Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

I wonder why she’s gone off sex with you? Would be interesting to hear her side of the story. I think, if you really valued this relationship , you need to be a bit more patient and explore this via mutual counselling rather than jumping into sex with another woman.

I think also the fact you mention your height and that you look after yourself stinks of ‘Sales Pitch’ to me, that information isn’t relevant.

How can they be sure the person they're hooking up with isn't being coerced?

Oh my god all of you. OP didn't come on here for advice. Look at his username - he’s told us where he lives ffs

a bus trip to st Albans ?

@SleeplessInStAlbans The relationship your wife is suggesting isn’t unusual. Try the app Feeld- it’s a more open minded, less seedy app where you can be upfront about your circumstances and what you are looking for, with no judgement.

Heartbroken38
Just think the thought of having sex with you is so awful to her she'd rather you did it with someone else. Don't stay with her. The marriage is dead...if a woman loves a man the thought of him with another women is unbearable. She doesn't care. Move on and be happy. She has made her choice by saying this to you.

Totally disagree with this- I think she thinks she’ll be fine with this until it happens then your marriage is gone and your kids have a dad who’s cheated on their mum. Don’t do it op. Your options are split or stay. People on mn say about forced celibacy but who’s to say you’ll meet anyone anyway- men assume there’s a million other options out there for them- maybe there isn’t and you’d never have had sex again! Im assuming you do equal in the house, have date nights/ talk and love each other and that she’s gotten checked out to see if she has different issues

If a single person is keen to message, interact, arrange a social, appears enthusiastic about arranging something further if the social goes well etc, it's probably safe to say they're fully consenting. Same as if you met someone on a dating site, or got chatting in a bar.

I don’t know how old you are, but at the age of 51 I’d not had a period for a year so was officially menopausal. I wasn’t interested in sex at all and was thinking just like your wife. I love my husband dearly, we’ve both kept ourselves in good shape and it wasn’t fair for him, also sex was very painful for me.

I visited my G.P, who to be honest wasn’t much use, so I paid privately to see a menopause specialist. It turned out I had vaginal atrophy, HRT sorted this out, bliss, it was so painful just to have a wee.

Unfortunately the HRT didn’t kick start my libido, so the specialist did bloods to check my testosterone levels, they were very low. She started me on Tostran, after just two weeks I had my mojo back. Thankfully my sex life is back on track.

Your wife could be peri menopausal, it’s definitely worth her having a chat with her G.P. Wishing you all the best 🤗

IE (and other similar sites) is great and there are lots of people on there with genuine open marriages in among the trolls and bots.

Just ignore people who say ooh dear you will have an affair, you will fall in love and leave your wife and it'll all be terrible. And for those folks - if you have never had sex with someone other than your spouse, after marriage, then you don't really know all the ways it can go. And equally, if your only experience is the terrible betrayal of an affair, that is naturally very upsetting, but you're not in the same position as the OP, so I wouldn't give advice if I were you.

There is a world of difference between having permission to explore, and doing it in good faith, and the scary, compartmentalised, emotionally stunted, stubborn self delusion of having an affair. Non monogamy is a different process. To some extent it inoculates you against doing something stupid, because you are thinking it through. You are not blowing up your world on a fantasy of perfect love and baby-like attachment to a fantasy Other. You are not running from yourself or from your marriage.

You will meet sensible women who see that there are many colours and kinds of intimacy.

Many of us would like to have exciting, sexy, love, deep companionship, life partnership, shared parenting, intellectual equity, soul mate status, all with the same one person. Who wouldn't? But life does stuff to us and sometimes we can't offer all that to the same person. And splitting out the parts of love often gives a deeper appreciation of the value of each part. I'm not with DH because we are each other's only sexual option. We choose to be close every day and value the whole of the relationship, not only sexual exclusivity.

Not RTFT, but this just reads for an advertisement for "contact me if you want some fun"

And the op has helpfully provided his location so local mners can get in touch 🤢

He does it every couple of months too.

I was with a woman I loved but could not give her what she wanted: a child. She found someone who could. He moved in with my agreement. Today we live together with their 9 year old daughter. I find my sex elsewhere. Everyone is pretty happy.

If it's just the intimacy and sex lacking maybe she needs HRT to get her juices flowing again but saying she wants you to sleep with another is very odd and I'm wondering if she's having an affair herself 🤔

Whatever works for you i guess, slightly strange setup but what is normal in this world.

She's not forcing you into permanent celibacy, she'd actively encouraging you to fuck off, fuck someone else and leave her the fuck alone.

You need to change your mindset - you say you want to be desired. You are desired. She loves you and wants to spend her life with you but she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. I don’t know if that snippet will help.

you need to make sure you’re the best husband you can be. It’s all very well looking good and being tall but if you’re a lazy cunt, she would probably rather be married to a bridge troll that pulls his weight and supports her. Don’t underestimate how much work it takes to get all these things to just happen.

why does sex hurt? Does she want to get it looked at? Don’t push her but support her. What about other intimacy such as touching, hugging etc?

you need to have a discussion that you’re considering it and what that will actually mean. You should probably have a rule that it’s never the same person twice or it’s from an online group specifically for this. Do not allow yourself an emotional affair or put your relationship at risk. Open relationships are fine but take work from both parties.

😂

Ditto here, similar age too. I have no idea what to do. Sometimes I think I've made my peace with it but then other times, like the last few days, I feel desperately sad. Our DC would be devastated if we split and everything else in the relationship is ok so we just continue on.

AI bollocks

"why does sex hurt? Does she want to get it looked at?"

WTF

The risk of your children finding out about other partners is a very valid point.

I assume that means you think my post is well written? Cheers

If sex hurts, you should look into why. HTH

Well written would require capital letters.
Cheers.