehow ment this relative didn't "really" love their deceased spouse (it doesn't - the human heart has great capacity). That triggered your own insecurity about being properly mourned and loved. You wanted your partner to say "I would love and mourn you forever, losing you would devastated me" because you wanted to be reassured that your spouse loves and values you. Unfortunately, what your husband heard was "I don't love you enough to want you to be happy beyond my own possession" and now he is feeling insecure. And rather than be vulnerable with each other you have both gone and involved other people to reinforce your perception of the event and included some poor widow/er (can't recall which) in this immature silliness.

Apologize sincerely to the relative fir judging them. Be vulnerable enough with your husband to talk about where your jealousy of a hypothetical new spouse after you are dead is coming from. Hopefully you two can pull your heads out long enough to reassure each other that you love each other and concern yourselves with the life you are living now.

Who are you to judge how quickly someone can move into another relationship ? Have you been bereaved ? If not, why do you think you’re qualified to comment ?

It is understandable he'd be sad, hearing this. It's about the difference between possessiveness, and love.

This. Well said.