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Relationships

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Found sex toys in husbands bag

224 replies

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 17:53

I think I know what people are going to say, but I have no one else to talk to about this.
a couple of days ago, I found some sex toys, lube and a blindfold in my husbands bag. Yes, I was snooping. I have a history of not trusting him- he had an affair 14 years ago, and my spidey senses have always been on high alert. I was finding his viagra was going missing, and alarm bells tarted ringing. He had to go away for the night due to work, so before he packed his clothes, I checked his bag and have found the stuff. He has not liked me looking through his stuff before and gets really annoyed with me (and takes the moral high ground) if he thinks I’ve gone through his stuff- which I don’t do often. So, I don’t tell him that I saw all these things. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair. He said no. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no. He asked me where all the questions had come from and I just said that I ‘had a feeling’ as viagra was going missing. I got some crap about it being in another room. He seems to think that I’m feeling neglected and says that he wants to spend more time with me and that we should do more things without the kids etc. But this is not the case. He’s not home til late tonight, but I think I’m going to have to come clean and tell him that I looked in his bag, and give him a chance to explain. I’m so confused and upset. We never get a chance to talk properly because he works late or we have the kids around. I want to speak frankly tonight, but I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to. I think I’m going to go mad if I hold all this in though.

OP posts:
PassMeTheCookies · 15/07/2026 10:18

He is gaslighting you. Those lemon clit toys are around £60. He hasn’t just thrown it away. He’s used them with whoever he was with and given the toys to them to keep hold of.

Victorius19 · 15/07/2026 10:29

This is what happens when you forgive the first time round.

It's a green light to walk all over you whenever he feels like it.

Calliopespa · 15/07/2026 10:29

AAH! That makes total sense Op.

Obviously he was too shy to ask if you might like them, and he was also almost certainly throwing his viagra away bit by bit because he thought you'd have no use for that either.

We all see clearly now.

ETA putting aside the fact of how insulting it is he has done this, it is almost equally insulting he thinks you are going to believe that explanation OP.

HelpMeNavigateThisPlease · 15/07/2026 10:30

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

He is absolutely lying to you.

I am sorry @BugseyMalone

He is a dick. You deserve better.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 15/07/2026 10:33

Gabitule · 15/07/2026 00:01

You’re obviously in denial and that’s why you are allowing yourself to believe that he may be telling you the truth. Your defence mechanisms are trying to protect you from the pain of a breakup. But sorry op, he is definitely lying. Of course he wouldn’t buy several sex items and then throw them away before checking if you might be open to trying them. He threw them away because you got suspicios earlier. The reason you looked into his bag is because your instinct told you that something wasn’t right.

He cheats on your because he is not sufficiently worried thay the consequence of you finding out is loosing you. He either doesn’t care enough or he doesn’t respect you enough to think that up’s have the guts to leave. Prove him wrong!

This with bells on. Don’t fall for it

Corvidsarethebest · 15/07/2026 10:34

HelpMeNavigateThisPlease · 15/07/2026 10:30

He is absolutely lying to you.

I am sorry @BugseyMalone

He is a dick. You deserve better.

How could you believe that, OP? There isn't a universe in which this could all be true. No-one buys and uses Viagra, an expensive sex toy specifically for women, lube and a blindfold, for their wife without mentioning it to their wife!

Who cares how sincere he sounds, he's obviously an excellent liar. Your spidey senses knew the truth and they know the truth now. We don't know why he's a great actor, but we do all know he's a lying cheat.

floppybit · 15/07/2026 10:35

What are you expecting him to explain? What could he need a bag of sex toys and viagra for other than sex? Edited to say I’ve just seen your update - he’s lying.

Calliopespa · 15/07/2026 10:36

Corvidsarethebest · 15/07/2026 10:34

How could you believe that, OP? There isn't a universe in which this could all be true. No-one buys and uses Viagra, an expensive sex toy specifically for women, lube and a blindfold, for their wife without mentioning it to their wife!

