Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

Why should he?!

People like to have sex and want to have sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not sure why you want to make it sound like there is.

My first thought was "its a trap!"
But you stated that.
Where i lost all respect for you was when you suggested an affair with a married woman.
Just dont. You may have a hall pass but that gives you no right to deliberately screw over someone else's marriage. Have a wank instead. Or find someone single who just wants sex.

What's being 6'2 " got to do with anything🙄

PM me - I work in St Albans ☺️

This. People don’t just not want sex anymore, especially if you’re in good shape. I suspect the relationship isnt as happy as you think. She’s checked out. Do you pull your weight and get involved in day to day family life or do you expect her to do it on her own because you provide?

Attraction is rarely just animalistic desire, it’s usually a reaction to feeling appreciated, care for, supported. No wife who’s in love would offer for their husband to have affairs.

Yes your best bet is probably finding a woman in the same boat, just looking for sex but wanting to stay married and with a husband who is in agreement. Might be hard to find. And you will be playing with fire, given that it’s hard to guarantee no one develops feelings.

You have my sympathy as does your wife.

If you were suffering with ED/ impotence and there wasn’t anything you could do about it (as sometimes happens), and your wife was putting pressure on you regardless til you got so fed up with it that you said Look, go and find someone else because I just can’t, how do you think you would really feel about it and what impact do you imagine it would have on your relationship?

@RamesesCollosus There is loads of things a man can do even if he has ED, plus it's possible to get Viagra without a prescription from Boots.

@TeaSet We both work full-time but she works longer hours and sometimes has to travel so I do more childcare. We both work for Investment Banks but she's more senior.

@WhatWouldDianeLockhartDo Vaginismus (sp?) She's only 5'1 so size has always been an issue but the last time was a non starter.

@Munchkinjack I suggested HRT but upon research it's more likely due her being prediabetic. People who work abroad often have affairs but she massively doesn't give the impression.

@Sharkle Thanks for the sympathy.

@TheQueensTeacup This has been going on for years, it's well rested.

@WhisperingHi She's the main earner, I'm the primary point of contact at school. We also have a paid child carer for after school but I do every drop off and also the parents evening. We both work full-time. The school barely recognises her.

@TheDogsMother I nc'd for this but I did an earlier thread on new kitchens and everyone just assumed that I was a woman.

@Gwenna Exactly! Our youngest child is mildly autistic and doesn't take well to change but he has got used to DW working away. I'd hate to be away from him.

@ArabellaWeird recommend me a book and I'll read it.

Also please stop accusing each other of being AI, it's just silly.

It is ridiculous to think that one person can fulfill all our emotional and sexual needs for decades and decades. She doesn’t fancy sex and has given you permission to seek it elsewhere so as not to split the family. This seems entirely reasonable and pretty mature tbh.
Society loves monogamy and hates the idea of affairs, even though they are incredibly common in long term relationships.
Have a look online for adulterous dating sites, give it a go and see if it can save your marriage, and talking about the issue with others in a similar set up may be therapeutic.
You can still be a devoted married couple while recognising you can’t fulfil eachothers every need forever.

@SleeplessInStAlbans is it relevant that we know your height and how fit you consider yourself to be?

ED meds don’t work 💯 of the time.
They are sometimes contraindicated with certain health conditions or other types of medication like for high blood pressure.
It is not always possible to switch to a different BP med, for example, because it might not be as effective.
Not being able to get or maintain an erection can cause frustration, shame etc which can have the knock on effect of lowering libido. Sometimes if it is because of a health condition, that can directly affect the libido.
It’s a complex thing, not always fixable with a pill.
Having to take the pills can be a real mood killer over time anyway. It’s not the same as spontaneous intimacy.
So, women can and do end up on the other side of this scenario.
I think there’s a reason you haven’t responded to my other questions.

"There is loads of things a man can do even if he has ED, plus it's possible to get Viagra without a prescription from Boots."

JC the point @RamesesCollosus was making seems to have sailed over your head:

"If you were suffering with ED/ impotence and there wasn’t anything you could do about it (as sometimes happens), and your wife was putting pressure on you regardless til you got so fed up with it that you said Look, go and find someone else because I just can’t, how do you think you would really feel about it and what impact do you imagine it would have on your relationship?"

