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Relationships

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Found sex toys in husbands bag

224 replies

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 17:53

I think I know what people are going to say, but I have no one else to talk to about this.
a couple of days ago, I found some sex toys, lube and a blindfold in my husbands bag. Yes, I was snooping. I have a history of not trusting him- he had an affair 14 years ago, and my spidey senses have always been on high alert. I was finding his viagra was going missing, and alarm bells tarted ringing. He had to go away for the night due to work, so before he packed his clothes, I checked his bag and have found the stuff. He has not liked me looking through his stuff before and gets really annoyed with me (and takes the moral high ground) if he thinks I’ve gone through his stuff- which I don’t do often. So, I don’t tell him that I saw all these things. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair. He said no. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no. He asked me where all the questions had come from and I just said that I ‘had a feeling’ as viagra was going missing. I got some crap about it being in another room. He seems to think that I’m feeling neglected and says that he wants to spend more time with me and that we should do more things without the kids etc. But this is not the case. He’s not home til late tonight, but I think I’m going to have to come clean and tell him that I looked in his bag, and give him a chance to explain. I’m so confused and upset. We never get a chance to talk properly because he works late or we have the kids around. I want to speak frankly tonight, but I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to. I think I’m going to go mad if I hold all this in though.

OP posts:
Sunshineandrainbow · 15/07/2026 07:16

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

Was it new in packaging then?

Ethelspagetti · 15/07/2026 07:17

Of course he is lying! Sex toys are expensive so why would he buy a bunch then throw it all away?!

Bonkers1966 · 15/07/2026 07:20

Clearly he wants to stay in the marriage and you sound as if you do as well. Just accept that for the next few decades there will always be some sort of OW. Best of luck OP because you are going to need it.

BlueSlate · 15/07/2026 07:29

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

If its hard to know whether to believe him or not, imagine that you'd read this thread on here posted by someone else.

What would you think?

Would you think it sounded reasonable that a man would have bought this (expensive) selection of toys for his wife; hidden them in his work bag just before a trip away; decided, without discussion with her, that she wouldn't want to use them after all, and then just thrown them out?

Or would you think he was intending to use them with someone else but his wife's questions about the viagra had made him suspicious and he'd removed them from the bag?

We're they packaged? Did he show you the receipt? Was he slightly embarrassed in an open conversation about your sex life when he told you? When he admitted that he'd bought them for you but then said he felt unsure about how you'd react and lost his nerve? Or was it thrown at you like an accusation?

Because you do know the truth.

Owly11 · 15/07/2026 07:30

Urgh I hope you are not having sex with him and putting yourself at risk of an STD. I cannot stand men like this and there's no way I would be having any kind of discussion with him, it would be a case of telling him the marriage is over and he will hear from your lawyer. Sorry op it's grim.

Blogswife · 15/07/2026 07:33

There is no explanation. You’ve caught him red handed !

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2026 07:36

Of course you're being gaslight OP. Nobody would buy sex yous, then change their mind and throw them in the bin without a conversation. We're they out the packets?

BCBird · 15/07/2026 07:38

There is absolutely no reason why.these should be in his bag. I think he is not even that bothered about being detected either if he knows that you sometimes look.through his things. He is being unfaithful again or is planning to.be. You deserve better.

BCBird · 15/07/2026 07:40

I agree re play the waiting game. Seek advice and get things in order

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2026 07:40

You’re not being gaslit no op.

You are being bare face lied to.

lessglittermoremud · 15/07/2026 07:45

Not sure what you were hoping he’d say by you confronting him, it was never going to be
”I’m sorry I lied about the missing viagra, I’m having an affair and using sex toys on my shag buddy”
You don’t trust him, it’s a miserable way to live but only you can change it.
Plenty of people overlook affairs so I’m not saying you should leave but it obviously does upset you otherwise you wouldn’t have gone through his bags.
I know I couldn’t stay but it’s something that’s happened before in your relationship and you managed to keep going another 14 years, at that time there were probably young children etc to consider.
He is a deceitful person, shown by his previous behaviour, you’ll never be able to believe him so you have to weigh up if you want to stay and be deceived or alone and know exactly where you stand.

