I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

[Verysad1978]

I didn’t believe it when I was told but it does get so much better. But there are cycles and stages and it isn’t linear.
Noone deserves to be with someone who doesn’t love them, value them, and appreciate them. In time you’ll almost certainly feel freer and happier. That probably sounds impossible now but it’s been my experience and so many others.
All I can advise is that you prioritise the basics. Get sleep, eat and exercise. Get out and walk. These basics will allow you to start moving on and healing.
Don’t start begging even if that’s tempting. Don’t play games. Try remain emotionally in control. Focus on one day at a time.

[Popetthetreehugger]

Time is what you need , while your head adjusts. If you haven’t already, get legal advice. You can do this , you will do this . It’s the right thing asking him to leave , how can you start healing with him muddying the waters? I was you many years ago . Mine were 5/3and 4 months . they are all successful adults with families of their own now . Make a list of what you need to do and what you want ( how to split children’s time ) to be honest, this is the time to get a good deal for you and your children, while your H is feeling sorry . This won’t last . It will soon be your fault, so get what you need while you can . My thoughts are with you . Lists are your friend , even one thing a day , it helps you feel in control when you feel like you’re spiralling.

[Mimrr]

Sorry OP. It’s a desperately difficult time but many in this board have been through this and can give the emotional and practical support you need.
He probably has someone else lined up. Standard. He won’t be thinking about you but only how he can get out and pursue his own wants. Now is the time to protect yourself. Put yourself and your children first.

[Menopants]

Believe me a couple of years down the line you will be so much happier. It’s a tough shift getting through the separation and divorce especially with small children. I would insist he leaves. Can he stay with his parents?

[Broken12]

Thanks all. I’m really trying to function and make myself eat but I just have no appetite. I have a great support network and know I can do the single mom work as I do most of it anyway but I don’t want to. I want him to realise what he’s throwing away. He reckons he’s not built for this life and needs to be single. The one person I thought would never hurt me is destroying me.

its a minefield knowing where to start. House is mortgage, I cannot afford it alone. Moving means probably changing schools mid year (oldest due to start sept) and really don’t want to do that to her. My mind is just all over the place

[Broken12]

@Menopants

Believe me a couple of years down the line you will be so much happier. It’s a tough shift getting through the separation and divorce especially with small children. I would insist he leaves. Can he stay with his parents?

His parents are separated and that all went happily so I think that’s what he has in is head divorce is like. His parents don’t live anywhere near x

[airforsharon]

Sending love. I'm in the early stages of divorce, after over 20 years of marriage and being told out of the blue 'd'h wanted "more". He admits we had a really good relationship - and several dcs - but it wasn't enough. Turns out he'd been OLD for a year, and has been seeing someone else for 6 months. I feel like a complete fool, had no idea.

Have gone from feeling destroyed and barely able to function to "how fucking dare you!" fury and strength. As a PP said, it's not linear. It's brutal, but you will survive.

He really should, as the one instigating this, give you space & respect and move out, to family or a rental place. My soon to be ex did, and it helped hugely.

Also see a solicitor. He may go down the 'no need to involve legals, we can sort it out ourselves' route, but when you've been blindsided i think it's important not to take anything he says/wants at face value. Get proper advice & ensure you and dcs are protected. It's not about 'stitching him up', but ensuring absolute fairness.

[Rania78]

He “realised he wants to be single”? Really? After two kids?

So, 1. Insist on him leaving the house. And continue paying the mortgage. He owes it to his kids 2. Ensure you have 50-50 custody. He is not going to get away leaving the “single life” while you raise two very young children 3. Focus on you and f@ck him. The dork has definitely someone else lined up. Don’t make it easy for him.

[Broken12]

@airforsharon

Sending love. I'm in the early stages of divorce, after over 20 years of marriage and being told out of the blue 'd'h wanted "more". He admits we had a really good relationship - and several dcs - but it wasn't enough. Turns out he'd been OLD for a year, and has been seeing someone else for 6 months. I feel like a complete fool, had no idea.