@RamesesCollosusis* *not talking about ED: they're trying to get you to put yourself in your wife's shoes, to understand the situation from your wife's perspective. Do I have to spell it out?

IF (i) sex became unpleasant and painful for you, and (ii) you felt under pressure from your wife to have unpleasant painful sex with her, and (iii) you said in response to that pressure that she could have an affair, and (iv) she then went and had an affair, and she seems to like the guy a lot and fucks him a lot - would you be fine with that?

No? Why not?

Btw, the fact that I had to spell this out suggests you lack the self-awareness needed for basic empathy. THAT is likely where the problem lies in the marriage.

That's also evident from the fact that you want to have sex with your wife even though it hurts her and has been hurting her for a long time - "size has always been an issue". SEX SHOULD NOT BE PAINFUL!

And btw "I don't think that anyone has the right to force someone else into permanent celebacy" - that churlish shit comment indicates that you HAVE been putting pressure on her, because you think you're entitled to have sex. So you coerced her into telling you to have an affair. That is NOT a freely held position, it's a forced one. If you fuck around with this on the table, you will hurt your wife further and the marriage will end, likely not amicably.

Also btw you are NOT ENTITLED to sex with anyone. Not your wife, not with prostitutes (UGH! the majority are trafficked, you'd be complicit to human trafficking), and not with hookups or an affair partner if your wife could be made upset and anxious by it.

LOL. Just stop 🤣🫣 Size isn’t an issue. You need to work on getting her relaxed and able to enjoy it. You’re missing something that she needs. You need to communicate

People don’t just not want sex anymore

Er, yes they do.

What a horrible thing to say

It’s a hard situation to be in. My past relationship ended up like this. I think 5/6 years since the last time we’d had any type of intimacy and it slowly chipped away at me and I become so resentful and felt so unlovable. My relationship ended (this wasn’t the only reason) but I do think going down this road you could end up feeling as I did. However I don’t know if an affair or no strings is the option. I worry you would end up feeling more resentful towards your wife.

So wrong. There are plenty of people who just don't want sex anymore.

recommend me a book and I'll read it.

As I suspected. If this is any indication of the effort you put in, there lies the answer to your woes.

You're an investment banker, so I think you might be able to read a bit, and you can clearly use the internet. Effort is all that's missing here. You get out what you put in, and you're getting out what you've put in.

You've also managed to weave in here that you feel like you've got a big dick, which isn't attractive when it's attached to a big ego.

You can sort this out, but I doubt you've got the emotional intelligence to be able to.

Has she had her hormones checked - I have found testosterone gel very helpful. I think what she is asking for is totally unreasonable, and I think it’s worth having therapy to discuss but ultimately I think you need to get divorced and find someone who will desire you.

I would also suggest if she is pre diabetic that she likely can improve libido by reversing the pre diabetes - eg take a GLP1, lose fat, increase muscle (weight lifting) and possibly also HRT. I personally think she is being selfish by not trying to improve her health.

OP is not on here asking for advice on how to help his beloved wife to improve her health though is he.
He is looking for tips on how to have an affair and bragging about his height

You need to leave the marriage. I was in a dead bedroom situation for over 10 years. I’m female and, like your wife, I wasn’t interested. However, it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in sex and intimacy…I wasn’t interested in it with him. Ten year age gap and sexually incompatible. I tried to bury my feelings but life took over and I got involved with someone else at menopause (similar situation to yours). I fell for him. Massively. Went on for 8 years and I was just strung along and realised it was affecting me more than my sexless marriage was. I’m now alone picking up the pieces - as I acted with integrity and ended my marriage.

If your wife was in love with you, she wouldn’t let another woman near you! Sounds to me like she’s not interested in you, in general, but you provide her with a good lifestyle.

And, what happens if you develop feelings for another woman? Then what?

How is she forcing you when shes said you can fuck other people?! Hopefully you dont think people should be able to force someone else into sex they dont want either.

I am trying to be pragmatic. It’s not realistic to stay together in a celibate marriage long term, so if the OP doesn’t want to get divorced the best strategy is to try and help his wife rediscover her libido.