A lot of people think, "How could anyone be that stupid?" but a lot of people are, me included. I was married for 12 years to someone who serially cheated, lied and manipulated. Looking back now, some of the things I accepted seem unbelievable. But that's the thing about gaslighting. It doesn't happen overnight.
It's the classic boiling frog analogy. If someone treated you terribly on day one, you'd leave. Instead, it happens gradually, over years. Your confidence is chipped away bit by bit, your sense of what is normal shifts, and eventually you stop trusting your own judgement.
I can remember finding an invoice for a hotel room abroad. It was a double room, with two meals ordered through room service. When I questioned it, I was told the hotel only accepted bookings for double rooms with meals included. Even as I was hearing it, part of me knew it didn't make sense. But after years of being told I was wrong, overreacting or imagining things, I accepted the explanation.
There was much more than that. I was repeatedly told I wouldn't cope on my own. My access to friends, family and finances became increasingly restricted. Not in a dramatic, obvious way, but slowly, over a long period of time.
What makes it harder for people to understand is that, on paper, I was the last person you'd expect it to happen to. I'm an Executive Director, successful in my career, perfectly capable of looking after myself. But abuse doesn't discriminate. Being competent at work doesn't make you immune to someone systematically undermining your confidence at home. When he eventually left me for someone else, I genuinely thought my world had ended. In reality, after a few weeks of panic and heartbreak, I recovered surprisingly quickly. Since then I've been happier, more successful and more confident than I've ever been.
So whenever I see people asking why someone doesn't just leave, or how they could possibly believe such obvious lies, I think it's important to understand that gaslighting can fundamentally alter how you see yourself and the world around you. If you haven't experienced it, it's very difficult to appreciate just how powerful it can be.