Have gone from feeling destroyed and barely able to function to "how fucking dare you!" fury and strength. As a PP said, it's not linear. It's brutal, but you will survive.

He really should, as the one instigating this, give you space & respect and move out, to family or a rental place. My soon to be ex did, and it helped hugely.

Also see a solicitor. He may go down the 'no need to involve legals, we can sort it out ourselves' route, but when you've been blindsided i think it's important not to take anything he says/wants at face value. Get proper advice & ensure you and dcs are protected. It's not about 'stitching him up', but ensuring absolute fairness.

Thank you. I’m at the angry stage now. He keeps saying he doesn’t know why he can’t just be in love with me, he wishes he could but he just doesn’t feel it anymore.

do you have any recommendations for a solicitor?

[Broken12]

@Rania78

He “realised he wants to be single”? Really? After two kids?

So, 1. Insist on him leaving the house. And continue paying the mortgage. He owes it to his kids 2. Ensure you have 50-50 custody. He is not going to get away leaving the “single life” while you raise two very young children 3. Focus on you and f@ck him. The dork has definitely someone else lined up. Don’t make it easy for him.

He won’t leave. At first he said he’ll do whatever I want but is now refusing. Saying it’s not fair if he ends up in some gritty flat. He should have thought about that first! He’s puts over a grand a month into a private pension as we planned to retire at 50 so I’ve told him he’ll have to stop that but apparently that’s not fair 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t know who he is anymore

[Shouldbedoing]

You definitely need legal advice
That pension is a marital asset!
He won't like discovering that!

[Elektra1]

You're in the "shock and awe" phase. It's devastating, I'm so sorry. I was in the same position a year ago, except in mine it was an affair and STBX moved out and in with the affair partner (who was also married with kids) immediately. Then they introduced all the kids to this situation within weeks. I couldn't eat, lost 3 stone, made a mess of my work, and generally fell apart.

You will be angry, so, so sad, desperate for him to change his mind. He may become horrible, cold and hard towards you. His family may go cold on you. Whatever happens, just accept that your feelings are normal and you have to ride this wave. It does get better.

Nearly a year on, I am almost divorced and sometimes I can look at STBX and feel not much at all. Other nights I still have a little cry. It's a form of bereavement, of grief. It doesn't go away but you learn to live with it and gradually you will start to see the shape of a new life emerging.

It's not your job to make someone love you, so let him go, and focus on yourself and your little ones. I have found therapy really helpful. I also have a great solicitor whose details I'm happy to share if you'd like to DM me.

Be very gentle with yourself, as you would with a friend in this situation.

[Chocolateorange11]

You will be able to access a share of that £1k a month pension.

Can you look at separating your lives as much as possible. If he won't move out, separate bedrooms, wash baskets, meals etc. Get a schedule for the DCs. Whatever you think will be practical going forward. eg. Wednesday overnight and every other weekend or 50:50. Make yourself unavailable on his 'time' go out for lunches, visit family and friends, take a day trip. Or even take time to feel, grieve for all you have lost etc. You don't need to talk to him about anything but the children. Install firm boundaries he needs to food shop, cook, do washing etc on his time with the kids.

[Rania78]

@Broken12

He won’t leave. At first he said he’ll do whatever I want but is now refusing. Saying it’s not fair if he ends up in some gritty flat. He should have thought about that first! He’s puts over a grand a month into a private pension as we planned to retire at 50 so I’ve told him he’ll have to stop that but apparently that’s not fair 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t know who he is anymore

Can’t you get a consent order to get him out of the house? I m sorry but he chose that. He has to leave.

[KnackeredBack]

You can't insist on him moving out as the house is owned by both of you/marital asset. As the poster above said, just try to separate what you can in the house and then try to only speak on issues re: DC or practical items.

