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Relationships

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Found sex toys in husbands bag

63 replies

BugseyMalone · Today 17:53

I think I know what people are going to say, but I have no one else to talk to about this.
a couple of days ago, I found some sex toys, lube and a blindfold in my husbands bag. Yes, I was snooping. I have a history of not trusting him- he had an affair 14 years ago, and my spidey senses have always been on high alert. I was finding his viagra was going missing, and alarm bells tarted ringing. He had to go away for the night due to work, so before he packed his clothes, I checked his bag and have found the stuff. He has not liked me looking through his stuff before and gets really annoyed with me (and takes the moral high ground) if he thinks I’ve gone through his stuff- which I don’t do often. So, I don’t tell him that I saw all these things. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair. He said no. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no. He asked me where all the questions had come from and I just said that I ‘had a feeling’ as viagra was going missing. I got some crap about it being in another room. He seems to think that I’m feeling neglected and says that he wants to spend more time with me and that we should do more things without the kids etc. But this is not the case. He’s not home til late tonight, but I think I’m going to have to come clean and tell him that I looked in his bag, and give him a chance to explain. I’m so confused and upset. We never get a chance to talk properly because he works late or we have the kids around. I want to speak frankly tonight, but I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to. I think I’m going to go mad if I hold all this in though.

OP posts:
IwanttoWFH · Today 20:25

This happened to my friend. She had a feeling he was cheating. Found a vibrator under the bed and condoms and a butt plug in his work bag. She didn’t confront him. Shortly afterwards, he told her he wanted a divorce.

He’s definitely cheating. I wouldn’t tell him you found them. I’d start getting your ducks in a row and wait until you’re sorted to tell him you know.

MrsPerfect12 · Today 20:27

I would just tell him to leave. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?

Glidinglikeaswan · Today 20:31

Another to say don't bother confronting him. It's over. Gather all the financial details you can (eg joint and his savings, his pension), move money out of joint accounts, see a solicitor and file for divorce when you are ready. This is where you need the upper hand, not in catching him out.

PenandPip · Today 20:38

I wouldn't confront him. Get legal advice and go from there. He will just lie if you ask.

TheFormerMrsTruelove · Today 20:43

BugseyMalone · Today 20:18

To be honest with you- I’m a bit dim when it comes to sex toys, but even I know what the lemon shaped thing is that sucks a clit does. Probably not for him.

So, in the kindest possible way, what do you want him to explain? He’s never going to give you the honesty you want from him because to do so would be to admit that he’s an awful, disloyal, cheating shit. And that’s why it’s so easy for him to attack you for going through his things, rather than acknowledge it was his actions that killed your trust in him. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s not a good man.

You know there’s no reason except the obvious why he’d have them. What’s he going to say? That he was looking after them for a friend? My only thing would be that it would be unusual for a man to be holding on to sex toys he’s using with one steady partner. If he’s got toys he can’t use on himself then I’d suspect it may be more than one partner. And a woman who’ll use sex toys belonging to someone else may not take her own health very seriously. I think you need to get yourself checked as a priority.

LilyBunch25 · Today 20:44

🦆🦆🦆
Sorry this has happened to you OP, my first husband was a similar lying swine.
Good luck x

Enrichetta · Today 20:48

This must be torture for you. And it has gone on for a very long time.

Why would you want to live like this?

What is stopping you from cutting him loose and living your best life?

Datafan55 · Today 20:50

You're being very hard on yourself, OP. He is the one in the wrong.

Doggymummar · Today 20:51

Just f8le for divorce and act like nothing happened

Anyahyacinth · Today 21:02

Get prepared..finances etc...absolutely no need to say anything to him..don't warn him...get organised. Good luck 🍀

Inmyuggs · Today 21:08

Ask him to open the bag when he returns.
Is the sex tpys for a women or a man?
Which is he dabbling in? For your safety.
Lets all walk on egg shells ...no ask directly.
Hos come back is gaslighting or common oh puty the wifes feeling negected.
Dorect and unpack the bag is the way to go.
Despite the kids did u ask to be in a open marriage ask him.

Kerry242 · Today 21:09

What are you confused about? You know he cheats - past experience tells you that. He's cheating again.

Either leave or live with it.

But stop hoping he'll be something he's not. He's shown you who he is in the past and has shown you again now - believe it.
Believe his actions, not his words. He's a cheater and he's having an affair. What's to discuss?

There's no discussion to be had, just a decision to be made - by you.

Leave or live with it - those are you're only options.

Sorry OP but it's time to face the music and make decisions for you, not listen to explanations from him.

