Did the wife find out about your affair with a married man?

[GenEx]

It seems to be affair confessional central here tonight.

If you were an unmarried woman having an affair with a married man did he get away with it or did his wife find out?

I have no skin in the game - just nosiness about the hidden volume of secrets out there. And obviously anyone could write any old rubbish.

It would be karma for her, but not for the children.

Not for the children, no, you’re right. But she definitely deserves to know how it feels, children notwithstanding. It’s the only way emotionless ppl finally get it. The lack of human empathy for a pregnant woman who has undergone ivf makes me think she’s a sociopath. And a psycho for having anything to do with a man who would do that to his own wife and in those circumstances

She herself may have been damaged by poor modelling of fidelity in her family of origin.

A very close friend’s husband led what might be described as a double life. He had an affair partner who had his child, just after he and his wife had their second child and two years before their third. The affair went on for more than seven years and she suspected nothing. He attended the birth, ante natal classes and parent’s day at the other kids school, which was in the next town to where they lived.

She found out only when the other woman got fed up and told her. She was devastated. She felt so stupid for not realising. Allegedly he had been working some very odd hours (he was a health inspector), but she never asked why no more money was coming in and why they were always struggling. She also had not realised he had used the money from a promotion to help fund the other woman whilst his family had been struggling.

In my earshot this Prince of a man justified his actions as being the natural order of things and that in some societies men have multiple wives and the wives all work together quite happily……

She did kick him out, but they were both part of a very evangelical Christian Church and under pressure from the Church leaders she took him back. Despicably the Church insisted he cut all contact with the child from this woman and as far as I know he has not spoken to the woman or child since.

I would not however be at all surprised if he was shagging elsewhere again. For some men it is just ingrained. Avoid like the plague, a whole world of pain awaits with men like this.

I was three years divorced, knew I wanted sex and a bit of companionship so I started an affair with a man I knew to be married. He was very supportive as I went through a serious bereavement, and he was very good in bed. He hoped I would be a better meal ticket than his wife going forward, but over a period of 7 years he slowly realised what I had known all along: there was no future, it was just a happy little bubble. Bubble burst for reasons unconnected to me (police), I ended it, his wife threw him out. I have had no contact whatsoever. I have no regrets but equally I know I will have no more intimate relationships (I’m mid 60s).

Well yes, hence why I'm not married and don't want a long term relationship with a man ever again. I don't think they work for the majority of the population, but I'm probably just jaded by my own experiences

She's not "my" wife I'm the OW in this situation.

I’m so intrigued, thanks for your honesty!
Do you think it would make a difference to the man you love that you are only cheating with one man, that you care for enormously, rather than any old shag?

I'm not the OW, I'm the wife. I found out because the OW was bragging about it at work, and one of her colleagues thought she was out of order and emailed me to tell me what was going on. Eight years later my DH has died, and I am still finding out new stuff and still suffering. It ruined my life. But I appreciate the colleague who had the guts to tell me, she did the right thing.

No, not at all.

Does it count as an affair if it was a ONS? I was on a contract overseas and the CEO arrived with some others from the UK office.

My then boyfriend was being really crap on a few levels.t I was really upset and had decided it was over.

I got very very drunk, ended up in bed with the outrageously flirty CEO. I woke up in his hotel room, him snoring beside me and snuck out. The next day we were presenting together. He asked me if everything was ok, I said yes. We both agreed we had too much to drink. I said it was a mistake for me and we should forget it happened. Our working relationship continued well, no undercurrent of anything else. I left the company later and moved on.

Five years later he got in touch with some excuse or another. Bizarrely I had basically forgotten about this night of crap drunken sex and thought of him as an ex-colleague who I liked. Then he turned the conversation to personal matters said he had always liked me and would I be interested in exploring something with him. I - confused - asked him when his marriage ended. He said it hadn't and he didn't intend to end his marriage so didn't want to mislead me

I was horrified. Hadn't I been clear that I regretted the ONS as he was married? Why was he getting in touch with me years later - he certainly hadn't been thinking of me all that time.

