Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

I think you need a big adult conversation about how his parenting approach is affecting your relationship, and any future relationships in the future if you do decide to split. Explain how you fully appreciate that he wants to see his children are weekend, but explain that in a normal relationship, it’s normal to arrange Friday or Saturday evening dates etc, and you’re not expecting him to tie up his whole weekend, just one small part of it. His children are old enough to understand this.

Definitely.

Again, you can’t assume anything about his or his ex’s past or current parenting (‘he puts the children first but she sounds more involved in her relationship’). You have only heard his take on things and he has strong incentives to present as a ‘good father’, not least to justify his not seeing you at all on weekends.

What you do know is: when you dated him it fizzled out; he’s not seeing you at all on weekends; he doesn’t hasn’t much mentioned friends/wider family/interests.

His kids are taking him for granted. I wonder how much they respect him really? It seems a bit sad, them knowing good old dad will be there waiting for them at least 5 days a week.

I hope they don't grow up to be so inconsiderate to other people in their lives.

I think this is true. I have skirted around the edges and said that relationships need space to grow and that it makes me feel on edge. The difficulty is that I do not have children ( we are both in our 50s) so he sees my view as one from someone who doesn’t understand what being a parent is - that’s true but I also have many friends with children who have a lot of balance in their lives.

That’s just another not good sign about him!

The fact you are both in your 50s is quite relevant here I think.
For some reason I assumed you were younger than him.

You are probably more inclined to hang on to this relationship because you feel that finding another one at the age you are might be tricky.

I think have another frank discussion with him and see what comes of it.
But also don't expect too much, I can't see him ever wanting much more than something casual given his behaviour plus his recent relationship history. I still suspect he uses his kids an an excuse to keep things casual but not scare partners off.

Yep, it might not be deliberate (although not sure that matters) but it’s quite difficult for me or anyone partner to challenge.

It's been 2 months. It's dating, not a relationship. OP didn't say how long he's been separated so he may be newly navigating this and how many times have men been jumped on for not prioritising their children vs a new relationship.
OP, if you don't like this, move on

100%!

This can happen and it can also be modelled on behaviour they have grown up with as demonstrated by mother. My step children have witnessed horrible behaviour by their mother eg shouting " don't let him in here" when their father was picking up and needed the toilet. She was an alcoholic and physically abusive too. He didn't have an affair. She wanted a divorce. My now h wouldn't tackle their way of behaviour or talking to him but I certainly did.

The difficulty is that I do not have children ( we are both in our 50s) so he sees my view as one from someone who doesn’t understand what being a parent is - that’s true but I also have many friends with children who have a lot of balance in their lives.

Its very easy for him to say "you don't understand because you don't have children" but it appears that he's lost a previous girlfriend because of this (did she have children?) so you're not the only one who has noticed the lack of balance

8 years !

Bin him off. He'll never change.
It's only been 2 months.

It’s not ‘difficult to challenge’, really.

‘you’re not available on weekends, for the reasons you’ve explained. I’d otherwise like to continue seeing you but this arrangement doesn’t now work well for me, so if you’re still not available at weekends, let’s call it a day’.

& don’t debate or engage with his reasons - his reasons don’t much matter - and don’t put up with anything dismissive or stereotyping he says about people without DC!

Fine. The flip side to that is l would just make my own plans and not factor him in. Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option. He can’t have it both ways and to put it bluntly always have you waiting in the wings for him

Reckon he's just not available for a serious relationship. His last girlfriend probably had the same experience.

Plenty of people are kind and attractive but don't want the cognitive load of a committed supportive relationship. He wants to control things and keep you a bit distant.

Someone in my social circle...doesn't have kids but don't think he's that into dating someone.

He's charming and nice and good at paying attention so you feel chemistry

but you can see he's boundaried with his own life and commitments....cute 😋 but I can imagine things fizzle out quite easily with him.

Never mind socialising... what if you're emotionally struggling or have an emergency one weekend and he's like "there's a 0.5% chance my kids might want to drop in, sorry".

When you meet someone really into you you KNOW if you ring up one night im tears and say there's an emergency the guy will be the one to get in the car and sort it out.

If you're moving house or doing some horrible job they're the first to volunteer.

There's no doubt. They're looking for ways to integrate themselves into your life ASAP.

This one doesn't even want a set time to go out for a recreational few hours at the weekend!

@SofaMerkin i agree with your point that if someone is keen they will want to be part of your life, rather than finding ways to keep you out of their life

Everything that you say is true, I ended previous relationships because I felt that the person wasn’t capable of providing emotional support. I do wonder if he’s on one level compensating for something with his children. I think when I meet a man who is kind and responsible to his children I see it as a green flag but there’s no balance. I am sure he is reading this as me asking him to deprioritise his children.