Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

The "children" are old enough to realise their dad has a life. It seems a bit daft him booking the weekend just in case they come round. Surely they have mobile phones/can definitely give him a day/time?

An adult man who can’t ask his children what their weekend plans are or say he has his own?

No thanks. And this is whilst he’s in the beginnings of a new relationship when he can’t get enough of you. Don’t bode well does it?

If he won't tell his children, even occasionally, that he's unavailable for being visited then I'm not sure he's in a place to date.

They are not children, the 19 yo is an adult, I'm sure they would survive a few hours without him or join you both for an evening. Obviously they are his priority, he's not interested in a future with you at the moment.

Surely seeing school and uni holidays they can meet him any time,,any day during the week.

That's just weird. At that age, they are fine to be alone in the house if their dad is out to dinner, for example.

He's treating them like houseguests.

It's the holidays, why are weekends sacred? If anything during term time weekends would be more sacred, so I don't understand him saying it will change then?

It is nice to see a dad prioritises his kids, but I see where you are coming from considering their ages. Maybe he’s not the man for you OP.

Mmmmm. Dunno.

I am not sure, he says he hardly gets to see them but that’s more because the children have been on holiday and that was for only 2 weeks.

It does seem a bit odd that he'll sit indoors just on the off-chance. Surely he could just ask his kids what their plans are for the weekend and go from there!

I am not even asking for a whole weekend, heaven forbid. Just a ‘ I have booked cinema/theatre/dinner for us’ on a day which isn’t Tuesday!

I've just realised that you've only been sending him 2 months. I think you should bin him off to be honest. I don't think it's going to get any better!

I think he does but he says they also charge their plans, I understand that and I think they shouldn’t need to book time to come home but equally I think he can say ‘ I have arranged to go out on Saturday’

Sounds claustrophobic for the kids to be honest, I wonder if they find him a bit needy. OP seriously I would chuck this one back there’s something not quite right about it.

On the contrary, I think he's reasonable to prioritise his kids and not upset their long-standing routine for someone he's known a few weeks.

He might be perfectly happy to be flexible once they're more serious. The only way to know for sure would be to talk to him properly about it and ask.

Well he's obviously very much tied to them. I think you need to tell him how it's making you feel as he can't commit to spending time with you until the eleventh hour. The relationship probably isn't going to work, OP. Best wishes

I hear you. It’s very hard to get excited about meeting someone if it might not actually happen and has uncertainty. We have spoken and his solution seems to be well let’s fix a date for Tuesday or Wednesday then. He says it’s just being a parent but I think it’s how he chooses to be a parent.

At 15 and 19, I'm a bit surprised they're still actually that fussed about spending much time with him ( No offence to him but they surely have friends and a social life by now). have you noticed whether he's particularly worried about not seeing either one of them ? Perhaps in their background one or both have had issues, loneliness, a lack of close friends, could it be that ?

Has he always been like this ? do you think he's going overboard because of something their mother might have said ? Could it be a reaction to an accusation that he didn't spend quality time with them ?.

You have to tell him that it's not giving your relationship with him any decent time together. I hope he listens and does something about it.

He'd rather spend weekend time with his teens than you. That's his priority.

You've only been dating a few weeks. If his staying home to possibly see his kids on the weekend doesn't work for you, stop seeing him.

I think he sounds like a good dad by not prioritising a woman he’s only been seeing for 2 months over his kids . If it’s still the same in a year, you can judge

How long is it since he split up with their mother? That could make it more sensitive. I get him wanting to let them feel for a while longer that he will be at home for them whenever they need him, the way either he or their mother would have been most of the time when still together. Could be about wanting them to feel their relationship with him is really secure, especially the 15 year old? It might change when you've been seeing him for longer.

This is assuming he's not actually still married to someone and that's why he's never free!

He is a really good dad. I am not asking him to prioritise me over them, if they need him they should come first. What I am saying is that that he doesn’t know when they are coming or for how long and keeps things on hold just in case, that isn’t really fair to me. If he wants to be a good dad that’s fine but he also embarked on a relationship and relationships need time together to grow.

8 years.

Spending all the weekend from Weds or Thursday… I don’t think my request for one evening is unreasonable. But you’re right I shouldn’t see him if he can’t manage to see value in a relationship.