Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Your husband sounds deeply unpleasant.
It is not okay to stop speaking to you for days.
Has he shown any concern whatsoever for you and the impact this will have ( in terms of driving etc) .
He could easily have spoken to you kindly about alcohol use, which you've said you don't do very often anyway. He's acting like your an alcoholic . His behaviour and you apologising to everyone is setting the tone for any future seizure being something you must have 'done'. I'd get out of that thinking. It sounds like he doesn't like you very much tbh. What is the relationship like otherwise.

You had the epileptic seizure but your husband, along with your children had to witness it. Your husband had to manage his own emotions, his children's, all whilst trying to keep you safe. He's scared, emotional and angry....all of which, given the circumstances you can understand.

The fact you suspect a link between alcohol and the seizures, even though the consultant wouldn't confirm or deny, should have been enough for you to never have an alcoholic drink again. Medical professionals don't know the answer to everything, and I'd imagine all individuals react differently to alcohol if they're epileptic. For you it appears alcohol can be a trigger.

You've apologised, and you can't undo what's happened. You need to let your husband calm down and then have another talk with him. If there's been distance from him, and he's unhappy in the marriage, then yes, this incident gives him the ammunition to end his marriage, without taking the blame.

Yeah. No.

I'm going to go against the majority of messages on this thread and say I feel hugely for you OP.

You have epilepsy, a medical condition. There is always going to be a risk of seizure and that is absolutely not your fault. It would be very different if your consultant had said that you shouldn't drink at all however in your own words he advised to 'minimise the amount of alcohol (you) consume'. From what you've told us it doesn't sound like you're a frequent binge or daily drinker. From my perspective a few drinks occasionally with friends would fall within this advice. Whilst it's true that alcohol may lower the seizure threshold, so can a hundred other things like being unwell!

It sounds like a scary experience for everyone involved - you more than anyone, and I'm sorry you're not being more supported in the aftermath. I'm not hugely surprised your husband has had a strong emotional reaction as imagine it's rooted in fear, however I think it is incredibly unfair that he is making you feel so guilty.

Sending you support.

As a doctor, I think that the OP is likely putting their own spin on what the consultant told them. Alcohol lowers the seizure threshold, and I bet the advice given was something like this alcohol and seizures , which she's interpreted as "well they can't be sure".

Witnessing a seizure can be terrifying for adults - I've seen many relatives absolutely traumatised by seeing the first fit - and even more so for children, so he's probably had a very high emotional reaction to seeing the kids upset.

It's important that you understand that poorly controlled epilepsy increases the risk of SUDEP ( sudden death in epilepsy) as well. There are so many reasons why it's understandable that he is furious, and I imagine if this was a wife posting about their husband there would be much less sympathy.

However it's only been a few days, but if my next week he is not talking to you still then his reaction crosses into unreasonable - if he thinks that this is a dealbreaker for him then he needs to say that.

He just needs time to cool down. It's a pretty big deal not being able to drive for 12 months, it will have a huge impact on family life. That said, it's not like they said absolutely never drink again so although this was foreseeable it sounds like it's not an exact science. Let him be angry for a while and then genuinely apologise, and of course I guess it goes without saying to never drink again. I mean if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be mad too right?

Really shocked at all this "having to witness it" stuff. I've read about how epilepsy used to be stigmatised in the past but didn't realise it was still the case in the modern world. It's not easy living with a chronic disease, and OP has learned her lesson. Maybe she can stop being berated now.

I was about to type a very similar response. Thank you for doing it for me.

My DH has epilepsy and it’s shit for him, for me and the kids if he has a seizure. Sometimes he might have contributed to it by getting over tired or drinking a couple of glasses of wine or (major trigger here) getting hot and dehydrated. It would never occur to me to behave in the way your husband has. Epilepsy is part of him and he manages it as best he can but he is only human and sometimes he doesn’t take all the precautions he usually does. He has been fit-free for years now but we all know that even if he does take all precautions he might have another one.

It is distressing seeing a seizure, especially when it’s a 6ft 2 bloke crashing to the floor, but it is a medical condition not a moral failing.

I hope you’re ok.

My instinct says that he is a c*nt.
Are you always expected to be perfect?
Everything your fault?

There's no way of knowing if alcohol caused it, yet no leeway, right?
So is he to accuse you of drinking every time this happens?
Oh what fertile soil this is for an abuser.

I am not going to say he shouldn't be annoyed but his reaction is waa-ay over the top.

Ltb. Or better still kick him out.

I wish you all the best. The last thing you need is him around.
As ever, when you're dealing with an abuser seek help and be careful.

My DBIL has epilepsy so I feel for you.

Your husband may be feeling right now that he can't trust you. He may feel you are saying all the right things because you are desperate to get past this, but that eventually the same thing will happen again. He may be so angry and frightened that he doesn't trust himself to say anything right now that won't end up making the situation worse. When I go silent with someone, it is generally for that reason. Given that you didn't have the iron will and self-control needed to resist a drink, it's a little unfair to expect him to have the iron will and self-control needed to swiftly get past his fear and anger.

