The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Do you think it was maybe first-time nerves? One of my ex’s was a bit of a disappointment the first time but then after that it was incredible! (Until he became a very selfish lover but that’s besides the point).

Maybe if you give it a little more time you guys can find that spark together. Do you think you’ll give it another go with him?

Potentially plus we'd had a few drinks. Absolutely tmi but he's... lacking a little down there!

I will definitely see him again if he wants to.

Oh no! Everyone is an expert in teaching because they went to school!

Sending love. You CAN have both. Maybe not with these guys though 😘😘😘

Oh nooo!

I got an apology. Nicely done, but no 💐✈️🛩

What was the jist of it?

Bless you - I do understand what you mean. Both Mr Village and Mr Comedy ticked boxes in a lot of ways, and neither of them were unattractive, but it didn't feel intense sparks in the way I (occasionally) have previously. I am not sure if I am asking too much, and ought to settle for a nice guy who treats me decently, and I can't also have massive physical passion on top of that?

(Though speaking of Mr Village, maybe not has nice a guy as I thought. Haven't heard from him since last night ....

Words are cheap

Aw man, that's a kicker.

There's definite attraction with Mr Hat and I'm going to see if things improve in the bedroom.. he's full of green flags otherwise!

It was really well done, he didn't mean to hurt me, it was clumsy.

Oh no, that's rubbish!

Yes. They are probably literally all he can afford.

@Nosdacariad i hope you haven’t replied yet and are making him wait

Are you thinking of giving him another chance?

At the end of the day, it's your life, and only you know how you feel. If you do decide to, I hope I can speak for all of us when I say that we will all support you whatever happens - we've all been there after all. The heart wants what the heart wants.

But whatever you do, please never forget what he said to you, and how unkind he was, and make sure you keep something in reserve. You are clearly an amazing, kind, compassionate, funny woman - this shines through all your posts. You deserve someone who treats you like a queen! But unfortunately sometimes the man we want, is much less than the man we deserve....

If you were my real life friend, this is exactly what I would say to you - that I'll support you whatever you decide, but he ISN'T good enough for you, and never forget that.....

I'm feeling a bit low about Village, who is definitely giving me the cold shoulder. I would honestly have bet half my flat on him wanting to see me again, so I am really shocked by this more than anything. Just goes to show I suppose, people can be convincing actors....

I suppose that, just as I have continued dating, maybe so has he, and maybe he did like me but has met someone since he liked more? And that's fair enough. I'd have preferred him to actually tell me so though, rather than the weird slow fade he has done. (I try to always have an actual cut off when I decide I won't pursue things, even though I often lie about the reasons, in order to spare their feelings. But I would never just fade and/or ghost, after actually meeting in person).

Mr Comedy is still messaging, so I may see him again - it was the funniest and funnest date I have had this round, though I feel there is not maybe that much long-term lifestyle compatibility, plus he actually has cock-lodger potentials based on his living circumstances and a few past relationships..... And while he is an objectively pretty good looking guy, and looks madly young for his age, he wasn't especially my physical type, and the kiss was pleasant but left me a little cold......

Just as an experiment, I have arranged a date with an iron I will call Mr Good-looking, on Wednesday next week. He is quite a bit younger than me and from his pics seems classically gorgeous! The messaging is a bit bland - he is pleasant but neither here nor there - but I just thought, if I have a gorgeous bloke in front of me, if he does fancy me back (he may well not, of course) then hopefully I'll know whether my libido for other blokes has completely gone to sleep, or whether I am just dating the wrong guys.

It sounds shallow, but I just want to sit opposite someone in a pub and think, kiss me, kiss me, KISS ME! I hope I still have it in me to feel like that - I haven't once in what has now been 9 first dates! 😱

It speaks volumes about someone when they slow fade like that. He lacks the emotional maturity to communicate his feelings properly. You don’t need someone like that for a relationship.

I hope the date with Mr Good Looking goes well. I think you should definitely hold out for the right spark and chemistry. I know that I’m fairly black and white about who I feel chemistry for - virtually all first dates I’ve been on I find pleasant, I may even find them objectively quite attractive, but if I don’t feel like I want to rip their clothes off then it’s a no. You will find it again, I am sure it hasn’t gone to sleep!

@Nosdacariad Stay strong!

Slow fading is the cowards way out - you can do a lot better. It is still frustrating when you had high hopes for someone, I am sorry. Good luck with Mr Good-Looking!

Can I weigh in on the attraction thing? I think that without spark and chemistry, any relationship is DOA. However, I also think that this doesn't need to be instantanous and can grow as a connection deepens. I didn't want to rip Mr Physics' clothes off when I met him, but as time has gone on and we have got to know each other better, I now very much do.

So I don't think I would dismiss something because I don't instantly want to drag them into bed, but equally sexual compatibility is important and not something that can be compromised on. Life is too short for bad sex.

Mr Physics is cooking me dinner on Friday. Will be interesting to see how sex goes the second time, after a tricky first encounter...

@CleanShirt Sounds like it’s worth seeing how things go with Mr Hat. That Gemini comment is an absolute gem, it’s so true…!

@coolpattern @Ilovelurchers @BoxOfCats

Ok I agreed I would see him and talk and have had no reply for six hours 🙃

Thank you - I do wonder if I am not giving attraction enough of a chance - if I am expecting to feel it too soon.

Certainly one of my previous long term relationships was with a man I had known for years - about two decades actually - and felt little to no attraction to. Then I slept with him when drunk - actually regretted it immediately afterwards - but developed a very intense attraction to over the coming weeks and months.

So intellectually I do know that can happen. Emotionally though, I am longing for an instant, head over heels type of attraction (which I have also experienced a few times).

Or am I just using the absence of this as an excuse to bolster my avoidant tendencies? Definitely something I need to review in therapy. (Funnily enough, I am avoiding my therapist currently too! Which I know is not good - dating is a minefield, emotionally, definitely something I could do with a session or two to discuss and unpick.....)

Well, his lack of reply is a reply in itself. No doubt he will get back to you in time, as I am sure he is well aware of how foolish he has been, letting a woman as lovely as you slip through his fingers. But it looks like he is still wanting to do this on his own terms. It would be a better look if he responded straight away and was eager to arrange a time to talk, and expressed gratitude to you for even giving him a chance....

Just be careful with this one. Stay vigilant, and remember your (immense) worth.

@Ilovelurchers, everyone is different but I tend to steer towards @BellaBlackberry83 ’s view. If there wasn’t no chemistry at all, and it was the “funniest” “funnest” date, then I don’t think that is one to throw in the bin. It sounds like what you experienced with your ex was quite exceptional - I’ve had that rip the clothes off moment too with men, but never with anyone that it worked out long term! Personally, I’d say that if you feel something and that something isn’t the ick or boredom, but some early attraction and joy, then it is worth seeing what the second or the third date holds. After that, if you still don’t feel the existing attraction growing, then you should call it a day. Constantly comparing to a previous ex will keep you stuck.

@Nosdacariad .. gently saying this, but I think your own created rule in this group was to not give second chances. But I understand how hard that is.