Struggling with boyfriend keeping weekends free in case his children visit

[Rosiecidar]

So I have been dating a very wonderful man for about 2 months. He has two children who are 19 and 15 Officially they live with their mother and her partner but understandably they visit my bf when they please. The problem I have is that as much as I like him I am finding it really difficult as he won’t make firm plans between Thursday and Sunday evening in case his children decide to come over either together or separately for the weekend . He says he cannot go out. On one weekend the children were going out on their own on Saturday and he suggested meeting but would only confirm meeting me once they had physically left as he said he did not know when they would go. I find it really uncomfortable as he frames it as spending time with his children whereas I see it as managing time so they get to spend time together as a father and children unit and nurturing a relationship which he says he really wants. In two months we have not spent a whole day together. I think it’s a really good quality he is such an invested father, however I can’t see why he cannot tell his children he is spending Friday evening or Saturday evening with me now and then.he says it will change when school/university resumes but I can’t really see how it will as the key factor is the weekends when certainly the younger child can visit . I’m not sure what to do.

2 months dating isn't along. Maybe he needs more time to introduce you, or to mention your relationship to his adult children .some people do find it hard. Has he had other relationships since his divorce from their mother?
If he is that wonderful I'd tolerate it for a bit longer and then eventually ask him how he sees dating over weekends working out in the medium term. If you are always going to be no. 3 in his life, it's probably best to then call time on the relationship.

I would also add that if mum has a different partner, perhaps he has always been their "safe haven" away from that and he doesn't want to take that away or is concerned that his kids will stop dropping in if they think you might be there & he will lose his contact with them.

My kids definitely went to their dad's less when he became serious with his gf and I had to encourage him to set some specific times when they could see just him on his own in order to keep their visits going.

He was the opposite to your man though in that he prioritised her over his kids.
It took a while to find a good balance but it is possible.

I think dating a man with kids, even young teens/young adults, can be complicated at the best of times.
Do you have kids yourself?

This is very true. They are terrified of being out of favour with their children, so never develop any boundaries. There's a lot of guilt and fear in their behaviour, its hard to unpick and even harder to live with

I agree. I mean, it doesn’t matter whether the OP or anyone else thinks his setting aside of weekends for his children is irrational — it’s how he lives at the moment, and he’s unlikely to change it for someone he’s been dating for a matter of weeks.

Yes, the opposite is worse I think - dropping his kids because he has a new gf or the new gf being there 24/7 practically overnight which is what my kids' dad did.

There is a happy balance to be struck and it seems this dad has gone the other way and it's the new gf who is losing out rather than the kids.

Oh OP this is just ridiculous. He wants to see you on his terms and has to keep his weekends free just in case or expect you to do last minute dates? Is this what you want? No, it isn’t what any woman wants so end the relationship. You aren’t that desperate.

Given the ages of his children (and one of the 'children' is an adult) I think he is being unreasonable. If he wants to date and develop a relationship, he has to make some space in his life for it.

I'd be interested to know how much time he actually spends with the children at weekends, and if most of his weekends are spent hanging around on the off chance. In which case, more fool him.

Think about the character traits he is already showing you about himself (assuming he’s telling the truth which as other people have asserted, isn’t a given)

1. He prioritises his children = good
2. his children don’t have any manners = not good parenting
3. he wants completely what he wants in this relationship and isn’t prepared to consider at all what you want = very very bad

point 3 isn’t particularly unusual for men. A quick scroll on OLD on men’s profiles will show bloke after bloke detailing what they want in a woman, with very very few of them thinking about what they offer in return.

Where do you get "his children don't have any manners" from?
At two months in I am guessing (& hoping) they don't know about the OP yet so are just carrying on as they & dad always have. Dad has always been available for them to drop in as and when so they do.

The onus here is solely on him to speak to each party involved & make changes to this casual routine, I don't think it's necessarily the kids at fault.