Who cares how sincere he sounds, he's obviously an excellent liar. Your spidey senses knew the truth and they know the truth now. We don't know why he's a great actor, but we do all know he's a lying cheat.

he's obviously an excellent liar.

Hmmm... well some of us beg to differ!

Corvidsarethebest · 15/07/2026 10:36

Think about it- he was going away too. If he was going to use these with you, he would have done so already, and then left them at home!

OP, come on. Please reach out to someone in real-life and get some support as I think your life is going to get rocky and you need support and guidance during this time.

MajorProcrastination · 15/07/2026 10:46

This reminded me of that Lily Allen song.

You shouldn't have snooped which is what makes the conversation tricky as he could well just turn it around on you.

However, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. He'll lie about it all.

Can you separate and not even mention the toys?

Skyflier · 15/07/2026 10:47

Whether he is cheating or not (and it sounds like he is) you don’t trust him. You will forever be on edge checking his stuff and his phone etc. when you don’t have trust you have nothing at all. Your piece of mind is worth more than your lying shit of a DH

OneNewEagle · 15/07/2026 10:49

Don’t believe these lies.

Kokonimater · 15/07/2026 10:57

What do you hope to achieve by confronting him?
I guess you hope he’ll be honest and apologise and promise you he loves you?
He might do that. He probably does love you.
But will it help you to trust him?

Kokonimater · 15/07/2026 11:01

Ah sorry. Seen your final post.
yes. You’re being gaslit
It’s awful. So sad.

60degreecycle · 15/07/2026 11:03

You wanted to give him a chance to explain.

You did, and he gave you an explanation. This is how it works, this is the relationship you've got. He shags other people, then lies about it and you accept it.

That's fine, until you decide it's not fine and you can no longer suspend the disbelief. That might be now, or not. Only you can say.

If you apply a bit of perspective here, zoom out and look at it from a distance, what does a bag of disappearing sex toys and lube in an overnight bag of a married man look like to you?

What does this feel like to you, what are his actions, not his words, telling you?

Contrarymary30 · 15/07/2026 11:08

I would have taken it out and binned it . Not told him I'd seen it . It's disgusting behaviour from him .

BauhausOfEliott · 15/07/2026 11:08

Am I being gaslit??

Yes, obviously.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/07/2026 11:12

Op, you need to leave this vile man.

NewGoldFox · 15/07/2026 11:15

Girl 🙃

pigsDOfly · 15/07/2026 11:18

omghereistrouble · 14/07/2026 18:40

Solicitor file for divorce
Bin bags put his clothes in by the door
Change the locks

Why do posters always give this sort of rubbish advice on these types of threads?

The OP isn't living in some sort of TV drama, it's real life.

You can't change the locks on someone's home and shut them out, regardless of how badly they've behaved. It's illegal.

Crunchymum · 15/07/2026 11:24

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

Yes you are being 100% gaslit.

And I assume the other 5 pages of replies since you posted this will agree.

Glockenspock · 15/07/2026 11:27

I'd want to know where exactly he was actually going when he's 'working late' so I would put a little tracker in his bag if there's a spot to tuck it away where it won't be found. Gaffer tape the same colour as the bag. Tuck it under a flap, in a corner, into the fabric on a zip pull if there's space, wherever.

Middlemarch123 · 15/07/2026 11:52

Instead of going through his bags @BugseyMalone , you need to pack his bags.

EarthSight · 15/07/2026 12:01

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are. It's horrible - a lot of the damage from affairs is the lying and that high alert you've had to be on for so long. If he bought it for you, then I assume it's in its original packaging then?? Personally, I don't think I'd believe him even then, but if it's just a random sex toy in his bag.....doesn't look good does it?

EarthSight · 15/07/2026 12:02

pigsDOfly · 15/07/2026 11:18

Why do posters always give this sort of rubbish advice on these types of threads?

The OP isn't living in some sort of TV drama, it's real life.

You can't change the locks on someone's home and shut them out, regardless of how badly they've behaved. It's illegal.

Yes I'm amazed that people think they can lock other people out of their own homes, even if that person's name is on the deeds.