NameChangeAgain48 · 15/07/2026 07:49

He's pissing on you and telling you its raining. You need to decide how long you are going to tolerate husband BS. I think he's spent so long lying to you and gaslihhting you that you find if difficult to see the wood for the trees.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 15/07/2026 07:59

Of course it’s a lie, and not even a good one! I think it would have been best to follow the advice of PPs and not say anything until your ducks were in a row to leave but as you have let him know you know I think it would now be best to pretend to believe his lie, get everything sorted to leave, and then let him know you’re leaving when everything is ready.

Honestly if this is a real situation, please know that I almost didn’t respond as my initial reaction to reading your update was that surely this is a wind up post. I’m sorry but there is just no way he’s not cheating, and he’s probably been doing it for years. I’m not sure why you’ve let him make you feel any sort of guilty about snooping. Surely if a former cheater was serious about changing and repairing a marriage they’d be happy to agree to be an open book from that point forward. Rich that he objects to you looking through his things on moral grounds — where was this sense of morality when he cheated the first time!?

GentlemanJay · 15/07/2026 08:03

Chance to explain?

RoseOliviaAu · 15/07/2026 08:05

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

Obviously he’s lying. Don’t be thick

ThreadGuardDog · 15/07/2026 08:06

omghereistrouble · 14/07/2026 18:40

Solicitor file for divorce
Bin bags put his clothes in by the door
Change the locks

Your can’t change the locks on the marital home. He can just get an occupation order and that will give him grounds to make OP look like the unreasonable one in any divorce proceedings.

OP I’m in the don’t let on camp. There’s no coming back from this and if you ‘allow him to explain’ that’s exactly what he’ll do - explain his way out of it. Get your ducks in a row and divorce this piece of shit. You deserve so much better.

andthat · 15/07/2026 08:08

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

@BugseyMalone come on!

Of course he didn’t.

He’s used it whilst away with work. It’s in his work bag before he worked away. He’s got a history of this stuff.

You don’t trust him and rightly so.

This marriage is over.

Toooldtocare25 · 15/07/2026 08:16

Oh come on you really must know the answer here

BluntButEmpathic · 15/07/2026 08:16

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 15/07/2026 00:00

So, you pretend to fall for his lie and you prepare for divorce.

And get an STI check.

This.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/07/2026 08:18

Bonkers1966 · 15/07/2026 07:20

Clearly he wants to stay in the marriage and you sound as if you do as well. Just accept that for the next few decades there will always be some sort of OW. Best of luck OP because you are going to need it.

This. He’s got it made OP. Best of both worlds while he does exactly as he likes and you spend the rest of your marriage suspicious, anxious and snooping obsessively. It’s no way for you or your kids to live. And the worst part is that deep down you know the truth. He’s a cheat and a liar - and not a very good one.

Bumcake · 15/07/2026 08:18

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

Just lied to, plain and simple. You sound like you want to believe it though.

OldScribbler · 15/07/2026 08:19

Do the two of you have a good sex life? That is the critical question.

TY78910 · 15/07/2026 08:21

BugseyMalone · 14/07/2026 23:28

SECOND UPDATE- confronted him. He said that he bought is for me, but didn’t think I would want it so he chucked it away. It’s such a weird thing to do. I’m not convinced. He sounds so sincere. Am I being gaslit??

Honestly yes. Also easily disproven - I’m assuming they were open? Not in packaging?

Housebashing · 15/07/2026 08:31

How old are the kids? Do you want to remain in this marriage even if he is fucking someone else ? to be honest do you care?
Mine was probably screwing somebody the entire time we were married and honestly I didn’t care. It’s one day finally enough and snapped and then we got divorced but it was actually nothing to do with him sleeping with other people. It was his other issues

Papster · 15/07/2026 08:33

Poor bloke.
His work event involves fancy dress and his snooping wife jumps to the wrong conclusion