There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

He will tell you to keep GTwin, because you dont have to work “so it makes no difference to you”.
You need to decide before you message him what your response is.
Ex. “Well there we are then, 50/50 only applies when everyone is well ? I obviously could keep GTwin, ( but you have the others) as I am not working until next week, but after that you will need a back up plan, like use your holiday or pay a childminder. Because I am not forfeiting my holiday to cover your days …

or, “No, that doesn't work for me”

You tell him because it’s the right thing to do, because, if he’s going to be housebound with sick kids/need to take time off, he can plan accordingly. If, as I think most of us expect, he comes back with a request/demand that you keep the sick twin/them all, you just say, ‘I’m telling you to give you a heads up so you can make plans/get your shopping in now, not so that you can shirk your responsibilities. We’ve agreed 50/50 of all parenting, not 50/50 of parenting then when they’re well. I’ll drop them as arranged.’

Thank you all, definitely think telling him is the right way to go for the reasons you have all outlined. I feel awful for sending them but also, if this had happened in a week’s time, I’d have no choice because I’m back to work a week tomorrow and I doubt they’d take kindly to me asking to rearrange my phased return 🤦‍♀️

I would tell him now as a ‘just giving you a heads up that she cannot go to nursery ‘ , if he then declines to take her don’t let him take any of them , it’s all or nothing not just taking healthy children .

I disagree about telling him. Any one of your DCs could become ill half an hour after he picked them up. He’d have no notice about it. Given that he is very likely to refuse to have them if you give him notice, I’d stick your original plan.

@MachineBee totally different scenario if they get ill on his watch

OP can model the consideration that it would be nice to have between them, working together as co-parents. In the first instance like this, I think it’s fair to do, personally. If he’s a dick and doesn’t give OP the heads up in future instances from his end, then OP can do different moving forwards.

Giving him the heads up so he can make arrangements is fair I think.

How Twatooo responds or handles it is up to him.

KNOB though, so defo in writing!!

Sadly it probably would be, he’s not known for his consideration for others….

Statutory time off for family and dependents is only for sudden emergencies not something known about in advance. So if he is warned in advance that may limit his options to take that kind of leave for childcare.

But that's his problem to sort out, isn't it? Just as @mummy917 needs to have a Plan B for childcare issues, so does Twatoo.

Remain matter-of-fact in your messaging.

This is the reality of him being the 50/50 parent.

Tell him he will need ibuprofen / Calpol / potty / basic shit that he probably doesn't usually have to deal with. (You have always been child-centric in your decision-making and in the way you are handling everything.)

You're doing brilliantly.

But she can’t tell him as he’ll say she’s controlling

I would tell him, yes he may try to worm out of it, but it's the right thing to do. Just deal with the worming when it happens! The other way around it would help you to have a heads up, it's what would happen in a good co parenting relationship. And it's not a case of doing it for him, you don't need to tell him everything he needs to have in, just that his child is unwell.

I agree with PP, tell him in advance, because him kicking off and arguing over a poorly girl on the doorstep won't be in her interests.

Keep it factual, re: what she has, and that you've informed the nursery that she can't go back for x days. He doesn't need telling what he needs to get in, he can figure it out himself, he has a working brain (allegedly).

Log his response, because it's unlikely to be thanking you for letting him know and he'll keep a close eye on her...

I’ve let him know that she’s still unwell, she only perked up for a short time before vomiting again 😩 he has said he will pop to Tesco tonight to get the stuff he needs for her or any of the others if they catch it too. I’m sure I just saw a pig flying past my window…🤣

In all seriousness though, I’m glad I gave him a heads up and he has seemed thankful he’s aware ahead of time too. It’s the courtesy I would like from him if the roles were reversed, so I’m taking this one as a win up to now!

I honestly wouldn't try to drive a vomiting child anywhere tomorrow if it's avoidable, even to try to establish a precedent or to keep the children together. If she's very unwell, could he collect the others?

Wow what an unexpected response from twatoo! Hopefully that sets your mind a little bit at ease now

I’m going to see how she is overnight and let him know in the morning, but he’s said he’s fine to pick up the other 3.

Oh ! He could have bought potties at the same time. If only he had thought of it...

So, after telling you that you need to do what you are comfortable with, etc., and ignore advice that's different...

I think you need to tell him. Make it clear that it's a courtesy text so that he has time to make arrangements that you still expect handover to take place at the scheduled time.

He might do as we all expect and refuse to have them, but it will be documented. He might surprise you and make no fuss. But this is a long game and if you get the short term win it could make things harder later.

Squeaky clean.

Sorry! X-posted with you (well, typed a post, got distracted with dinner prep and didn't refresh the page before hitting post. Details...) But I'm glad you've told him.

She;ll be fine; giver her a plastic bag for the car trip.

No different then sending children home from schools with vomiting bugs ... which we do regularly

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL, she's only a few years older than me and suddenly all this. I bet if she tries to step back from childcare, he'll make a huge fuss.
Although perhaps she created the monster by pandering too much to him.

But surely he should be taking all four? Why should you be left to care for the poorly one? I know that you will want that, but it's his job.

I think that if you're not actually at work yet, you should consider keeping the sick child with you. I don't think the move from one house to another will do her any good and she can have one to one care from you.

This is an exceptional circumstance, where you might consider being flexible, as you may need to call in a favour from him in the future.