There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

It's still early days so of course all these 'firsts' will be painful and confusing so give yourself some grace. You may even find that your holiday and other upcoming events without him you'll enjoy even more because he's not there and you can find your own groove with the kids

I really hope we do find our own routine without him.

I’ll have that conversation about Friday drop offs and that it was him who wanted 10am for the reasons I’ve explained in previous comments but that he’s always had a reason so far to need to bring them home much earlier. Although it’ll not be something I’ll be bringing up before or on our holiday. It’ll be done when we are home and settled again.

Have followed this thread from the beginning.
I admire your strength and care for your children.
Soon be time for a new thread?
Keep going x

I hope you’re feeling a bit better this am @mummy917
Please enjoy your hols with the dcs.

Re the Friday, I think you need to remember you’ve been separated only furca month. It’s now tge school holiday. You’re just starting back at work.
Basically nothing is the ‘normal routine’ atm
Rather than insisting on things being a certain way, I’d emphasise that no one has got into a routine yet.
He is going on about dropping the dcs at school. Great. But he hasn’t had to do that yet. Or at least not with both of them. You might be picking up some Thursday night shifts too.
Id agree on a set arrangement re hours in September when things are more stable. Otherwise you might back yourself in a corner - like agreeing to have the dcs at 7.00am which won’t be possible every Friday am due to work.
Same with weekends - you were talking about doing bank work before. Will you do that again? What impact would it have on dropping off?

I think this is a good point. He may say he has every intention of doing the Friday runs when they are back at school, making it seem like you are being unnecessarily inflexible during the holidays (I don't think you are btw just cautious about giving him ammo to use against you).

It's really hard to pick the right battles. One of the key things is that he can't mess you around and have it affect your job. But trying to enforce a strict routine in the summer holidays when the real test is in September may be more effort than it's worth.

To me it feels so much longer than a month; I feel like I’ve been grieving this marriage for the last 4 months when he first said he didn’t know if he wanted to stay together.

I’ll probably pick up the odd bank shift if any come out on the days he has the kids.

And @mummy917 please remember, this isn’t a verbal conversation, it’s a WhatsApp. Remember, track and record it all on WhatsApp for future reference. You have no need to have a verbal conversation. There has to be no back and forth chat. Factual WhatsApp’s is the way forward and hopefully that will ease some of your apprehension that I’m sure you will feel ahead of raising it.

i do think the ‘so do you not want to do the school drop off’ kinda wording would be perfect. Make him say no. Pin him down. He’s a slippery slimy man trying to get out of his responsibilities. You are well rid 💐

Of course it's been longer than a month for you, emotionally. You started grieving the marriage the day he told you he didn't know if he wanted to stay together. Even though you may have had 'hope' something irrevocably changed within you that day and that's what started the grieving process. The grief may have became 'real' later, when you realized you didn't want him, but there was grief before then, you probably just didn't call it that.

I think if I ask him if he doesn’t want to do the school run, his response will be “yes, but…”. So he can make out like he’s not a prick but will still voice what he actually wants to do instead.

I look back at the way I behaved at the start of all this and I cringe. I was doing all the work to try and keep our family together, but I can see clear as day now, that it would never have been enough.

OP - I hope you are feeling better, everyone stays healthy and you all have a lovely holiday.

Just a quick note that this thread is coming to an end so you may want to start a new one soon. Xx

You weren't to know right at the beginning @mummy917 that he'd already made up his mind to leave, or just how much of a prick he was going to be.

It's natural that you wanted to try to keep your family together, for the sake of your four children.

You've come so far since then, and realised that there were issues in your relationship that YOU were unhappy about. You were carrying him for a long time.

It's still early days in your 'new normal' life, things will settle down. Just keep putting your DC first, as you always have, and you won't go far wrong.

💪💐💪

I just wish he’d been honest with me from the start and told me he had no real intention of staying with me. I wanted to keep our marriage going for me and him too as I still really loved him.

I definitely didn’t see at the time where some of our issues were, I believed him when he said things were my fault etc.

Ah I know it’s still early days, it just still stings sometimes when he seems so much further on than I am.

Thank you, I will make another thread now ☺️

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5561936-there-we-are-then-part-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

You believed him because he had been gaslighting you for years - you're a decent, honest person, it didn't cross your mind that he wasnt.
You probably put his behaviour down to stress (work, children, especially when the twins came along), and tried even harder to keep him happy. There must be some relief in not having to do that any more.
I really hope you all have a fun and relaxing holiday - put him and his petty game playing out of your mind for the week.

Thanks for the new thread, @mummy917 I hope you have a really lovely holiday and that everyone comes home happy and healthy. You deserve it.

If it’s all in writing you act like all the but just went whoosh past and reply ok so you don’t want to do the school run for your kids.

Oh my lovely....This is not showing him he's getting under your skin, this is you showing your children how respect works.... It starts with respecting yourself.

I'd send it without the swearing and capitals...

Don't think of it as being in a loop, think of it as walking down a spiral staircase from a castle turret. Sometimes you're on the side by the window, and everything's bright and positive, and you can see the world outside waiting for you. At other times, you're in shadow, and the gloom makes everything feel so much harder. But you keep pushing on, because you'll be back on the sunny side again soon, and every circuit takes you closer to the door at the bottom where you'll finally be free of his bullshit permanently. You've done so well in such a short period of time, don't beat yourself up for the occasional wobble.

'I know it’s still early days, it just still stings sometimes when he seems so much further on than I am.'

The thing is, he is further on because he walked away many months ago in his head. He's also proving to be not as committed to his lovely children as we would hope their parents would be, and that makes it harder because you're grieving on their behalf as well as grieving for your marriage.
Keep going, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and you'll find yourself in a better place emotionally. It's not a race to get over being married and that ending (although some people behave as though it is)!!!

This is a superb analogy