There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I’m sure it will, it gives the children time to adjust over the holidays too. Is it next week you start back again?

Thank you for the new thread @mummy917. We remain your ardent supporters.

Yeah next week. I’m really looking forward to it. I have so many good friends at work too and being around them will keep my spirits up 😊

Thank you @Tilluna! I am very grateful for every one of your support and advice, it’s been invaluable 😊

Glad potty training is going well

Well done on being so resilient

Early early days...everything will eventually sort itself out.. he will have to pay late fees or sort out his post. Then that's one more thing sorted. The twins will be asking him for a potty soon and then they will eventually be trained.

You'll get there with all of this and each hurdle cleared will make the next one feel a bit easier.

And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if one day soon, his mum - so keen to support at first - may be now seeing close up how lazy and thoughtless, he is and starting to feel fed up with how he expects her to pick up so much of the slack whilst he's admiring his new twatoos and organising his haircuts but not organising his time with his children.

Yeah I’m sure everything will work itself out, it’s just giving it that time.

Time will tell in regards to his mum but he will be up shit creek if she does drop him in it during the week. Finding childcare for one child is hard enough so him finding it for 2 days if she drops him in it, will be really challenging.

As long as you stand firm when that happens! You're doing great, @mummy917 , every interaction with him you are getting stronger and building your resilience against him.

How old is his Mum ? She will be doing this for at least 10 years, or he will need to find a replacement woman.
Realistically he wont want this “palaver” forever.
As pp said, let him fail, let him flounder, he should learn what you had to carry, & wrapping him in cotton wool just creates a false image to the DC,
Being flexible is for serious child based reasons, not because he wants to go to a barber/tattoo aptmt/football match/other
If for example, he wants to swop days to go on a stag 5 day bender, he needs to reciprocate if you want to go on holiday, /other…or pay for child minding if his mother won’t.

He wanted this, He actively chose it.
If he finds it hard… “oh dear” “TWAT”

I’m just wondering now what happens if he succumbs to a bout of flu and so can’t possibly take the kids. What’s the pre-prepared response for this? It’s bound to happen at some stage.

(I’ll be honest, I’m also anticipating difficulties when you go back to work too)

His mum is 60 next year but has had a few physical health problems over the last few years.

I have a poorly girl twin today, she’s got a sickness bug so is off nursery and his face tomorrow when I tell him she won’t be able to go to nursery until she’s 48 hours clear, will be a picture.

I have already thought about him potentially dropping me in it if he’s poorly and that’s where his mum will need to step in as there’ll be days where it’s his time, that I’ll be working.

I agree with this poster @mummy917 I hope you have given some thought and have a backup for when he drops you in it, when you return to work. I will be surprised if that all goes smoothly and to plan

I don’t doubt that at some point I’ll have to be taking some unpaid parental leave for those occasions.

@mummy917
When you go back to work, you need emergency child care lined up.
He is not your childcare.
Because sooner or later he will let you down and refuse to have the kids on his days (e.g. supposed "flu" or whatever), then you will be in the sh*t with your employer. I know you have a flexible working arrangement but how far will you risk pushing that?
So get a friend or neighbour or grandparent lined up now.

Of course, when the 50/50 arrangement collapses (as we all expect it to), or eventually you win in court to have more nights, you will need permanent professional childcare.

(cross posted)

Make sure nursery know when she should be off until or he might try to drop her off as normal anyway

Is it safe to assume he’s never really been impacted when the kids have been unwell or had to take leave himself? He’s going to get a shock. How unfortunate.

My parents will help out where they can as well as using unpaid parental leave. I will look into extra childcare down the line for the twins if necessary as the nursery is already full. If it goes down the court route and I end up with more nights, childcare around my job will be my number 1 priority.

I’ve made her key worker aware that her last episode of sickness was literally only an hour ago so they know not to expect her for the next 2 days.

Sort of. He’s used 2 parental days once when I was at work (nightshift) and his mum didn’t turn up on the morning to watch the kids, and a second time where I was poorly and spent 2 days in bed. Every other time has been me taking leave or luckily being able to use a last minute annual leave if work were well staffed (a rarity 🤣).

I hope you get to the point where he realises he needs to parent properly and stops point scoring. Then you can at least you be civil and support one another if either of you are ill. I realise now my DH and his ex actually had a very workable 50:50 arrangement even though they never became friends. What hard work this is for you at the moment, @mummy917 - you must get emotionally exhausted trying to make him step up.

He’s going to have fun if the rest of the kids go down with that bug on his watch 🙈

I really hope that too @Frillysweetpea for the sake of the kids and my sanity if nothing else!

I don’t think I’ve had a great deal of time to really stop and think about it, aside from the last weekend he had them 2 weeks ago and I think that’s partly why I was so upset, because I finally had some quiet time where I was able to sit and go over things in my mind.

@Lizchapman I know, I have thought the same. I’m half expecting him to say he needs to bring them home if any of the others come down with it.

When is handover this week? End of day or beginning? Because if you think his gut reaction will be to not have them over the sickness bug, I would wait until handover when they're in his car or whatever to tell him he'll have to arrange to work from home or take a personal day as she can't go into nursery due to the 48 rule.

"I’m half expecting him to say he needs to bring them home if any of the others come down with it."
@mummy917 - if this happens, you will definitely need to document it as it would demonstrate his complete inability to do 50:50, and makes it very clear that the only reason he is demanding 50:50 is to avoid having to pay maintenance for his own children, not to be a properly responsible parent. There We Are Then.

It’s first thing in the morning as I wanted them in the early morning routine ready for me returning to work next week and I’ll be dropping them off at just after 6am but tomorrow it will be 7am or thereabouts. I plan on telling him when I’m doing the handover and his mum will more than likely do the childcare on Thursday too. Otherwise he will have to take leave from work. I’ll be responsible for sorting out situations like this on my days with them, just as he will be on his. Luckily for me, my flexible working agreement means I’ll always be off if they’re ever poorly on my days.