Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

What happens if you develop feelings for the person you go off to have sex with?!
Not sure I could keep having sex with someone and not form some sort of attachment.
No one should force celibacy on another person, however I don’t think it’s as simple as find a lady in a similar boat….
This is bound to end in disaster, and your children hurt.
Separate and seek someone who values the same things as you, or stay until your children are of an age where they aren’t so dependent.

Who said force? FFS suggest. And I'd suggest she came here for advice if she wants it.

This man has been posting the same story on here for a long time. He can leave his wife, instead he is coercing her into sex even though she found it painful.

Because you don't care about consent. Some of us do.

If I was a child and found out this happened in my parents marriage, I think I'd feel sick. I know affairs happen but a consenting three way arrangement like this would feel gross. Doing nothing will also build resentment for you. It's not a good solution.

I have zero desire - none. So, I absolutely won't ever nor could ever embark on any relationship. I am incredibly happy this way. So it makes me wonder why your wife would even want this arrangement to continue with you out shagging and inevitably things getting messy and feelings changing.

Can you and are you willing to financially support your wife if you separate? Are you willing and able to help out adequately with child rearing as separate parents? This is the way forward I believe. Then you freely meet your sexual intimacy needs, which are important to you and therefore understandable in my eyes. You might also open opportunity for a new relationship. Your wife is not your mother and in spite of her offering, it isn't fair for her to function only as that in a marriage.

Don't do the messy way. Your wife needs re assurances or something so you can both be free to manage as separated parents.

You aren't doing this for the sake of the kids btw. We tell ourselves that shit every day and I will never believe it.

We will find a way to meet our own needs first every time. So do it the kindest way.

Speaking from experience - you maintain boundaries. Don't meet too regularly - every month or so - and don't text too much in between. Avoid going out on dates unless it's a couple of drinks in a local pub before going back to someone's place and spread your attention between two or more people.

I have been married a long time and think that marriages can have huge peaks and troughs. I have had times when I have been in a really bleak spot, yet some of our greatest highs have been in our late forties. I am not going to say too much, but trust me…😊

The catch is that you never know where you are on the curve at any one point in time.

Things can change for the better as well as the worse. Can you regard this lack of intimacy as ‘waiting it out’ rather than ‘forever’?

@BadSkiingMum Yes, I hope that it's temporary but I'm already years in.

@Laughorbloodycry DW is a very high earner. She's in the top 0.5 percent so I wouldn't need to support her.

What is it that makes her want to stay with you and agree to this do you think?

It makes no sense logically to me.

@Laughorbloodycry She loves me? She keeps showing me houses by the seaside that we can retire to so she's planning for the long term.

Not sure why my reply was hidden, but was just recalling some profiles I saw on dating apps that mentioned ethical non monogamy.

If your priority is your family then don't take her up on it. Far too much risk of things getting messy. Find other outlets. Because affairs are rarely as straight forward as they sound. They almost always take resources out of the marriage - money for hotel rooms, drinks, dinners and gifts. Time and attention. Interest. All spent focused on someone else - and normally at the expense of the kids, not just your wife.

And then feelings get involved. If you develop feelings and end up leaving your wife, especially if you pursue this while you have children at home and then leave her just after they've left home, you'll have really used her - in a pretty nasty way, despite her permission. And, despite her permission, she may well find an affair is not as acceptable as she expects. She may well have thought it's the only way to hang on to living full time with her kids, but hate every minute and find her self esteem battered. Or she may not care and that may hurt you and damage the way you feel about your marriage, your kids and yourself.

How would you feel about having an affair that isn't supposed to go anywhere? Do you have much to offer a woman that wouldn't take from your family? Can you limit how and when you see someone else because your family take priority? Will you be okay pursuing an affair on a shoestring or will you end up spending money that would otherwise have been shared by everyone else in your family?

People do manage relationships like this. But I don't think it often works out well for everyone involved in the long term.

It's not wrong to want a sex life, the normal advice is to separate and then pursue someone else. If you are going to treat your family well and a sex life is pretty non-negotiable, then you probably need to talk a lot more about all the possibilities, and how you will cope with them and protect each other. It might be you need to be thinking about pursuing separate lives, while you still have friendship and love between you.

