Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

Where did you meet him?

Because if it was on a dating website then what the hell is he doing on a dating website if he's not dating? You might ask yourself that.

He's not available to you when you want him to be. It sounds like you expect him to drop a long time routine that has worked for him and his kids because you want that time. That's how he does things and you know that. It could be said you're unreasonable and a bit controlling expecting him to change his ways and be more available for you instead of his kids a few weeks into dating. It sounds like this relationship might not be a good fit for you if you're already struggling that he's not giving you the time together you want.

Have you met any of his friends or colleagues?

He's not the one for you, unless you're prepared to not see him at weekends, if he's going to spend every weekend staying home in case his children pop round. Yes, being around for your children is always going to be the priority but surely he can make arrangements with them ahead of time rather than just waiting around for them!

I have no idea why this man is trying to date.

My DP has three adult kids and we've had issues in the beginning (and in fact up until the point I broke things off with him) around how time is managed / prioritised etc. We've now been together almost 4 years and things are good, there's been some compromise of course, but also there have been areas where I've been really firm and have made it clear what I won't accept (people are always free to walk away).
I don't think it's acceptable for someone to want your love, your commitment, and years of your life, if they're always going to put you second. Think very very very very carefully if this is what you want go for long term. As the song says, 'all the things that we accept will be the things that we regret'.
By the way you won't get much support on MN around this kind of issue as the mantra here is 'kids always come first', I think that attitude makes sense up to a certain age of course, but not forever and not in a black and white way. A relationship that's never prioritised can't survive, and I think often people who say this are perhaps first wives who worry about how their own kids might be treated. I totally get that, but the only opinions that actually matter are from women who are in your shoes, as they're the only ones understanding your choices and what it's like to be in a relationship with a man who has kids and doesn't know how to create healthy boundaries. My ex husband has no problem telling my 13 and 15 year old that he can't do something they ask him for because he's already got plans with his GF - the kids are absolutely fine with that, and I am too. I love and adore my children to the moon and back, but the universe doesn't need to revolve around them, and fathers can sometimes create incredibly entitled kids by not realising that.

That’s exactly my point, could just one Friday or one Saturday be reserved for us. He’s a good father but actually I think there’s something in showing the children how to have a balance in life too.

How does it work in practise? He won't make any plans between thursday and sunday, is there a moment in those days when he realises his children won't come over and he will then call you to see if you are available? Like, on all of those days he will wait till 5pm and if the children have not come over then he will call you?

Are you sure he's not actually married?

It’s really lame he can’t make plans for one evening between thurs and Sunday, also he’s just letting his teens take advantage and not respect his time. TBH I think he just wants something casual and doesn’t want to commit his time.

I really don’t think given the age of his children it’s unreasonable to ask to have a dinner together between Thursday to Saturday. How do relationships go from beginnings to more serious. It’s not controlling and certainly not unreasonable.

One might say I am coming on Weds for the weekend then send a message on the day and say they are coming the next day and might go Sunday or maybe Saturday. He will fix something with me for Tuesday or Monday . The other might turn up separately, so there’s been one or both all Summer. I think because their mother lives with her partner (and they live with her) they probably prefer being with their dad …I get that but I do end up doing all the things that I would like to do with a partner either on my own or with friends…

I’d walk away now before you get too heavily invested in the relationship. His kids will always come first and if he’s not prepared to give and take then what’s the point? Find someone who values you and wants to spend time with you

He is not the man for you unfortunately. I've been there and if you continue, it'll only hurt more when it does end

Agreed.
He's doing right by his kids. 15 is a difficult age and if you can't cope with him prioritising their needs you need to move on
X

He's a complete waste of time as far as a woman wanting a meaningful relationship with him. I'd give him a miss and let him get on with living his life in his way.

Tbh it sounds like he is using his kids as an excuse. The 19 year old is an adult and most kids want to do their own thing at weekends with friends. You deserve better he sounds very lukewarm and his main priority while it should be his kids seems all consuming . I would quite now before you start to develop real feelings got him.

Have you met his kids yet, do they even know you're in a sort of relationship with him

This is unfair on you and it's only been 2 months. It's basic incompatibility OP. I am sure his heart is in the right place but you count as well and they are not little kids. Bad luck 😔

Maybe he shouldn’t have started the relationship ?

This nails it. I smell bullshit. As a parent of a 15yo and know a lot of older teens they won't be hanging out having daddy daughter/son time. He just wants his weekends to himself, relegate you to mid week shaggy use the "dad of the year" excuse. Ditch him.

Possibly yes. X

Maybe he works in the week

I’m surprised, they don’t seem to have friends. The older one seems to go to the cinema, restaurants, you name it with him, he has never mentioned her spending time with friends. Maybe that’s why he is so protective and consumed ?

Thank you. That’s very understanding.