Wife says I can have an affair after our sex life ended

[SleeplessInStAlbans]

I am in a situation that sounds like a cliché, but I’m genuinely lost and could use some honest female perspective.
My wife and I have a great partnership when it comes to raising our young children, but the physical side of our marriage is completely over. She has lost all interest in intimacy, and any recent attempts have actually been physically uncomfortable or painful for her.
Here is where I’m stuck: she has now told me, on multiple occasions, that I have her explicit permission to have an affair. At first, I thought it was a trap, but she is entirely serious. She wants our family life to remain untouched, but she wants to be left alone physically.
I don't want to blow up my children's lives with a divorce, but the thought of permanent, unwanted celibacy is slowly destroying me. I work hard to provide a very comfortable life for us, and I take pride in my appearance (I'm 6'2" and keep myself in very good shape). I still have a massive need to be desired, and to take the lead physically with a woman who actually wants it.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be finding a woman who is in the exact same boat—someone looking for a discreet escape and mutual appreciation without losing her family. But does that actually exist in the real world? How do you even navigate this without feeling completely out of place?
I would appreciate any advice from women who have been on either side of a "hall pass" or a dead bedroom.

Possibly but it never seems to be on any other subject does it.

It seems it was the constant pressure, the never being able to have a hug without him grabbing my bum, not being able to get changed without him grabbing me/pestering me, that was the reason I totally avoided sex and shut down.

I think a lot of women feel like this - it is such a turn-off but men do not seem to get it.

I’ll chip in on that, not duck egg blue in the kitchen and throw your neighbours rubbish in their garden 😯

I saw a thread on here the other day that exposed this website as many people were actually not consenting. This is not good advice.

because women have done it too many times on the threads, and the original founder of mumsnet has said its for both parents and not just mums

Do NOT suggest a bloke buys consent FGS. Which you can't anyway but you know what I mean.

Yes but it is so often sex and rarely any other subject. That’s my point.

🤸🏽

Omg 😆

most other subjects im guessing they would ask the wife, of use google etc

I guess it depends on your motive for being here, are you here to ask questions and seek out sympathy or are you here to just comment and try to give useful advice that might make a difference to someone’s life. I wouldn’t blame you for questioning the motive though.

If there is a serious illness on one side .you can cope with that because well in sickness and in health and full sex is not everything. Love and desire can get round the fact it has to take a back seat for a while .but just to say sorry I want you for financial reasons to keep the family together that never works .
.everyone wants to be desired and loved .unfortunately an affair is not the answer .because it's never just sex emotions get in the way ..I think separation may be best .happy parents are more important because you will get bitter Everyone needs loved it's a human connection. I hooe you figure something good for you all you are important as well .

To be fair, sex and relationships is basically the only topic where you specifically need the point of view of the opposite sex. That doesn't apply to the neighbours using your bins, about which you can get equally effective advice from men or women.

fair points

What a disgusting comment. You are a grown adult, no one is forcing you into anything. Assess your options and make your decisions accordingly.

OP was probably hoping for replies like this when he started the thread. Mumsnet is cheaper than Tinder.

No, true, no right, and nobody has the right to demand someone have sex with them.

It sounds like you marriage is over. Hopefully, as you have kids together and seem to get along otherwise you will be able to remain friends.

Maybe MN needs to have a dating section, at least everyone in there would have the same motive.

@SleeplessInStAlbans

Why do you think being 6ft 2 is an advantage. Obviously your wife doesn't care about your height. Get over yourself. She's not attracted to you and actually doesn't like you if she is telling you to have an affair. Put her out of her misery and leave.

FWIW, I fucking hate anyone mentioning their height ,it's like I'm so much better because I'm tall. Fuck of..

Really? Have you been living under a rock? So many of those women are.having sex with married through coercion by their own partners.

Where are you based?

Yes OPs comments about “taking the lead” doesn’t sound like great sex to me..maybe it being painful was not be aroused?

Then the comment about “not having the right” (to force celibacy) which is another way of saying no right to decline sex ..I feel for OPs wife. No one’s ‘rights’ trump a persons right to consent about their own body

A minority are, and that's terrible. However, a single person on Fab with no partner to coerce them won't have that danger.

I totally understand what they mean.
In a monogamous relationship if one partner shuts up shop the other is pushed into celibacy (unfairly).

You sound like you prefer a relationship deep down more than a fling with someone in the same boat. I suspect that were it not for the children, you would divorce and seek a new healthier loving relationship. Stay true to yourself as you navigate this situation and don’t be afraid to consider divorce as an option. Sometimes staying together for the kids can lead to two unhappy parents and the kids pick up on the unhappy household, but others will be able to advise on that. All the best.