AmazonQueeen · Today 21:11

I’m so sorry there’s no plausible excuse. He is going on a “work trip”?

Don’t say a word to him, he’ll know you’re suspicious now and be covering his tracks.

Get copies of EVERYTHING financial, make sure you have the kids passports in your possession (if you have any young kids), and get used to the idea he’s having an affair.

If you have a joint account with any money in it: get your car and boiler serviced, get your hair done, pay in advance six months subscription to the gym, buy your kids their autumn and winter clothes and next size up in trainers, sports kits and swimwear. Buy Christmas gifts and a stash of gifts you could use for presents for friends’ birthdays. Stock the cupboards with long life groceries. Change your house insurance policy and pay for another 12 months. Pay the council tax an extra month ahead. Basically spend the money on things you know he may not contribute to when he’s gone.

CanOnlyBeMyself · Today 21:13

If it makes you feel better they always run back to their wives. My "DH" had an affair 9 years ago and came back with his tail between his legs.

@PinkyBrain290 You have a very odd take on acceptable behaviour in relationships and if I was the OP I would not trust your judgement one bit.

ExplodingSmittens · Today 21:13

AmazonQueeen · Today 21:11

I’m so sorry there’s no plausible excuse. He is going on a “work trip”?

Don’t say a word to him, he’ll know you’re suspicious now and be covering his tracks.

Get copies of EVERYTHING financial, make sure you have the kids passports in your possession (if you have any young kids), and get used to the idea he’s having an affair.

If you have a joint account with any money in it: get your car and boiler serviced, get your hair done, pay in advance six months subscription to the gym, buy your kids their autumn and winter clothes and next size up in trainers, sports kits and swimwear. Buy Christmas gifts and a stash of gifts you could use for presents for friends’ birthdays. Stock the cupboards with long life groceries. Change your house insurance policy and pay for another 12 months. Pay the council tax an extra month ahead. Basically spend the money on things you know he may not contribute to when he’s gone.

^Thos is brilliant advice.

If you do speak to him tonight, what are you hoping he’ll say?

BitOutOfPractice · Today 21:16

I think I would say “I want a divorce”. When he asks why I’d say “you know why”. Then say nothing.

Id go all of that after I’d done everything duck-wise that has been suggested here.

BauhausOfEliott · Today 21:20

Why do you need him to admit it? You know he’s shagging someone. Just tell him it’s over.

lessglittermoremud · Today 21:35

I wouldn’t tell him you’ve snooped, I would just say you’re calling it a day….
The evidence speaks for itself but ultimately you don’t/cant truly trust him as he had an affair 14 years ago.
Living in a state of high alert for 14 years, questioning yourself, looking for evidence and hoping he comes up with a reasonable explanation sounds exhausting.
There isn’t a reasonable excuse for what you’ve found so don’t give him the satisfaction of listening to whatever comes out of his mouth.
Tomorrow morning I would sit him down, tell him that you’ve realised you can’t trust him and you don’t want to waste another 14 years pondering when he’ll cheat again, that you’ve realised that with the missing viagra that in all probability he’s being unfaithful again and lying about it and it’s not something you’re prepared to forget/try and forgive again.

godmum56 · Today 21:53

OP everything that everyone else has said, also as a matter of urgency, get tested.

Lavenderandbrown · Today 21:53

Don’t have sex with him. I doubt he’s practicing safe sex consistently and there’s no way to find out. He’s having sex outside of your marriage. Your relationship is over because you cannot live like this…that’s clearfrom your post. Get your life and your peace back and step into the space which leads to your future. Take it one day at a time.

Enrichetta · Today 22:00

No point alerting him - keep your powder dry and line up them ducks.

Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites.
Collect proof of all financial assets.
See a family solicitor

File for divorce and concurrently tell him you’re leaving him.

Keep your eyes on the prize - being free to live your life without feeling neglected, confused, Unappreciated, etc

BugseyMalone · Today 22:05

UPDATE- He’s just come home and I have checked his bag whilst he’s in the shower. The stuff has gone.

OP posts:
pambeesleyhalpert · Today 22:05

Are you going to confront him? Good luck

ExplodingSmittens · Today 22:06

Agree that if he’s low enough to cheat then practising safe sex and looking after your health is unlikely to be a priority for him.

You can find your local sexual health clinic here.

nhs.uk

Find a sexual health clinic

Find a sexual health clinic near you.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/sexual-health-services/find-a-sexual-health-clinic/

ExplodingSmittens · Today 22:07

BugseyMalone · Today 22:05

UPDATE- He’s just come home and I have checked his bag whilst he’s in the shower. The stuff has gone.

Does he usually have a shower as soon as he gets home?