Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

He is showing you what your future relationship looks like. He will prioritise "The children" over everything else, including you. You will never be able to make any plans and will know that things are uncertain. This relationship is not for.

Great man, wrong timing.

I think it’s great he is prioritising his dc at the age they are at. But this probably won’t be the same in ten years.

In the meantime, all you have to say op is; I respect that you are prioritising your dc right now, but it’s not working for me atm, so please get back to me when you you are free to have a committed relationship, at which point I may, or may not, be available.

Yes he has told his children about me. He has had other relationships since he divorced 8 years ago after his wife left after meeting another man. He mentioned to me that one recent relationship ended as the person thought it was casual and started seeing other people.

Very good post. Having your weekends on hold is not acceptable OP. Although if he needs it spelling out to him .....

You are worryingly naive op. You seem to believe every single thing he says just because he says it.
if it’s true that his children - one who is an adult - know about you, then he would obviously be able to say to them ‘I can’t do Saturday night, I’m off to the cinema with Rosie, maybe Sunday afternoon?’
it doesn’t match up
its nice in a way to believe everything someone tells you, but if you are going to live life like that, you need to think about whether their actions match their words

‘Casual’ is all he’s prepared to offer. So that women was spot on.

Agree, think it's one of those "plausibly deniable" control things.

There's a lot of men who want to get a more casual relationship where they don't allocate time or resources to go on proper dates out.

They just want the woman coming over (or vice versa).

But they dress it up as a proper committed relationship to get the woman hooked.

The kids are probably perfectly fine if he gives them advance notice he's going out for the day or evening. Everyone has phones, I'm sure they don't feel rejected just because he's not waiting alone for them.

If the situation is that emotionally sensitive and he's worried, then he just shouldn't be dating, full stop.

But he somehow managed to get as far as the OP seeing him on his terms when he wants.

I agree. I have dated someone previously, incredibly indulgent with the children.

I guess he thought his previous relationship was ‘exclusive’, but the laissez -faire approach made her think it was less serious.

It’s definitely not wrong to arrange to ho to the pub to see a local band, and for children to fit around this.

I think someone up thread had it spot on, that he was so afraid of upsetting the applecart, and this being weaponised so he couldn’t see his children, and he hasn’t got out of this mindset now the children are older.

Unfortunately, I think this is correct

I agree. Was talking to some female friends. Basically there are women who want casual relationships but putting ‘serious relationship’ opens a far wider net. I think some men want to offer little but have a woman waiting in the wings for a bit of companionship and a bit of sex. But also don’t want that woman seeing other men.

A quite good trick I found on online dating is to stay on it with a blank profile even if you’re not looking.
there are very good looking men who have been on tinder for years with ‘looking for a relationship’ in their profile. There is no way they wouldn’t have found one yet if that was actually true.
but also there’s the guy like your one op. He might genuinely think it’s reasonable to be looking for a relationship whilst only offering up mon- weds yourself, which reeks of entitlement.

That's exactly the situation you are in. Value yourself more than this, start seeing other people and if you can be bothered seeing him mid week, do that too. Available penis is abundant, enjoy yourself on dates and not tie yourself down after a few weeks.

Well that's what he says...

Chances are he was only seeing her midweek as well, and she got fed up with his utter lack of commitment to a proper relationship and decided if she wasn't important enough for him, then she might as well go and find someone else.

To be fair, I actually thought he didn’t quite get it. How you label it seemed to matter more than the reality of the relationship.

I don't think it is necessarily that he wants to keep OP on a string. I have two good friends who are divorced dads of adult children.

There is no romantic relationship between us at all, and we usually only meet as a group with others. One will never confirm plans until he knows what DC plans are, and the other will cancel at any opportunity to see his DC.

It's not that 15yos like to hang out with their Dad (as PP says, they don't), it's that Dad can't "risk" not being available on the odd occasion they do want something from him.

In many cases these middle aged men have spent periods of time when it was difficult to see their children and/or the children hold resentment for them leaving the family etc. It's a completely different dynamic to a family with adult DC where the parents have stayed together.

They don't make good relationship material for anyone who wants their realtionship to be a big part of their life, but if you're in the middle aged dating pool your options are divorced but involved Dad, divorced but not involved Dad, or man who never had children. It's not brilliant out there, they all have big issues.

It's a completely different dynamic to a family with adult DC where the parents have stayed together.

@Poppystone I wish I had phrased my posts so neatly. This is is exactly what it is. When DSS was younger, DH was really intense about him, almost like he was pursuing him romantically. It was nothing like a normal father son relationship. DSS was completely on a pedestal. It was quite unhealthy.

I actually think the fact he is being a "good dad" is irrelevant to whether or not the op should continue in the relationship.
Relationships are meant to meet both parties needs and wants (with some give and take). This man is not willing to meet the op's normal desire to occasionally make a weekend plan with her boyfriend.

There's a weird attitude on Mumsnet that being a parent means that somehow partners need to accept anything that can be spun as in the children's best interests, even when it's to their own detriment.

Yes, from the outside when I see the way my freinds are with their DC, it's very like the way women sometimes behave trying to please a man who is breadcrumbing them.

If he has told his children about you I can't see why seeing you for a date one day on alternate weekends should be an issue.

Does he expect you to honour with other people at the weekend or sit indoors waiting for his call or messages

I Reckon he is wanting to keep it casual dating at times to suit him. Invite him to some weekend activities, say 3 different activities on 3 different weekends and if he turns them all down you know you are at best only no. 3 in his prioritirs.

A lot of MN thinks finding a man whose a good Dad is a lucky thing but it depends on whether the Op wants any DC, if not she's being asked to make do with a minimal relationship because that's all he's prepared to offer. The fact he doesn't even seem to have any male friends is quite strange, he's cut out everyone for his DC which doesn't sound very healthy for him or his DC.

i agree that it wasn’t clear if the op realised she was talking about her own situation when she wrote that post!

Isn't this exactly what the man you are seeing seems to want?

I like this idea…

Fair point !