The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

This passive shit is so common and I can never decide whether it means they genuinely can't be arsed or it's a coping mechanism against potential rejection. Either way, it's dull and hardly encouraging.

I am having trouble with my partners ex wife. Trying to cause drama.

Weird response. If you really like him, I would be tempted to be quite honest - say something version of, "Yes I definitely want to, I wouldn't have asked otherwise. I enjoy our chat and think it would be worth pursuing, but am not interested in endless messaging.". There would be a way to phrase it less aggressively, but somethiing that lays your cards on the table.

And if he didn't follow up with some actual date suggestions, I would call it quits at this point.

And I would only bother to do the above if you like the sound of him a lot. Otherwise, I would just leave it.

Because you are the prize, it's clear from your posts that you are an intelligent, compassionate, articulate and funny woman. He should be falling over himself to pin down a date with you, to be honest. Not this half-hearted vague nonsense.....

I've just had a guy pop back up on Bumble - we were messaging a couple of months ago and he disappeared.

I wouldn't normally entertain this (I understand he might have met someone and decided to pursue that - fair enough- but I would have appreciated a message to say so rather than complete ghosting).

But, I don't have much going on dating wise at the moment, and he does seem keen to book in a date, so I am tempted to give him a second chance. (If the same happens again, then obviously that will be the end).

What do you all reckon?

That sounds frustrating..... I am sorry to hear that.

Did you quote my message for a particular reason? I promise I am not your partner's drama-seeking ex wife! 🤣 (I do have two ex husbands, but I have not created drama with either of them as far as I am aware - indeed one I haven't spoken to for about 20 years! The other one I share a child with so we do communicate, but today for example he sent me photos of the ceramics workshop they are doing and I said their mugs were nice - hope that doesn't classify as drama! 🤣🤣🤣)

Just because you mentioned ex wifes 😂😂

Yes its very frustrating. Asking if me and partner are together and not bothered if we are but needs to know if we are.. make that make sense.🙄

Strange..... How did she get your number?

I'd be tempted to block her and let your partner know, ask him to deal with it. Do they have children together? If not, doesn't seem like there is much need for them to be in contact at all.....

Even if they do - that's between him and her and you shouldn't be dragged into it.

Have you spoken to him about it? And if so, how did he respond?

@Wynter25 this may be good for a separate thread. @Ilovelurchers gives good advice.

Lundy Bancroft who writes on abuse says the single most powerful way to reduce abuse is for women to listen to the views of exes though. If your DP has said anything negative about her it is MANY red flags xxx

I wasnt going to say more on it. She's blocked.

She messaged me on facebook. Glad shes not got my number. Ive just blocked her. Not said anything to him. Itll just wind him up. Hes got enough going on. Theyve got a 20yr old between them.

That's weird if you've not met.

My ex of 8 weeks - his ex did this to me. I should have blocked her.

Isnt it! Weve never met.

Ive had to block her on all social media.

Blocking is the best way.

Tbh I’d love to message my ex’s ex . I did look for her on fb but wasn’t sure if I could see the right person . Still tempted to post him on ‘are we dating the same man? too

On Ben:

Will you see him again, do you think?

No way. I could work on it and eventually delude myself there was something.

Nearly Sven ready.

My Korean friend PMj has a date tonight too. An older man, but not the same as my recently discarded Olderman. She messaged with ‘I’m getting ready. Hair done, makeup dialled-in. Am going for that "mysterious but available" look we discussed.' I must have been living under a rock as I have no idea whether ‘dialled-in’ means something specific.

I’d be going for Scandi-chic to match the target tonight if I knew what that really meant. Dress with a side slit instead. Hair loose and slightly wavy, minimal product. I want to look like I just stepped off a boat in a mysterious archipelago, even if I'm just getting the Tube. Makeup is very fresh: glowy skin, mascara, and a sheer lip. No heavy eyeliner tonight. I’ll be ready to break the ice, but with the summer we have been having, only metaphorically.

Are you going on another double date? Hope you have more action this time!

Oops, ignore my last message and hope it goes well with Sven.

I am sure you have done the right thing in blocking her....

I will preface this by saying I know nothing about relationships and my advice is probably awful - but just wanted to check in and say - would you feel able to talk to him about it if you needed to? Because it doesn't sound like the sort of thing you should have to be dealing with on your own - this is his ex after all, not yours - it can't be very nice getting messages like that. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who would deal with things like this and, as much as he can, step up and protect you from this kind of intrusion into your private life......

Fingers crossed it's sorted now, anyway.

I do have a couple of exes I would like to warn women about, to be fair. I do sometimes imagine doing so. And I have posted my best friend's monstrously abusive ex on one of the "are we dating the same guy" sites (with her full permission and involvement, obviously). He found out and his reaction was terrifying - we were really scared for her safety and I did wonder if we had done the right thing - but he seems to have crawled back under his rock now thankfully - and it was astonishing how many women came forward to say they had had bad experiences with him too.

Presumably if that's what this ex was trying to achieve though, she would have made that clear straight away?

I think i will tell him. He will sort it. I shouldnt have to.

As I said, I am no relationship expert, but that sounds like a good call to me. Hopefully he will respond to it helpfully, and resolve with her whatever needs to be resolved, so that you aren't getting strange messages from her anymore.

Are things between you and him really good otherwise? How long have you been together? X

Just started trying to catch up and saw this. Wanted to respond straight away before I forgot whilst reading the rest.

Please tell him.
If you are uncomfortable doing so, that is a huge red flag to me.
I can tell my DP anything and I know he will support me/have my back. I dont worry about his reaction to anything.

Let's hope he doesn't react like my ex

"Oh yes, that's "her name"

Update. Good night out and did not see planes. Must've been inside the pub.

Oh im definitely comfortable telling him. And i will as much as itll wind him up. She's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I will not let that happen. I just hate putting on him.