There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Thank you for the link 😊

Hi OP, just to say I’ve been lurking for a while (since the very first thread) and you’ve done amazingly well. I keep being reminded of the oxygen mask analogy, where you need to look after yourself in order to look after your kids. I don’t think you’re failing them by letting There We Are Then have to parent. Yes the kids might very temporarily go without, but he will have to sort it out. Just manage your 50% and don’t worry about him. I would say to avoid giving him anything when you swap, unless you don’t plan on getting it back. Very much meet his energy with stuff and don’t engage.

i remember my sisters ex saying why should he buy clothes for his son when he visits hes got enough clothes

these men are pathetic

How is the potty training going @mummy917 ?

Here we are then.
Hang in there, OP. You’ve been clear sighted from the get go.

Here’s the twat song from part one link again.

https://voca.ro/1g926q4OPK5r

And just incase anyone’s interested, I’m working on releasing some more music to stream :) (Diva based of course!) 💿 💿 💿 Will focus largely on themes and issues often discussed on mumsnet.

The instagram is here to keep updated (Or just drop me a message via private message and I’ll keep ya posted).

instagram.com/ceceandthevipers/

Aiming to have the first song out this weekend coming :)

Don't reply to me here so as not to fill up ops thread xx

You’re doing amazing! You don’t need him, you’ll quickly realise how much easier life is without him around!

@mummy917

Thank you for starting a new thread. I think all of us want to keep supporting you on your journey even if it seems that our support isn't always what you want to hear (and I include myself in that).

This is just a point to ponder. You say you pick up the slack because if he doesn't step up as a father the children won't have 'what they need'. But ask yourself, what is the worst that will happen if you stop? Will they truly suffer from the lack of whatever it is or will it just be an inconvenience? Obviously, if he isn't feeding them or giving them needed medications, that's one thing. But, for example, a lack of potties doesn't make them 'suffer', it just delays potty training a few days. This makes things harder for you, but I think the twins aren't going to 'suffer' for it. Do you see what I'm getting at? He is never going to learn if you keep bailing him out. You've stood strong on many things with him. You can stand strong on this, too. And chances are if you refuse to 'bail him out', chances are his mum will. But that's fine, because her doing so doesn't affect you.

See the thing is they are so incompetent that we wind up having to do everything. And then they paint that as controlling.

But it’s conditioning really. And yeah some of it we need to shake but when it comes to things like him keeping the things we need etc… I mean what else can we do but pull them up on it :/

Rock…Hard place.

I agree with this. There is no need to hand him post or remind him again to change his address, that is for him to sort out. He knows that so he doesn't need a reminder and it's not something that involves the kids so I would just put any post back in the postbox with 'not at this address, return to sender' on it and not even mention it to him.

Thank you for the new thread OP

Thanks for the new thread x

Thanks for the new thread @mummy917 . We are all behind you.

I was thinking this too, in all honesty.

No you’re absolutely right and I am honestly doing my best to get to that point. I’m sure I will eventually but it’s a hard habit to break. One I’m working on daily nevertheless 😊

I think once you are back at work @mummy917 you will naturally find that you have less time and picking up the pieces for twats failings will be the first thing to go .

Thankyou for the new thread OP

It certainly is!! And I hold my hand up to trying to do the same thing with esDH. Very different circumstances as I've mentioned before. But when he calls me and says "I need you to go get this for me" or "You need to do that for me" I still (after a year) find myself having to fight the instinct to 'pick up his slack' and just do it. Because I always did! And because I don't like the guilt trips he tries to put me on. If I hear him whining 'for better or worse' when I say no one more time.......

I think it's just a matter of gritting your teeth and doing it 'the first time' no matter what you think the fallout will be. I'm finding that it does tend to get easier after that.

It's one of the hardest habits to break when you've been so used to being the responsible parent and carrying the mental load. But you need to do it and do it before it becomes the norm for him to - post break up - continue to rely on you to make up for his own lack of responsibility.

Every thing you do for him means he can spend more time with his new woman.

Thanks for the new thread OP. You are continuing to go from strength to strength, and you should have faith in your own judgement as it has proved to be excellent in very trying circumstances. Be true to yourself.

My mantra to XH’s idiot requests/expectations is ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ or ‘No’ for short. But if agreeing happens to work for me, ‘OK’. It’s about you!

OP what I think really shines through in your posts is what a kind and caring person you are. You’ve faced this whole separation with dignity and kept the children’s needs at the forefront of all your decisions. You should be very proud of yourself.

How is potty training going? Did the twins cope well with it at Nursery?

Potty training is going well 😊 yes they carried it on at nursery and said they were a bit unsure at first but then got into their groove.

Thank you for all your kind words, it isn’t always easy but I’m hoping in the not too distant future I will feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so pleased it’s going well. I expect they are really proud of themselves too.

Like others have said, I imagine in someways going back to work will really be a positive turning point for you.

I really hope so. I think it’ll really help to establish a proper routine for us all and will give me the feeling of normality again I hope.