My Dsis now ExH decided that he 'wasn't sure he felt the same' and hence they had a break (him out of the house) for 6 months. Then he came back to try again, then he said he wanted to split but didn't want a divorce (basically because his pension was huge as he planned to stop work at 50 and didn't want to share it - he'd obviously had legal advice on the chances of him keeping everything from his 25 year marriage). My Dsis told him to jog on and he refused to move out until the divorce was finalised. He'd done all of this through his DSs GCSE's and A levels, as he 'couldn't wait'. When asked if there was someone else, he denied. Once the divorce was finalised, he moved out and suddenly had a serious GF....amazing how he met her so quickly after the divorce!

[airforsharon]

I completely get the not recognising who he is any more and thinking - before the shit hit the fan - that he was the one person who'd never hurt you. That was me, absolutely. I'm still stunned by the whole thing.

Re solicitor recommendations - I just rang a solicitors in town who do matrimonal matters (check websites to see which services they offer) and arranged an initial appointment. I did have to pay (some offer a free 30 mins but not all) but it was money well spent - we covered a lot of ground in the time and she got everything up and running. I also liked her straight away and felt she really understood what had happened and what help i would need. So i think it's a case of try one for size, and see if you 'click'. Good luck!

[airforsharon]

@Elektra1

You're in the "shock and awe" phase. It's devastating, I'm so sorry. I was in the same position a year ago, except in mine it was an affair and STBX moved out and in with the affair partner (who was also married with kids) immediately. Then they introduced all the kids to this situation within weeks. I couldn't eat, lost 3 stone, made a mess of my work, and generally fell apart.

You will be angry, so, so sad, desperate for him to change his mind. He may become horrible, cold and hard towards you. His family may go cold on you. Whatever happens, just accept that your feelings are normal and you have to ride this wave. It does get better.

Nearly a year on, I am almost divorced and sometimes I can look at STBX and feel not much at all. Other nights I still have a little cry. It's a form of bereavement, of grief. It doesn't go away but you learn to live with it and gradually you will start to see the shape of a new life emerging.

It's not your job to make someone love you, so let him go, and focus on yourself and your little ones. I have found therapy really helpful. I also have a great solicitor whose details I'm happy to share if you'd like to DM me.

Be very gentle with yourself, as you would with a friend in this situation.

This is such a good post, from someone further along in the process. I hope i can eventually reach your level of calm @Elektra1 I'm still in the 'fantasising about nailing his balls to his front door' stage i think :/

[Farahfawsett]

Get legal advice and quickly.

Currently your H wants all the perks of married life; living in the family home, living with his children, keeping his pension, aiming to retire at 50 etc, whilst he says he wants a single life.

Reality is that single life for him probably does mean living in a flat, and it doesn't have to be grotty - if he cleans it.

It does mean splitting any equity in the house and his pension with you, possibly with you getting a higher percentage if you're the main carer for the DC.

It does mean him living separately from you and your DC, and doing his own laundry and housework and looking after the children on his own and not retiring until probably a decade or so later (unless he has a rich girlfriend) as splitting the pension pot and living separately is much more expensive than halving those costs with your spouse.

Get all the facts and figures in front of you and ask for a divorce, be proactive. It will help you mentally, and possibly financially, to get this process started sooner rather than later.

Don't let him force you to live in the grey area of uncertainty, it's black and white, he's either married to you and lives with you or you're divorcing and off to the (potentially) grotty flat he goes.

[Elektra1]

Not sure I'd describe myself as calm about it! But I've accepted it. I was very in love with STBX and right up until the split, believed that to be mutual, so it was such a shock. Rug well and truly pulled from under the feet. I've come to accept that the deep love and mutual loyalty I thought I had in my marriage, I didn't have, because if it had been there then STBX could never have treated me like that.

It's made me question everything, and it's difficult to imagine trusting anyone else enough to form a long-lasting relationship again. But that's quite depressing so I try to focus on the closer horizons: moving house, improving my work performance, maybe starting some new hobby or activity I haven't done before.