Probably because I mentioned one particular site 🤔, anyway, there are others in the same position on the dating apps from what I recall: the main thing is that if you are going to dip your toe in the water with this then be upfront with anyone you get chatting to, I actually did date a man in your position although it was different - his wife had wanted to explore her bisexuality and had been seeing a woman so encouraged him to go outside the marriage too. I only saw him for about 6 wks as it was what I needed at the time but he wanted it to get more serious and do other things together, and I didn’t want to be in that position with someone who was married - not being able to be out and about openly, not meeting friends and family (as they wanted to keep it discreet and people didn’t know about her girlfriend). From fb it looks like they have split and she is with a woman now.

This is me but I’m the woman and our relationship is well and truly over but we have stayed living together for the last 6 years. Any time I try and discuss moving on he doesn’t want to listen, he killed our relationship by not wanting sex at all and we’re only in our 40’s. No sex for over 6 years now.

I did meet someone else straight after we split up but it was a weird situation all round and he found it ( quite rightly ) awkward that I still live with my ex. Our dd is 15 and autistic and once she is an adult he needs to go.

I don’t think it’s as easy as your wife telling you to have an affair. The reality would be quite different I think. Feelings, emotions etc. what if you fall in love with another woman? I know a few people in my boat, basically house mates/can’t afford to run 2 homes/other reasons.

Im quite happy as I am for the moment, my life is so bloody busy I have no time for a sex life 😂 hopefully that may change in the future. Good luck!

Ok. It's really sad reading this because the misalignment is big. She is ok with a companion she loves. You have needs beyond that. The dream she has is sad to read. It is never going to happen like this.

The idea sounds like a solution, yet, the reality is no way going to match this in my mind.

You can't answer this, but how on earth can your wife compartmentalise your shagging other ladies, not knowing who is calling, texting, reacting to every phone alert, where you are, how many there are, if you have feelings.

And you would eventually develop feelings. Then deceit and lying would destabilise the bedrock.

I want your wife to go access counselling and find the strength to realise this is not in her best interests at all. She is offering you something, in my opinion, based on vulnerability and fear of the unknown, being alone, something.

It is not fair on her. Because, it will end in tears I strongly believe. Her tears.

Have you thought why you are staying in the marriage when the intimacy sex drive is still high for you?

Why are you not looking to end this and move towards something new that better meets your needs? And I don't believe ' because I love her'. It is what she is doing for you that keeps you there.

Can you consider finding someone else to eventually fulfil that role or simply seeking sexual fulfillment whilst having an amicable separation from your wife on your initiation?

That and the 'take the lead physically with another woman who actually wants it' sounds utterly grim.

These dickheads are always "6'2" and keep myself in very good shape"

Aye, I bet they are.

I don’t think you’ve forced her into painful sex. I think she has vaginismus. My guess is she’s been trying to have sex with you and just can’t so now she’s given up. Therapy might help. Has she been to the doctor?

Yeah, their wives are always working abroad and high earners whilst they sit at home reading to the kids too.

You could write them yourself.

I don't want to be talking with and advising an AI bot or troll here 😆.

MrsSleeplessinStAlbans is picturing a retreat for one in the Caribbean whilst her STBXH is bunked up with his lover in the flat above Ladbrokes.

That's a very creepy/disturbing statement.

Sorry this is the view from a male perspective, i definitely wouldn’t pay for it as that somehow feels wrong, the thing i would struggle with is that even though she says she want’s you to do that with someone else it would still feel like cheating, also just my opinion but i don’t think it’s possible to have a sexual relationship without one or both parties developing feelings.

It sounds like a dangerous move to me emotionally. I would certainly have a proper discussion with your wife again because i find it really hard to believe that she would be happy with that if she loves you, but then again maybe she loves you that much she will do anything to make you happy. I’d want to be really sure that her decision isn’t going to hurt her long term if you where to go through with it.

There is also the twist to think about, how would you both handle a situation if the OW was to become pregnant for example. So many questions…

Indeed 🤣. You never see ‘man here’ joining in what colour should I paint my kitchen or how can I stop the neighbours using my bin.

Totally !