Though it's uncomfortable for you, you will have to give him time. Trust is fragile: it can be lost in moment, and can take years to rebuild.

Words fail me.

I guess he is annoyed because of the extra driving too. But he is being unfair to you not speaking. Given he enjoys his drink, maybe he can support you too.

I’ve got epilepsy and your DH is being a total wanker. I am hoping it’s because it freaked him out seeing you have a seizure and the kids witnessing it so he’s being irrational.

While I agree it’s not ideal getting pissed when you’ve got epilepsy you’ve been seizure free for 2 years so yes, you tested the water a bit and now know you need to limit drinking again.

Many people w epilepsy can have breakout seizures on meds whether they drink or not so it may be coincidental.

i think you need to confirm to dh that yes, you made a poor decision (were only human), but also he needs to support you now as epilepsy is tough going (obv now you’ve reset the clock on driving - if you do drive - which is probably the most annoying outcome).

How exactly did she betray his trust?

Eh?!! He's an abusive prick.
It's as clear as day.

Absolutely this

It would be full of 'I couldnt get past this', buzz words aplenty like selfish, 'he's prioritising alcohol over his family and health' 'he's showing you who he is, believe him', 'red flags' 'alcoholic'

You name it

Yet for some reason because OP is female, he is in the wrong now

I havent read a lot of this thread but i think your being too hard on yourself and your husband needs a bit of a reality check.
The seizure happened the next afternoon? Alcohol may have played a part but its a pretty longtime between drinking and it would have been out of your system by then. its also been hot, you may have been dehydrated and sleep deprived but that could have happened just from having a late night and being a parent (most of us are sleep deprived). you had also been out all day with the children. It could have been totally unrelated.
There are loads of triggers that could have all played a part and you cant prevent them all,as your husband he should understand that anything or nothing can trigger a seizure, its just part of epilepsy so he shouldnt be annoyed or punishing you over it.
Your relatively newly diagnosed and you are still allowed to live your life, he needs to understand the condition more and stop laying blame where there isn't any.⁸

You will already know that men are far more likely to leave a sick partner than women.

He is behaving like an asshole. You were lulled into a false sense of security, fucked around and found out. If you were planning on continuing to drink, then he might have a point but you are not. His response (ultimatums over drink or the kids etc) is way OTT so there is another element here and I suspect that element is that he is looking for a way out.

He is being infantile and ridiculous. In your shoes and with you already having told him your drinking days are firmly in your past, his behaviour would be making me feel sick to my stomach, not the other way round.

It's not just the seizure. You now cannot drive your kids anywhere and he is now the sole driver. If the kids need driving to school/clubs etc, I can see why he would be angry.

However, it sounds like he is weaponising your lack of care, safety and judgement as an excuse to generally be an absolute arsehole to you and treat you like shit and turn your kids and family members against you, while making himself look like a victim. Is that what is happening?

You need to be firm and factual with him and explain: You have previously limited your alcohol consumption to avoid a seizure. You are not an alcoholic, or dependent on alcohol in any way. You have not been advised to cut out alcohol. Your general consumption is low and limited to rare social occasions. You do not drink enough to get drunk.

Now you are explicitly aware that alcohol is a trigger for you, you will stop. You will NOT tolerate any future blaming of you for further seizures. You will pick up extra household workload if the driving of children impacts on your husband. Now he can shut up about it.

Anyone can see that his reaction is waa-ay over the top.
Nobody's saying he shouldn't be mildly put out.
The stonewalling, the colluding with the MIL, the gaslighting in the fact that correlation does not mean causation.

All classic signs of an abuser.

It is absolutely vital she kicks this c*nt out.
Because, if she does not, everytime she has a seizure it will be attributed to a failure on her part.

God almighty epilepsy is bad enough without a c*nt like him making it all worse.

More shaming of people with epilepsy. Please stop, we’re not in the middle ages now.

And there was is no reason the children’s father couldn’t have supported and reassured them during their mum’s seizure.

…like the way he could have supported and reassured OP after an unpleasant medical episode.

You need to give him time.

Do talk to your children about your epilepsy. Even by avoiding triggers and taking medication, you can still have seizures. They need to know what to expect and what they should do if there is no other adult around.

She didn’t. This is misogynistic shite.

What some call 'venting' , others might call an attempt at triangulation.

He’s allowed to talk to his mother about how it’s made him feel.

it’s literally been 2 or 3 days. He will be still in shock and processing what happened, as will the op. And she will be dealing with the after effects of the seizure on her.

I feel for them both. It’s a lot of pressure on him to have to be vigilant with the op now and to have to take on all the driving for the kids, especially when it’s something that potentially could have been avoided. And I’m sure the op feels terrible. And remorseful.