On the plus side the past year has shown me what incredible friends and family I have. They have propped me up and put me back together. I'd encourage anyone in this situation to draw on that support. And get therapy!

[Mrsttcno1]

@Rania78

He “realised he wants to be single”? Really? After two kids?

So, 1. Insist on him leaving the house. And continue paying the mortgage. He owes it to his kids 2. Ensure you have 50-50 custody. He is not going to get away leaving the “single life” while you raise two very young children 3. Focus on you and f@ck him. The dork has definitely someone else lined up. Don’t make it easy for him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but please be very very careful what “advice” you take from this thread. I’m sure this poster means well, but some of this is such incredibly bad advice it’s unreal.

Point 1- You cannot insist on him leaving the house, and you definitely cannot insist on him leaving and then continuing to pay the mortgage. You need to be very careful how you push this, as much as it feels unfair, he absolutely does not legally “owe it to his kids”. If you push the “we are separated” route then actually all he HAS to give you is a child maintenance figure, if you push him to move out then he does not have to pay half of the mortgage, bills etc, he can go after you for occupational rent (as you will be the one living there, so you would be paying the full mortgage) and you have already said you cannot afford the house alone. So absolutely do not push him to move out because actually if he does then he could very easily turn round and say “no problem, here’s your £200 child maintenance and that’s all you get, good luck funding that house”. If he wants to live the “single life” then he’s quickly going to realise that is expensive and so it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he does exactly this and gives the bare minimum, he would legally be within his rights to do that, so unless you are capable and prepared to pay for the house alone you need to tread very carefully with asking him to leave.

Point 2- Push for 50/50 if you want to, but bare in mind that you cannot actually “ensure” you get 50/50. If he says he doesn’t want 50/50 and only wants to see them every other weekend, nobody, not even a court, will force him to have them any more than that. This poster is entirely incorrect in suggesting you are capable of “ensuring” anything re. Contact, because actually he could turn up in court and say he wants 1 day a week and the court will say “okay, no problem”. Also worth noting that with 50/50 (if he wanted that), you’d likely not then be entitled to CMS. Can you afford not to get that? Make sure you look at these things properly.

The only good advice from this post is point 3- you absolutely should focus on yourself & remember you will get past this! X

[Broken12]

Thank you all so much. I’m sorry to hear others have gone through similar. I just don’t understand him and how his mind can completely change like this. I feel like We’ve had a difficult few years and he’s just given up.

Those who have had legal advice…can you tell me roughly what it cost? I’ve ready stories about it costing thousands?

[Broken12]

Re custody I don’t know what I want. He suggested minimum every other weekend. On one half I was happy with that as the thought of not being them is unbearable but then the other side j was angry…does he think he can only see his kids 48 days a year and I’ll be doing all the school runs and hard times etc.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

He reckons he’s not built for this life and needs to be single

What a jerk.

[Elektra1]

@Mrsttcno1's post: while it's true he could stop paying the mortgage or his share of it, he'd be a fool to do so as if you can't pay it all, the mortgage goes into arrears and possibly your house is repossessed, meaning that he (and you) would then find it very difficult to get another mortgage to buy your own homes post-divorce.

You need legal advice pronto so that you can make proposals to him as to how you will run your lives, childcare and finances during your separation.

[millymollymoomoo]

You will go through multiple phases of emotions

wanting to leave doesnt automatically make him a terrible person. He cant force feelings.

as others have said you cant force him out of the house

ultimately legal advice is good, but also is talking, discussing and giving some time to allow raw emotions to subside. You dont want to rush headlong into combative approach ( which does not mean give in btw)

tiu need to think about

What are both earnings
what are childcare costs
what will access look like ( some level of flexibility always beneficial)
where will you both live ( so both are adequately housed)
you most likely won’t be able to keep the house if you cannot take on the mortgage and bills alone, allowing him also to be housed adequately
your housing needs are the same

ultimately you’ll need to understand what assets you have ( equity, pensions, etc) and negotiate a fair split ( can be more or less than 50%) along with cms due.