Did the wife find out about your affair with a married man?

[GenEx]

It seems to be affair confessional central here tonight.

If you were an unmarried woman having an affair with a married man did he get away with it or did his wife find out?

I have no skin in the game - just nosiness about the hidden volume of secrets out there. And obviously anyone could write any old rubbish.

About what? You didn't have an intimate relationship even if you had a connection. You told your husband and ended it (whatever it was) when you met him, and tbh I don't even see what there was to tell. You had a friend you met every few weeks or so; might have been a bit of frisson but it didn't lead to anything, you were open about it and you ended it.

But your husband threatened to leave you over it, and then cheated?

It really sounds as if you might have been... maybe not gaslit exactly but I think you may have been exploited somehow. Nothing you describe sounds like an affair.

Of course he wouldn’t.

I don’t want him to leave her.

I still enjoy seeing him.

I don’t want children. I’m not that young - mid 30s.

If you enjoy seeing him more than you care about your partner, you should end your relationship.

Do you not even have the slightest bit of guilt about what you're doing to him?

Then what is the difference? Why is he a special case?

Things that you think are obvious, are not at all obvious to me.

I enjoy seeing my partner more.

I suppose because I was seeing him before my partner.

this is such a selfish attitude sorry . It is totally wrong for them to “both be happy “ with deceiving this man’s wife for 11 years .

I am so sorry this happened to you. There's no excuse for it in my opinion.
I hope you are doing a little better though and have family and friends round you to support you?

Then why don't you just leave the relationship/ marriage?

People really are shit sometimes.

Are you going to answer my second question?

Ewww how can you screw that Liam Gallagher he is rank! 🤮

Can someone answer me this?
Does nobody have any morals or consideration for anyone else these days?
I would never cheat or destroy someone else's family.
Is there no guilt at all?

So the wife is potentially exposed to a whole string of other people's STDs?

I asked that question too but it's clearly being avoided.

Obviously someone who is having a long-standing affair does not feel guilt or shame, or care about anyone but themselves. Nasty behaviour.

Thes days? Are you saying in the past people didn't have affairs? I think affairs have happened since the dawn of humanity.

Are they right? Obviously not but humans are flawed animals and make shitty decisions all the time, it's all about self serving and I think there has to be an ability to compartmentalise to do it.

I have my own thoughts on monogamy and marriage as a social construct and not a biological one, not getting into that one though

There is no excuse for me either especially if you know about the relationship prior which was the case in my situation she knew we had 2 kids etc & when talking to her I said it to her,you may not have known in the beginning but you did know & as a woman I couldn't do it but we are all not the same,he was at fault but her morals are questionable. I have the best support system I have to say,my brother's & father are amazing,my mom unfortunately passed away in the midst of it all,I have great friends & the community I live in is fab too

I sometimes have flashes of guilt.

Not personally but a very close male relative had been having an affair for years. His wife knew. She used to ask the kids to keep an eye on him if he was at the pub (older "children" bar staff at said pub) or if he was at sports events etc as the person suspected of being affair partner was part of a sports club the man went to (trying to be vague...)

Anyway eventually the wife got the proof. On christmas eve of all days. Catastrophic output for all involved. She took him back early the next year but by then as it was all the open the man found it easier to call time on the marriage and go to AP full time.

Lots of time has passed. Male relative and AP now married. Hes pretty much enmeshed in AP/new wifes family and grandkids doesnt see his own much.

AP daughter told me the man in question had been coming to their family parties and events for years. Friends and family protected the fact he was blatently there as his AP plus 1 and noone ever thought that was shit on his actual wife... id love to have known if it ever came up in conversation- "how you doing Dave hows the wife and Kids?" 😅

Bottom line- wife knew but she never got the concrete proof and he was so brazen about it and everyone protected the relationship

@ThatCyanCat @Sakura7 @Thewalrusandthecarpenter

Thanks! Yes my husband knew about our friendship. I wouldn’t have married with a lie.

Yes, it felt a bit desperate at the time, first baby and a panic of being on my own.

TBF to my husband, word had got round at the station (husband and married friend were in the same police force, working from the same station).

As with gossip and whispers, this became
‘Mr Married Friend’s wife has left him because he had an affair with Mr Good Natural’s wife’.

My husband was mortified that I was included.

Of course, gossip does not always include the detail as in Mr Married Friend’s wife had found out about his affair with someone else, not me, and my friendship was before I married my husband not whilst I was married.

1. If your partner found out, would he stay with you?
2. If not, is it worth the risk?
3. If so, would he be in pain?
4. If so, is your pleasure worth it?

Perhaps you think that if your partner ever finds out, you'll be able to plead special circumstances for your affair?

But you didn't have an affair though? You seem to have convinced yourself that you did, because people gossiped about it?

We lied to his wife though. As I said, emotional attachment (emotional affair)
There is no way she would have accepted him spending time, with a female 20 year old.

It doesn't really matter whether we called it an affair or not. Gossip was that it was, that I had destroyed my husband’s colleague’s marriage. (At the time, as she did take him back later).