Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

Many women find it hard to believe but there are women out there who want casual sex/FWB and don't mind if the man is married as long as it's ethical/agreed. If you're genuinely attractive and good in bed you will be able to find a FWB with a bit of patience. You need to have some game however and not appear desperate. There are sites like fabswingers but you're more likely to be successful on tinder/hinge. Be upfront about what you are looking for and can offer.

This is the second man today who has come on MN asking for help getting laid. Just give your dick a rest.

True. But a single woman (and there are plenty on fab) can only be acting with full consent ipso facto.

She’s not forcing you into permanent celibacy, though. I appreciate you’d probably rather have sex with your wife, but that’s not something she wants, and she’s given you clear options. What you do from here is up to you. Easier said than done, I know, but that’s where you are.

Your marriage is over. Intimacy is about so much more than sex, it’s emotional glue. The fact she isn’t feeling attracted to you is her body admitting something her mind maybe won’t.
Your children will be fine. You (and probably her) will be happier. You will end up divorced eventually and then wonder why you waited so long.

there are loads and loads of women who would absolutely love to have what you are offering. But they will be more late forties.

your wife may not have realised that there is a level of effort in having a relationship outside and may change her mind when you go off on dates.

Definitely make sure your are protected because you don’t want another child in this mix.

I'm 45, I won't divorce because I'm really close to our children. I was literally just doing bedtime stories while DW is working abroad. Maybe when the children are older I could. I didn't realise that there was a similar post earlier. I wrote this post a while ago and I've been debating about clicking submit.

Maybe, but maybe not. It's worth trying I would say.

There's websites for married people who wish to date, like Illicit Encounters. Good luck

Think about the other woman. You might find someone who is ok just to have sex, but your post reads as though you want more. it is also possible that another woman will say at first that sex is enough but she might then fall in love with you. You want to be desired, not just to have sexual intercourse, which is understandable but it can cause complications that you might not be able to deal with

I feel for you.

Assuming OP isn't a troll 🤔

There are lots of us in same situ. I am 46 and DH "still loves me" but "doesn't want sex".

I also don't believe that is real love and feel trapped.

It doesn't only happen to men!

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Is your husband on antidepressants? I've heard they can kill sex drive. DW is prediabetic, I probably should have mentioned that.

Always the same !

Given that you have young children I’d at least suggest couples therapy, about the relationship not sex. You’re in a particular phase of life and things could change.

But yes, there are women out there who could be interested in this. And there are a lot of people having long term affairs. I don’t believe it’s always impossible or a bad idea. It’s difficult though. If you want an easy life, don’t do it.

Because they'll receive a much more nuanced and considered response here than they would asking their mates down the pub!

In the hopes they get some dirty DMs presumably, or they actually do have a wife and are just fishing for easy shags behind her back.

Fuckin grim if you ask me.

”She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her” is such a chilling thing to say. Your wife doesn’t want sex but you coerced her into it to such an extent that it was painful for her?

You have been posting about this for quite sometime now. Why is that??

Obviously for advice 😂

JFC. It's always about sex, isn't it?

Don't pay for it that's gross.

You need to decide what you want out of 'non-celibacy'. Do you just want sex or you want conversation, affection, someone to go for dinner with like more of a relationship?

If it's just sex you want you could get that lots of ways. Suggestion for swingers or sex clubs or even just a tinder account - loads of people looking for hook ups which are consensual.

If it's more of an 'affair' you could start dating but you would need to be totally transparent with your wife about it. I imagine she just doesn't want sex - she probably hasn't thought through how it would feel that on a Friday you'll be leaving her home with the kids and heading out for dinner with your girlfriend. Or maybe she would be OK with that in which case you'd need total transparency and clearly defined rules. For example she might not be happy you using family money to buy dinner or pay for cabs or hotels with another woman? It's a pretty awkward conversation but the only way to not explode your life if you want to do this is sit her down and have the conversation.

"You've given me permission to have an affair. I love you and I would love to be physical with you, you are gorgeous, but if you don't want that I respect you and won't push. But I can't be celibate forever, so I'd like to look at whether we could make it work with me being physical with another person and how we could make that work in a way which wouldn't upset you..."

I know people who have had full on thruples and it's been ok. I also know a lot of women who have 'don't ask don't tell' policies with their husbands, but in all those cases the husbands work away a lot so affairs don't infringe on family life. I also know people who have had open marriages and it's been ok. So it can be possible.

Which would be great if he wanted advice on relationship. Like GP, couple's counselling, sex therapist, individual therapy, shared workload and so on. He wants tips to fuck someone else.

No. He has a chronic health condition but does not take any medication.

Because when a man can’t find something - whether that’s his car keys or sexual satisfaction - his first instinct is to ask the nearest mum where it is.

Hmm. And from many threads in the past, a man who "forced" his wife to go to the GP etc "just so he could have sex" would be called abusive.

Anyhow I'm out of this thread, but it is depressing how little empathy you find on MN for people trapped like this.

I would have preferred my husband paid for sex and it was transactional rather than emotional