Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t really get why you would want to live like this op. It doesn’t sound any fun. So, you sit there twiddling your thumbs Thursday through Sunday just in case he might fancy doing something with you?!? And if he doesn’t, you just sit and wait a bit more?

What did you do on a weekend before you met him? Surely it was more fun than waiting to see if he is available. If it wasn’t, and that’s why you’re happy to sit around waiting, then what I’d do is build my own life.

He prioritises his children over you? Good lad!!

I did also assume this. I’m also wondering what on earth the op is basing him being a ‘wonderful man and father’ on. His words? How would you know if someone is wonderful after 2 months? You will only know if they communicate charmingly and articulately, that’s all you know.

I don’t, if he can’t commit to the weekend, I just do my own thing, see friends etc. But part of me feels disappointed that I can’t share experiences with him.

Well, yes, but then don’t go on a dating site pretending you want to date. He doesn’t. He wants a mid week shag and someone to sit around waiting for him just in case.

Well yeah, that is the entire point of having a boyfriend after all.

Yeah……: you don’t know that….. you just think all men are bastards…..
many other days in the week to go out.

how dare he put his kids first?? Especially as it’s a long term relationship… oh hang on..

I think you just need to accept that his way of doing things works for him and his kids, but doesn’t work for you.

He’s perfectly entitled to say “this is how I do things” and you’re perfectly entitled to walk away because it doesn’t work for you.

I think neither of you are wrong - he’s probably always done this and the kids are used to it. Changing things dramatically for a new girlfriend isn’t always easy either. But that doesn’t mean this is working for you. Call it a timing thing if that’s easier, but it’s just not a relationship that’s going anywhere as you have totally different priorities.

It’s literally the title and point of the thread. The man doesn’t want to make plans on a weekend. That wouldn’t work for many people to count as dating.

I think he is using the kids as a sheild
perfect get out clause

I was once in a “relationship” with a man like this. It became apparent that his children were being used as a way for him to hide from the reality of a relationship. I eventually ended it.

Yes

My DD is in this exact situation and she says it would be a huge red flag if he didn’t make time for his children it’s why he is so wonderful….

He’s pretty clear about his priorities. With a 15 year old I could see it possibly being useful for maintaining a connection at a tricky age. But regardless, it’s not meeting your needs. If they were all adults and you had been dating longer I’d say it was worth raising, but as it is I think you just need to move on. He’s not treating you the way you need a boyfriend to treat you. Don’t go investing more emotion and time in him.

I’m thinking the same this is not going to be going anywhere it’ll be a total waste of time

If you can’t prioritise a relationship in any shape or form don’t start one
he can’t have it both ways

He'd rather be available for his kids than be with you. Just accept that he's not that in to you and move on.

In a few years time when the kids visit even less and he's let a few potential relationships drift away maybe he'll regret it. Or maybe he won't and he'll look back at the time with pride that he was an involved and caring father. Either way you'll be long gone.

Nope, wouldn't work for me. Both myself and my boyfriend have children of similar ages but we each have a schedule of when we're with our children that we know weeks in advance. And we arrange dates in advance, working with that.

I would not have dated him if he was doing what your guy is doing.

He's not putting himself in a position to date. His choice

Thursday to Sunday is over half the week. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to suggest a cinema date on a Friday, or a Sunday lunch meal and a walk.

Do they know their dad is dating? Maybe when he knows the coast is definitely clear, that’s when he sees you?

Two months isn’t long. He’s not for you. Maybe worth explaining why your splitting up so he knows it’s not usual

Could he possibly be dating someone else too? Someone who's only free weekends?

Have you ever been to his house? Does his texting patterns change on weekends?

Me neither

I was thinking this. And he could be dating several people and compartmentalising them on some sort of rota.
He could also be out with male friends at the weekend too.

Op

ignore the ridiculous comments in here some people love to twist the knife

if I was you I would tell him that moving forward this type of scenario isn’t going to work for you and ask if he can be more accommodating- if he says no then I think you know what you have to do

I think plans are very fluid at the age they are and I guess he doesn’t want to say he is busy as wants ( rightly) to put them first.
I think two months is still early days - and would be very early to meet them.
if you’re keen, I think you need to let this go for now and see how things progress in September.