Then I realised he had a mistress on the go and that had ended so he was looking for a replacement.

I fully believe the create vacancy if he marries his mistress theory.

I'm the wife who found out too. It's the most disgusting thing two people can do to a person. The OW wanted my life, she didn't get it. Made my life hell for two years after I found out. People who get involved with other people's husbands/wives have no shame.

Err you can help whose dick you allow inside you though, can't you?

Such a lame excuse.

When did I excuse my behaviour? I still said I was disappointed in myself.
Loads of women have replied back on this thread so don’t know why you have singled out my reply?
I’m sure all of us know it is wrong but these men are the ones who have a partner/wife at home and if they are lying to them then that is on them. And I think I can speak for a lot of women on here when I say they don’t even tell you they have someone waiting at home for them you mostly find out yourself!

Maybe she has known for years but is quite happy as it gets her out of having to have sex with him but keeps the lifestyle?

Three years later and I’m still so disappointed in myself but things happen and you can’t help who you fall in love with I guess

It's right there in the 'but', 'things happen' and 'you can't help who you call in love with'.

I am having an affair with a man whose partner has dementia. He is now her carer. He felt enormous guilt at first. We had been friends for a long time and never single at the same time. I don't look to the future and neither does he, but we love each other and trust each other. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful in any other relationship. Probably there will be people on here who still think this is wrong but if he leaves her, she loses a carer and is hurt. If we end the affair we are both deeply unhappy (we have tried).

IMO people who cheat on their spouses/partners are guilty of rape every time they sleep with them whilst other times screwing their BOTS. Assuming that the wronged party would not consent to sleep with the cheat if they knew about the affair, then being kept ignorant of it removes their informed consent, therefore it is rape. Full stop.

This. This is me too and currently going through shit with it still

I had an affair with a married man and to my knowledge no one (including his wife) found out about our affair. She did find out about others however.

I didn’t want him as a long term partner, the affair and him staying married suited me very well. I didn’t want anyone to know.

Is your older married man, who you're having the affair with, having an affair with any other women as well as you?

Yes - had an affair with a MM 5 years ago. He was financially supporting me at a very vulnerable time having left an abusive marriage myself. Was supposed to be an ‘arrangement’ of sorts. He had done it before, I was more concerned about surviving than the morality of it.

His wife found out after 9 months. He had gotten a bit sloppy. We loved each other. It got very messy including her messaging me pretending to be him, stuff like that. She made him call me to end it but she was listening it to make sure he said the right things - he called me secretly the next day to apologise. Told me I wasn’t making up what was between us.

they stayed together - young kids. But he kept stalking me online, thinking he was being discreet. I eventually confronted him after he did this for a whole year and he admitted he was in love with me. Never felt for anyone so strongly. He was terrified. That he regretted the marriage. It was only for the kids. His wife had found sex difficult, she had expected him to leave her for a year afterwards. That he was trying his hardest to stay.that he had had the affairs hoping she would end it. That sort of thing. If she had known it probably would have been marriage ending stuff. He never told her any of this, so not really ‘true reconciliation’. Nevertheless said he wouldn’t leave his children.

I told him to stop looking me up if he wasn’t going to make a proper decision. I removed all my pictures. He lasted 18 months. Started again in 2025 once my pictures were visible to him again, and then again this year, multiple times a week. Once again, I have removed access but without having spoken to him about why first. It’s unfair on everyone.

His wife has no idea. But she seems to be posting a lot of stuff on social media for validation / attention, all very OTT and seems to be a recent thing. It seems strange. She posted a video of him trying to engage with him and he just looked at her with pure contempt and didn’t engage, speak or look at her again.

whole thing is just sad. I sorted my life out, and wouldn’t do it again. I am not proud of it but also their relationship seemed really unhealthy in many respects.

My first wife had an affair, with one of her work colleagues. The night I found out, was the night my marriage ended.
I'm sorry, but I have no time for cheaters.

Yep - pretty much always have a boyfriend and a MM on the go at the same time.
Don't believe the wives have ever found out.