Found sex toys in husbands bag

[BugseyMalone]

I think I know what people are going to say, but I have no one else to talk to about this.
a couple of days ago, I found some sex toys, lube and a blindfold in my husbands bag. Yes, I was snooping. I have a history of not trusting him- he had an affair 14 years ago, and my spidey senses have always been on high alert. I was finding his viagra was going missing, and alarm bells tarted ringing. He had to go away for the night due to work, so before he packed his clothes, I checked his bag and have found the stuff. He has not liked me looking through his stuff before and gets really annoyed with me (and takes the moral high ground) if he thinks I’ve gone through his stuff- which I don’t do often. So, I don’t tell him that I saw all these things. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair. He said no. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no. He asked me where all the questions had come from and I just said that I ‘had a feeling’ as viagra was going missing. I got some crap about it being in another room. He seems to think that I’m feeling neglected and says that he wants to spend more time with me and that we should do more things without the kids etc. But this is not the case. He’s not home til late tonight, but I think I’m going to have to come clean and tell him that I looked in his bag, and give him a chance to explain. I’m so confused and upset. We never get a chance to talk properly because he works late or we have the kids around. I want to speak frankly tonight, but I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to. I think I’m going to go mad if I hold all this in though.

Let's look at the evidence:

• he has form for cheating
• viagra missing
• works late
• does not have a clitoris of his own
• has limited use for lube unless there's a women involved or it's anal sex
• he bought sex toys for you but then got rid of them as soon as you got suspicious

This isn't even a close call - there are reg flags and warning signs everywhere.

Of course you are. You mentioned the viagra and he knows you are monitoring him, so to avoid the toys being found he’s stashed them elsewhere. Office drawer or boot of his car. This sounds like a guy into either escorts or the swing scene and he went to a meet. Sorry OP.

I don't know how you haven't been straight to the STD clinic and bleach anything he's touched.

This.

See a lawyer and plan properly before you confront him in any way. Don’t let on what you are doing, simply plan and sort out your future in your own time.

WTF OFC hes lying. Leave him - you will never ever trust him, this is is no way to live.

He absolutely did not buy those toys for you! There is something untoward going on.

Definitely. He thinks you're stupid

Oh lordy.
Don't believe that drivel for a second.
Smile and nod politely. Get your ducks in a row and kick his sorry ass and his used (not with you) sex toys, out into the street.
Peace is invaluable, even if it's short term pain to get there.

Absolutely this, most posters who think you can just chuck a husband out the door have never actually had it happen to them. Many circumstances come into play. OP keep quiet and yourself to a solicitor.

Oh come on! Of course you are being gaslit! He is a lying cheat. Do you really want to stay in this marriage with this awful man?

You probably want to believe him.

If you believe him, it all goes away and you don't have to do all the fighting and crying and splitting up and divorcing and whatever that means for your life.

But you don't really, do you?

14 years you've stuck this out since finding out about the last affair. Do you like what it's done to you, your mental health and your self-esteem? That you're going through his bags and checking up on him over a decade later?

He's a cheating bastard, OP.

Do you want this to be your life?

So he bought an expensive sex toy for you, took one look at it thought you wouldn’t want it, didn’t ask you and just thought I will put it in my work bag and take on a trip to dispose of it then. Because it would be way more embarrassing disposing of it in my own home than at a WORK event.

Do you have intimacy problems? Is there any reason he would feel uncomfortable talking to you about wanting to use sex toys? If not, then this whole story makes zero sense. He has form for having an affair. He’s having another one now. You know this.

If you can’t leave without proof then this is a good reason to demand access to everything instantly (and refusal to do so would mean he’s guilty and you can state that to him).

But if you are going to forgive him…what’s the point in finding out? Even if he ends this one it will happen again. Either accept you aren’t in a monogamous relationship and perhaps expect your own freedom, or do something about it. He won’t change

Oh mate! Don’t be a muppet! 💐

This is heart breaking. He is ‘of course’ a nasty dirty cheat but it’s your clear desperation to keep him
on the pedestal you have him, on which is painful to read. You can knock him off that in your own sweet time. You can process and plan when you see fit. But you must process and plan this will not get better.

And please do not have sex with him and get STI checked. Protect yourself and your sexual health.

OP regardless of whether he has or has not and for what it’s worth I think he’s absolutely bullshitting you.

14 years ago he cheated and it’s having an affect on you. On your relationship. You’re going through his bag and counting viagra.

Leave. You deserve a less paranoid life unconsumed by anxiety that your husband is having an affair perpetuated by the absolute crap he spouts thinking that you’ll believe anything.

You have 2 choices:

you ignore the fact that he’s cheating on you (and he is) and get on with your life knowing this will always be the case

you untangle your lives and split up

What possible explanation could their be for missing viagra,lube and a blindfold/sex toys in his overnight bag............
Im sorry but you know hes cheating again and your intuition and the evidence is telling you so.
He will deny,deny,deny and gaslight you.
What do you want to do now?

Yes.

'Oh that's so kind sweetie. The problem is that when you throw away things like this with batteries it runs a risk of starting a bin fire if crushed in a bin lorry. We'll just have to go together and fish them out.'

So sorry this is happening to you.

Laugh shake your head and say pull the other one - no. Hang firm. I told you he would lie and it is 100% a lie.

Don't just kick him out. Ensure you're finances are in order first, consult a solicitor etc. Then kick him out and have nothing more to do with this man who has such little respect for you.

He doesn’t like you looking through his stuff? Of course he doesn’t as he’s an evil cheating piece of shit. And setting that ‘rule’ with you allows him to flip it on you for disobeying him whenever you catch him out.

It’s so incredibly abusive and gaslighting.

Yes of course you're being gaslit.

You have 3 choices now, accept that he's a lying cheater and stay with him, (which may have to be an option in the short term if you're financially dependant on him.)

Tell him you want a divorce and throw the lying fucker the fuck out.

Or option 3 which is what I would do, pretend you believe him, speak to a shit hot solicitor, get ducks in a row, financials etc and then divorce him.

I probably wouldn't have told him I found the stuff so I had more time to plan, its obvious what it was, but some mumsnet users give shit advice about confronting straight away because they want OP to have some drama so they can read about it in updates.

What is your situation OP will you be able to manage without his salary? Are you stuck? Xx massive hugs.

Yes

He's really done a number on you if you have to ask if you are being gaslit. The only question is whether you are going to put up with his crap for the rest of your life or not.