Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

How often have you actually seen this man in two months? How did you meet and how did you come to decide that you were in a relationship? As, if you’re only seeing him once a week, midweek, you must barely even know each other at this stage?

This is the initial dating ‘getting to know each other’ stage, not the ‘we’re in a relationship’ stage, surely? And you’re discovering that his idea of dating isn’t yours. I’d cut my losses.

Being a good dad is a good thing but only part of the picture. Surely being a good partner is at least equally important.
I don't think having a kid with a man who's devoted to the kids but isn't willingly to meet basic needs in a relationship would end well!

You're quite right @PrawnAgain , no family will be happy where either partner loves the DC but isn't really bothered about their partner. If you read the Step parents board there's quite a few disillusioned Step Mothers who did have DC with a divorced Dad only to find he can't put his guilt to one side about his first DC.
Hopefully @Rosiecidar will work out that this isn't the man for her

If you read the Step parents board there's quite a few disillusioned Step Mothers who did have DC with a divorced Dad only to find he can't put his guilt to one side about his first DC.

Yes, I always used to think the ‘first family’ children were the ones who got left behind when a father remarried, but quite often it’s the ‘new’ child who suffers, due to guilt

I disagree. You're only just getting to know each other. I would tell him goodbye on Thursday, "I'm going to the cinema/theatre on Friday with A and out to dinner/pub on Saturday with B. Have a lovely weekend with the boys See you next Monday 😘".
Do this for 4 weeks and if he still refuses to spend time with you at the weekend, call it a day and find someone who values your company above everyone's.

He will soon smarten up when you make yourself not available to his last minute requests. Or not 🤷‍♀️

I think quite often it's both - the new kids get deprioritised and the first DC get superficially spoilt but not parented. All left behind, really, and not good for any of them.

My suspicion in these cases is that the fathers in these situations just can't step up responsibility wise - they avoid all the boring, drudge work. Ignore the baby years (often part of the reason for splitting from the first wife) and get involved when the kids are older and it's more "fun", and then, of course, it's a good excuse for ignoring the second family DC when they are babies and hard work.

But we don't know what the deal is with this guy. He may be like that, or he may be like a significant portion of mothers on MN who prioritise their DC above any realtionship. Or he may just be using them as an excuse so he can have OP "on tap" without committing to anything at the weekends.

I was with someone like this for 6 years on/off
He wouldn't go on holiday because he hadn't taken his two grown up kids on holiday this was the whole 6 years kids eventually were of age neither worked or had a job.
He was never allowed to get on his feet financially because they constantly used him for money.
I could not stand it in the end .

You mean she realised it was only casual? You need to tell him if he can’t book a weekend night out with you it’s less than casual.

I don't think it is about being a "good" dad. It's much more about the fear that he'll lose DC altogether if he doesn't make himself available on their terms.

He's been apart from their mother for 8 years and she has another partner. One of the dc is now an adult anyway. How much longer should he allow himself to be held to ransom by his teen and young adult dc?

I find it impossible to believe that he spends every single Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday at home just in case his dc decide to turn up. Has he no friends or hobbies? Does he never go to the pub with his mates? Does he never go out for the day at the weekend?

Nah. He's keeping the OP at a casual arm's length and not including her in his life.

He "shouldn't" need to at all but IME divorced fathers of adult children often do.

And, IME the children often harbour sufficient resentment that they are well aware of his guilt and happy to exploit it.

Maybe. But no matter what's behind it it makes him a bit of a crap boyfriend.

2 months? Sweetheart, throw this one back. He's not doing anything wrong but it doesn't work for you. Move on.

Here’s the thing, I don’t think he does. He might go to do chores etc like we all do but he doesn’t seem to go out in the evenings other than with them, cinema, dinners, walks, trips away.

Don't you find that a bit odd and a bit of a red flag?

If it's true that he has no friends & just relies on his children for his social life & emotional support I would think that would be reason enough to end it.

I would look for someone with a less complicated & more rounded life, this sounds more and more like a non-starter.

I’m curious how you met if he never goes out. Dating app?

We met on a dating app had a few dates it fizzled out then in true romcom style met again browsing in a shop at a train station - admittedly he was waiting to collect one of his children.

Just to clarify, he did not leave his wife. She ended the marriage as she had an affair and then carried on with that relationship for a short while. She now lives with her a different man and the children in theory live there. Except that’s not in a town whereas he lives in town. He puts the children first but she sounds more involved in her relationship.

I feel like after all these years this is kind of irrelevant.
The problem is how he is now and right now he presents as a man with no friends or social life who prioritises his kids to the level that he can't have a social life or properly date someone - if he actually wants to properly date a person, of course.

I feel like you are trying to justify him to yourself and want to hear something you aren't hearing on this thread where nearly everyone is telling you it's not worth it.
I also think it's telling that you reference bumping into him being like a "romcom" & I wonder if you are romanticising this relationship - the lonely dad who needs saving?

Only you can decide but it's never a good idea to go into a relationship with the idea that you can change a person so if you aren't sure you like the way he lives then, again, I would say move on & find someone more available.

Thanks god for mobile phones. I’d recommend he purchase one for himself and kids!

Isn’t this a huge red flag in itself? Someone who has no life unless someone else is there to sort it for them?

There’s a lot of truth in this reply. I think I am struggling with this because essentially someone who is really kind and responsible to his children is a good person. But you and others are right that doesn’t make him a good person to be in a relationship with, and it doesn’t make it fair towards me. I also don’t think it’s a great example to his children to live in such a closeted environment where no one else’s needs matter other than theirs and there’s no boundaries- but that’s not my business. It’s hard to meet kind responsible men but likewise there’s a certain trait about him that isn’t so great, it’s not really respectful to me. I suppose in my heart I want to hear him say ‘ the children are planning but haven’t definitely confirmed they are coming on Thursday (because they never seem to confirm) and I have told them that Friday Eve I am spending with you’. But that hasn’t happened and this isn’t working.

Have you said this to him?

Without getting too psycho babble about it, it might be that it's easier to hide behind the excuse of needing to be available to his kids.
If his wife cheated, he might just not want to become fully involved with another woman again for fear of getting hurt so this is a good way to keep things casual without having to actually say that - because he probably realises that most women will want more than casual going forward.

Whatever the reasons, it's not working for you &, as I said before, it's never good to see a relationship as taking on a project that you want to "fix".

If you are reluctant to end it right now, maybe have a think about how much you would truly be happy with in a relationship, your bare minimum of contact, have one last talk with him about it & set a time limit.
If the bare minimum you want isn't met by your time limit them definitely walk away.

That said, the lack of friends & social life would bother me but i'm not you.