Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Wishing for a step-mother for her children?

When my husband was dying last year the one thing he said is that he wanted me to move forward with my life as and I quote " you will have a life when I'm gone" A year later I have met a wonderful widower who gets it and is crazy about me. We have taken it slow, waited 4 months to introduce children, do things together etc. Just because your spouse doesn't agree with you doesn't matter. Maybe that is the right thing thing for you or your children if they were not here Xx

Yes, this idea that remarriage = happiness and singleness = neverending misery is just bizarre to me. My nan lived nearly thirty years after losing her husband. She never had any interest in finding another partner. She had siblings, children, grandchildren, friends and hobbies and was capable, eventually, of finding happiness in them. Obviously she'd have preferred to have a husband too; but she wanted her husband, the one she'd spent forty years married to, not a new one.

Right now the DH assumes he'd want to remarry, but being widowed is not some kind of guarantee that your next relationship will be sunshine and roses because the universe owes you one.

We have just lost two very dear friends, one male and one female, both aged 68. They were both recent retirees and both their partners are now condemned to a lonely retirement that could last over 20 years unless they remarry. Why on earth would you want them not to? Spending a miserable retirement alone and moping is not going to bring them back. I hope they are already on the dating apps.

But you don't have to be at it like rabbits all the time to want a relationship. Someone to share your life with, drive with you in the camper van round Europe, etc., is also very nice to have (it's not much fun camping on your own unless you are incredibly good at striking up conversations with strangers). My mum was widowed 17 years before she died, and she said that what she missed most was shared memories, someone to bring her tea in the morning, someone to talk over the cornflakes, and just someone to share her life ('a table for one' doesn't really attract). She was incredibly sociable and ran all kinds of committees and charities, and she had 5 adoring grandchildren. But she said she never stopped missing my dad even for a second. As she said, on one of her sociable days she could easily be doing stuff for 5-6 hours. But there are 24 hours in a day and she was alone for the other 18-19.

Regarding the few comments about autism. I don’t have a diagnosis but I do have a lot of traits, I’ve always been like this. I think that’s why I had a progressively stricter childhood upbringing as my mother was trying to discipline the traits out of me ? It was very harsh at times.

MIL has been demanding I ‘formally apologise’ about what I said and I told her that yes I did say that, and I’m sorry that she told the person concerned as although the comment / opinion was mine she didn’t need to pass it on. I didn’t intend to hurt them I didn’t say it to their face I said it to dh. I’ve also asked him about his reasoning for going to MIL about a disagreement we could have worked through together ?

I have told him again I wouldn’t want him to be unhappy I was just saying the thought of that situation now is upsetting to me. He’s not really spoken much to me since then he’s been doing overtime so today is the first day really together since the discussion.

There's not even an argument to be had there, is there? Obviously it's Chase...

You need to tell him that you're sorry what you said upset him. And that you're sorry for judging anyone in a situation you can't relate to. And that you would obviously want him to be happy again if you were to die, so he has your blessing to move on in whatever way is best for him.

Life after death isn't about the dead person. I know there's some stuff I would hate, but it's not about me at that point. It's about the people left behind. If you die and he knows that you would hate the idea of him moving on, how is he supposed to without a huge amount of guilt? How would you feel if he were gone, and he'd told you that he hates the idea of you being alone with your pets and he'd be sad unless you did what he would prefer?

Oh really you both need to grow up. My wife died 3 years ago. I have 2 lady friends, but no intention of marrying either of them. She was the only woman for me. That's my choice. Some men are different. You just tell him what he wants to hear or he tells you what you want to hear or divorce him if you can't tell a white lie.

Definitely not Marshall, that's for sure. But we could try Zuma. Would make a change for him to have something to do.

Zuma isn't a bad choice. Rubble would just stop and eat everything on the route.

Why on earth would you say that ? What’s morally corrupt about moving on ? If you’ve grieved and are ready and the opportunity to find happiness again presents itself, why would you not take it if the only thing standing in your way is the opinions of others ?

And in my experience, usually those ‘others’ are the ones with husbands/wives/partners, who have never experienced the devastating loss of a partner as well as the loneliness that inevitably comes with it. They’re also very often the ones who shut you out because you’re now a woman alone and perceived as a threat to their own partners.

I get it, the thought of my husband “today” meeting and marrying another woman is horrendous.

And I can’t apply the reality of - oh but if it was dead then I wouldn’t mind, because I’ve never been dead.

I think, after a reasonable amount of time I would want my husband to be happy and move on and not be alone, mainly because he’s shit on his own. But I’d also want the kids, who are still young, to settle into a new normal first before another woman appears.

I think in this situation Op, you’re trying to tell him that you love him and it’s come across wrong. Just have a chat with him - explain it’s not that you want him to be miserable but that you’re really sad about the thought of him being with someone else.

You should have kept your mouth shut about the relative though - it’s been 18 months not two weeks. Although your MIL shouldn’t be shit stirring and feeding back the gossip.

Same here. DH and l were married for over thirty years. About a year later I met and got talking to man in a hospital clinic waiting room and there was a connection there. Something l never thought l’d feel again. I knew it was too soon for a relationship but we became friends and it went from there. We were married a couple of years later.

