Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

'it'?

I’m using the app which does what it wants with capitals on new paragraphs and I don’t care enough to change it. Pretty sure AI would put them in automatically.

as for your “it”, that’s a turn of phrase “get it looked at”. Did it make you feel good to be unkind for no reason and take away from OPs thread?

There was an article last week on the BBC (I think) about Fabswingers, and how many women on there are being coerced by their partners into having sex with other people. If OP does use this or similar sites, I’d recommend only looking for single women.

I've already contributed to the thread and to be honest, the OP is a pervy bloke using MN for hook ups (if he's not AI or a troll).
If you can't be arsed to put capital letters in then don't be surprised if people think you're AI. A key sign of AI is no capitals.
You can't be unkind to AI.

I would encourage you to post about this on another site OP, Reddit probably better for a more balanced view.

MN is very conservative when it comes to this kind of thing and a lot of posters despise men generally so you’ll get a lot of criticism and probably not much in the way of useful feedback.

I'm 100% sure than when someone says they want to feel desired they mean sexually desired.

You're not being forced into celibacy. That's not what is going on here. Was, get it elsewhere the end of the conversation to get you off her back? Or are you able as a couple to continue to negotiate what this would like like in reality?

6'2" and in good shape doesn't mean you're irresistable and she's defective. It means that there's an issue between you, and when women go off sex, it's not that they don't want sex. It's that they don't want the sex that is on offer.

Who wouldn't want something that was good? Think about it. It will be easier for you if you want to stay with her to put the energy into working out what would change things between you on this front, rather than ferreting around in swinging websites, and meeting random women in shitty hotels and then having to go back home. Opening a relationship is a LOT of work, I'd say it would be far less work to sort out what's going on between you.

It sounds like there is a physical reason if sex is uncomfortable or painful, that would soon put you off trying, has she been checked out by a GP and are her hormone levels OK.

I agree that you can't guarantee where an affair would go, if you fall madly in love with your affair partner or she with you it will all end in tears. That may or may not happen. You could just divorce now on friendly co-parenting terms or risk having affairs that may also end in divorce on less friendly terms.

Does anyone really believe this bloke? I think he's just looking for a quick perv or a hook up.

I think it's because whenever a man posts a similar post the replies are along the lines on "have you put on weight? is your hygiene good?" etc.
Bascially people assume the man has let himself turn into a slob (many do) so they pre-empt that.
Like when they are advised to "do more of the housework" so they come on here saying "i do plenty of housework".
In that case the replies are usually "so you think that entitles you to your wife's body".

Nah, the blokes are pervs who come on here to get their rocks off.

So she is telling you to either accept being celibate forever or to have sex elsewhere, but I guess she’s drawing the line at you forming any emotional attachment to the other person so it will be a completely functional and unloving transaction. Good luck finding someone happy with that long term. I know they exist but the likelihood of bumping into one day to day is slim.

Honestly, celibacy in a marriage unless it’s unavoidable and acceptable to both people is awful and erodes love, self esteem and eventually the marriage. I do know two couples who are celibate due to illness and the marriage works because both parties accept this - one isn’t saying to other “stay away from me”.

You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Your children will pick up on you just being mates, and it’s not a good relationship to model for them. IMHO and experience, seeing your parents tolerate each other but not be loving toward each other is more damaging than a divorce.

Divorcing and moving forwards would be better long term. Your wife can hopefully meet someone happy with this set-up from the start and you can hopefully meet someone to have a relationship with, rather than an empty and meaningless hook up now and again.

Not the case with everyone on that site, unfortunately.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c87q7g48y4po

It will be easier for you if you want to stay with her to put the energy into working out what would change things between you on this front

If it's not the case that women in this situation "don't want sex", then why are they often so reluctant to give their husbands some straight talking on what specifically needs to change, rather than leaving him playing eternal guessing games, often spending years "ferreting around" as you put it, trying to work out what on earth the problem might be?

OP, you post comes across as a man attempting to get this arrangement with another women that's in a similar situation to him (like the almost irrelevant description of what you look like), so if you get hostile responses, that will be why.

Otherwise, I would advise your wife to be very careful with the arrangement she's encouraging. In her mind, you'll be doing that discretely on the side, but I think what often happens is that the man eventually meets a woman he develops feeling for and then wants to leave his wife & family for her.

I've addressed that in-thread already. A single person won't have a partner to coerce them and will be there by choice. It's no different than meeting on a dating app or asking someone out in a bar.

From my experience, they're not listening.

Yep.

@letshearitfortheboy

I wouldn't like to generalise, but I always find it fascinating how *some men can be devoted to researching and installing the perfect surround sound system in a living room, have the wherewithall to work out how to strip down and rebuild a motorbike, get passionate and almost evangelical about the workings of their coffee machine set up, while being completely void of the gumption to do any research whatsoever in to female desire that's readily available out there, because, ego, and it's easier to blame her and find a new one to bolster the spirits innit.

I'd be reasonably interested to hear what books and papers OP, or yourself if you're suffering in a similar situation, has read before researching Options for Casual Sex.

Women get bored quicker than men with sex. Imagine what you could do with that information...

😆 🤣
I'll have seconds 😆.

My wife said pretty much this to me. I went through a period of soul searching, we both did, separately and together. I ended up saying I'd rather split up, and we did. It was tough, but I don't regret it.

I realised that what I missed was not just sex, but everything to do with being a sexual person and sharing that with someone, who loves me as that and who I can love the same way. I think I knew at the time that an affair wouldn't work because getting emotionally attached to someone I was having sex with wouldn't just be a mistake or a by-product, it was what I actively wanted.

We co-parent well, and I've since found someone fantastic I can indeed have such a mutually physical relationship with.

YMMV. A lot probably depends on the state of non-sexual physical affection. For us that largely died with the sex, and that was the thing that really made it feel like a non-relationship.

I believe that, especially now with the aid of the internet, there's a whole world of both sexes eagerly escaping sexless marriages with affairs and FWB arrangements. So I don't think you'll have any problem finding something. It's just a question of whether that's what you want, and whether you can imagine it working when you put yourself in that situation, as the same person who is husband to your wife and father to your kids. Only you can answer that question.

Apologies, I did not read the whole thread. Just responded when I saw your initial suggestion, because I’ve only just recently read that article and I think it is a very important issue. Probably better to just use a dating app, or ask someone out in a bar, than give fabswingers the traffic.

Well, as a Fab member for over a decade, as both a single woman and as part of a couple, I'm not against giving the site traffic. Most members are not abusers or being abused, and men who are inclined to abuse women will do so with or without a swingers site membership.

Don't pay for sex - imo that's rape.

Have an affair. Easy.

Yet another man who wants MORE SEX. Jesus, get divorced and go and shag other women
@SleeplessInStAlbans