There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Oh it will be documented if this happens, don’t worry. It will be the harder times such as these where the kids aren’t well, where I feel the reality of parenting will actually kick in.

At least his current 'reality' is he has his mum, a second grown up right there to help him out. You don't have that; you're doing it all on your own and making it work on your days. You can calmly point that out to him, too, if he makes a fuss about having to deal with his own ill children on his scheduled days. Welcome to parenting; he doesn't just get the fun bits.

He'll have to start learning that 'home' is not always your home won't he, because they now have two homes.

Came to say this. They ARE Home when they are with him. Your home isn’t the default Home and his is the backup. He needs to fully understand that. There’s no bringing them ‘back’ to you when they are unwell. That’s the time he needs to fully step up to being a parent by nursing them through it. It will be very difficult for you to sit with your discomfort and let him raise his game @mummy917 . Each time he fails and you pick up the pieces for the sake of the children the more ‘incompetent’ he will become. Your work and financial independence will inevitably be impacted, and this will negatively impact your children in the long run.

Why would you not tell him now though re girl twin? I think that’s a little mean to not give him notice. Surely you should both give each other that courtesy?

the OP doesn’t want to tell him because he will use it as an excuse to avoid looking after his sick child, on his time.

Might get flamed, but I think he should be told now. I’d want notice, if it was me - and let’s face it, the last thing you want is a scene at his door/the upset of having to bring them back. He’d also have an excuse (no notice). Going forwards, you really don’t want a situation where he’s dropping them off with you and only telling you then that they’re sick. You both benefit from having notice. If he refuses to have them tomorrow, at least you’re off already and it’s all evidence for your mediation/potential court date.

For this exact reason. He has to step up and look after when they’re ill as well as when they’re perfectly fine. It wouldn’t have any impact on my time with them when they’re poorly as I would still want them with me regardless so it should be the same for him. I’m already struggling with the thought of having to send them to him when she hasn’t been well and feeling guilty about it, but he’s their dad, and I need to keep reminding myself of that; it’s not like they’re going to someone’s house they aren’t familiar with.

At the end of the day, if I don’t tell him now I look unreasonable but he hasn’t got a good 16 hours to find a reason why he all of a sudden can’t drop them in it. Or I tell him now and he doesn’t keep to his end of the agreement again. I’m really in a no win situation.

@mummy917
when you have a minute or so,

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5047669-i-need-helpcompletely-brokenseparating-from-husband?

this Mummy is 2 years and 2 months ' ahead ' of you, similar-ish situation except he didn't go for 50/50 and she ' only ' has 2 children.

Tell him now, via text so it’s in writing both the circumstances and his response. If he takes them, great, if he doesn’t it’s easy to prove. I’m sure I’d prefer to keep mine if sick too.

I’d rather keep them with me if a sickness bug is going to go through each of them too but then he also needs his time with them and the kids need that too. I suppose these are the difficult situations where it’s not easy to decide what to do for the best 🤷‍♀️

Ultimately you’re not the one letting them down. If he’s going to do that, it’s surely better he does it sooner than later before they get into a routine. It is down to him though. Does he value the time enough the them to take the bad with the good? He’ll know it would make him look bad too.

In your situation I’d probably tell him now but not offer to keep them, just be matter of fact about her being ill and needing to be home from nursery. Just say you are letting him know so he has time to arrange childcare. It’s up to him to come back to you with a solution and it will be interesting to see what he says or suggests.

I would tell him. Better for you to know in advance if he's not going to take them, and more evidence of not doing 50/50. Just don't let him take the healthy ones and leave you with the sickie! All or nothing.

That’s true actually, I could just say I’m giving him plenty of opportunity to arrange childcare for the next 2 days. She’s actually perked up a little bit now her 2nd dose of ibuprofen so I’m hoping it’s a very fleeting bug.

Definitely give him the chance to step up and navigate the situation, I can't imagine he'd respond well to feeling tricked

He doesn’t respond well to many situations if the information is coming from me 🤣

You're not wrong 😆

Well clearly you’ve arranged for your daughter to be ill specifically to inconvenience him 😂😂😂

And if he doesn’t respond well to having advance notice then next time he finds out at hand over

Well exactly, me and girl twin made a deal 🙄🤣

Actually, I wasn't thinking about her pulling out of helping, but more about his mum seeing first hand how self focused he is, because that will be impacting on her and she may either have a right go at him (and at the moment she does have that hold over him because he needs her help) or start insisting he pulls himself together,

But overall I suspect he's just winging it as he has no clue the level of thought and organisation that is involved.

But your little ones are so lucky they have you as their reliable permanent support. You are doing a great job, and it will get easier with time, as the wrinkles get sorted out.

In an ideal world personally, I don't think kids with tummy bugs should be shifting between houses. I don't think it's nice for the child and it's putting another adult at risk of infection.

But that needs to go both ways and have done give and take - so if they are sick at his house, they stay there until the 48, hours is up, and they potentially agree a time for the other parent to have them extra. Over years it should even out.

But it's probably too early for that with him, and he needs to realise that sick kids are his responsibility too.

Why would you not tell him now though re girl twin? I think that’s a little mean to not give him notice. Surely you should both give each other that courtesy?

I was also going to mention whether it’s good/not good to be moving children across homes when they’re unwell (and that applies to both parents - if they become ill in one home, do they stay there til they’re better)? This has been hotly debated in the past on MN