After such a short time dating, this is him at his absolute best. It's pathetic.
Tell him the dating schedule doesn't work for you, all the best, byeeee.

Yes he was actively looking for a LTR. He doesn’t seem to have other friends and slots me into his time when his children haven’t indicated they might visit. He has told his children about me. I do wonder though how that fits in as I am not really sure that it’s a great example to them.

Absolutely, I don’t think it’s the children’s fault at all. And also that doesn’t have to change, I wouldn’t ask him to not be accessible for them but I would ask that an evening or afternoon is given to me during the time they stay.

Yes, he needs to just tell them he will be out on, say, Saturday night. I'm sure they can deal with that.

I would question if you are prepared for the effort & compromise it sounds like this is going to take with him though?
It doesn't sound like it's going to be easy.

Why not? I'm sure there are women out there who'd be happy to be only dating during the week rather than the weekend. Maybe they work weekends, maybe they've got their own kids at the weekends or find it easier to find a babysitter mid week.

You've only been dating a few weeks. The whole point of that period is to work out whether you're compatible or not. You've found out you're not compatible in this area, so just end it. He's not doing anything wrong by prioritising his kids, and he's let you know clearly that thats how a relationship with him would work. If that doesn't work for you, then just move on!

I have to agree really, it just sounds like two people wanting different things and with different views of what a LTR looks like.

he needs to just tell them he will be out on, say, Saturday night. I'm sure they can deal with that.

Well you'd think so .... !!

You've just embarked on a new relationship where things are exciting and fun, he makes you happy, you feel special, if this isn't true, it's better to walk away

I would wonder if a grown man can’t work it out, is there any hope.

I think in your position, I would talk to him and give him a chance to change things.

If he then makes you feel like he’s under duress or reluctant in any shape or form, I would finish it.

This is every weekend ? Why does he and his ex not have agreed times, holidays etc? This doesn't make sense. Is he scared of alienating his ex or children?

OP. Your relationship should entail this much effort or disappointment at this early stage. It's the time where he should be trying to impress you.

One one hand, I sympathise as to why you're unhappy with this, but the messaging is loud and clear - his children come first, and always will. You will always have to fit around them, not the other way around.

You are expecting to shoe horn yourself into the lives of children who have never asked you to be part of their family unit and for him to give up potentially valuable free time in favour of you. There's a selfishness to that I don't sympathise with. You may end up dating other men in future, but he's the only father they'll have.

This is exactly why I wouldn't want to date a parent. Just imagine the politics of who goes where on birthdays and Christmases.

The kids are late teens/aduls so it is quite common to not have a schedule anymore, the parent and child just agree on the time.

Seems to me like he's quite happy with his life just as it is, and only wants to put you into a midweek window when it is convenient for him.

Do any of his friends or family know he's seeing you, or is he keeping the relationship a secret from everybody else.

Good grief, selfishness? If I was saying ‘ I would like every Saturday to be ours’ that’s a bit much. To say ‘ I would like us to have a date at a weekend now and then’ that’s selfish? Many parents do have successful relationships.

But, bluntly, that would require you both to be quite serious about a relationship. You’ve only been dating him for eight weeks, and if he won’t see you between Thursday and Sunday, and most dates are a Tuesday or Wednesday night, you can’t have actually seen that much of him. Which makes this ‘early dating stage’, rather than a relationship. Which is not working for you.

@Rosiecidar I've read "The Rules", while a lot of it is sexist outdated nonsense, some rules are actually good, like not accepting a weekend date after wednesday. I think that expecting confirmations of dates few days in advances, refusing last minute plans and refusing to spend your weekends on hold are reasonable boundaries in a relationship. You would not accept this behaviour from your friends, would you? So my suggestion is that from now on you make your own plans and if he calls you less than 3 days in advance, you refuse (even if you genuinely have nothing to do). And see how things go from there. He only treats you how you allow him to treat you.
The cynic in me also thinks he's seeing other women or is married and keeps you on the back burner in case he has nothing else to do.