I don’t think anyone can understand the grief of losing your life partner, or what you put yourself through in the process of moving on. There are a few very judgemental comments on the thread, speaking as though moving beyond your grief into another relationship is the easiest thing in the world. I found it to be one of the hardest things l’ve ever done - not least because the grief is always there and it inevitably produces a sense of guilt which is difficult to deal with - even though you know you’re not doing anything wrong it feels like cheating somehow.

I found out who my real friends were when l was widowed. I lost most of my female circle of friends because l was now a woman alone, and perceived as a threat to them. No idea why they would even think that, but there we are. Like you l lost what l thought were a couple of good friends of DH1 and myself when l met DH2 even though we weren’t dating until some time later, and it remains a source of enormous hurt that they could put their judgement of me above my happiness.

I’ve come to realise that you never forget your late partner, you carry them with you and they become a part of who you are - your life experience. If I’m first to pass l’ll happily be taken forward in my DH’s memory, wherever life takes him.

Well if you believe in the Afterlife you must accept that the marriage vow is only till death, not beyond, so your position is contradictory.

Till death us do part.

My husband started dating me 6 months after his wife died, it raised a few eyebrows for sure, we did keep it discrete for a couple of months. He knew what he wanted, I didn't expect to start a new relationship after being divorced. He was right because we make a very good couple, now that I know him well there are not many other women that he would have married

Not at all. Kids were too old to need a step mother. I imagine she meant if he met someone else she would like the kids to like her too.

I don’t think either of them thought you need a partner to be happy but if he did meet someone she wanted him to have no guilt towards her.

They had a happy marriage full of love and laughter and she didn’t want him to be lonely and grieve forever.

There is nothing wrong in it, I understand, even the church allows widows' and widowers' second marriages, I know.
Just does not sit right with me, but this is my problem.

I think that's gross of your husband. Thoroughly indecent that he couldn't even wait a year. I think anything less than a year is totally disrespectful to the deceased spouse. Six months is terrible.

A decent interval would be two years minimum, in my view, but it seems extremely unlikely for lots of men to wait that long. What a pity that some of them can't even hold themselves back for a year out of respect for their late spouse.

You are absolutely right. But who in today's world think of what is appropriate? I remember I read Tombstones by Guy de Maupassant. He was such a satirist, an amazing chronicler of the fallen morals of the late XIXth century. In the Tombstones he wrote of the depravity of those who used raw emotions of the newly bereaved to pick up new partners in cemeteries. You are right. It is grotesque. And Maupassant agrees.

Big difference between a future LTR and remarriage but these threads always seem to assume every relationship means marriage.

No problem for either DH or I to find happiness in a future LTR if one of us died. Like hell would either of us remarry and risk our kids inheritance though. My estate is for my family.

Just reminded myself of the original post. I don't think 18 months is too soon to be dating again, but it's on the quicker end.

Before our society became anything-goes, it was generally agreed that;

Anything under a year is thoroughly indecent.
A year to two years is not ideal but OK.
A decent interval is two years plus.

I don't have much time for people who don't have the respect for their late spouse to even wait one year. My exBIL was widowed; his late wife was about five years older than him, and she was quite a Hattie Jacques type. After she died, he couldn't wait to stick it in some attractive young blonde almost 35 years younger than him. He was certainly enjoying his newly found widowerhood. They didn't last, but I still can't believe he did that. I can't remember how long it was after his wife died, but not long at all. When he gets up there, I hope she bashes him round the head with a celestial frying pan, I really do.

I'm ALL for widowed people finding happiness again, I truly am, but I think most people are more comfortable with the idea of a decent interval, probably because nobody like to think they could be so quickly replaced. It does look as if you didn't love your spouse if you're off the starting blocks within a few months. Looks like you can't wait to dive into someone else, and I think with many men, that's true. I think I would probably be turned off by a man who wasn't at least 18 months out from being widowed, and preferably, quite a bit longer.

Why ? Why do you think six months is terrible ? Why the judgement ? Where does the sense of outrage come from that once we lose a much loved partner, there is some arbitrary minimum time we must wait to start another relationship ? Everyone is different and trust me until you lose a much loved life partner you have no idea what you would do. This idea that some posters have that you are somehow ‘replacing’ your loved one just isn’t true.

I've always told my long term partner I expect him to climb in the coffin with me when I'm dead so we can be together forever, of course that is just said in jest to him and I've actually told him if I die 1st I want him to find someone that makes him happy and looks after him. I actually worry if I dies 1st that he won't cope so I hope he can find someone that can get him through what will be a really tough period in his life. In reality tho he will most likely die before me for a number of reasons and I'm not saying I would just move on to my next victim straight away but I know he'd want me to be happy and not miserable and lonely.
Would you really want your husband to be desperately lonely and sad even years after you've passed? That to me seems like a very selfish thing especially as humans are not made for being alone we all need someone and to feel loved and cared for. I think you need to have a long hard think about why you would want your husband to be alone and miserable in the event of your passing as selfishness is not a good trait to have.

CrazyMidget I’m very sorry for your loss, and I understand you having complicated feelings about your BIL dating again. But… your post does rather imply you’d have felt better about it if he’d dated someone who looked like his late wife? That’s pretty unreasonable.

One could suggest he wanted some comfort and looked for someone as different from his wife as possible.

Saying that someone “enjoyed” his new life as a widower is also pretty unreasonable.

You want widows and widowers to wait several years to make you feel comfortable, not because it will benefit the widow(er).