Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

It’s horrifying isn’t it? Really shocking that people still think like this.

Him in shock. Oh please he's a grown man he does not need to process it.
His wife has epilepsy a fact of which he is fully aware.

There's no need to go running to mummy, it's triangulation. Pure and simple.

I'll concede that if he's not abuser he's just looking to leave.

In which case, he shouldn't let the door slam him in the ass as he leaves.

If the DH was so concerned about the effects on his children, you’d think he’d be doing everything he could to make life seem normal and safe now, and giving his support to their mother. Yet he isn’t, he is making a horrible atmosphere in the house and putting their mum under more stress.

i think there will be an element of shock involved as well
I had to deal with someone who had a seizure at work once I can honestly say it frightened the life out of me and genuinely traumatised me
add the fact your kids witnessed this I would be absolutely raging
you need to ride it out have a blunt talk with him admitting you’ve massively fucked up
going forward you won’t drink
And you both need to draw a line under it and whilst your sorry your not going to put up with it constantly be used against you

be practical you need to look for solutions about you not driving don’t just use the default of hell have to do it
things like shop online and public transport

there’s some unhelpful post just villainising DH tbh I’m with him but you both need to get past this

Yeah, it's like medievalnet on this thread. I didn't realise this attitude still existed.

I think he needs time. You say in your post it was as bad for him as it was for you.

It wasn't, it was far worse. When you are fitting you are out of it, when it stops you can't remember it. You are probably left with some brain fog, some muscle aches and a bitten tongue, but it doesn't compare with watching someone you love go through a tonic clonic seizure.

It's horrific to watch and it's left me unable to sleep because my husband fits at night and every little noise he makes puts me on high alert.

He has a right to feel angry, he also feels scared. It's too soon for him to process all this. He needs time, and possibly some counselling to deal with his memories and fears going forward.

I wasn’t aware of the helpline, so I’ll give that a call.

I don't doubt watching your husband fit is terrifying, but he is the one who might die from it, not you. Claiming his illness is worse for you than it is for him is the height of self-absorption, especially when there is nothing he can do about it.

Give the number to your husband too. He may well appreciate someone to talk to. Bear in mind that while he isn’t speaking to you, he also isn’t telling you all the angry and scared thoughts he’ll still be having.
He’s processing the trauma without dumping on you.

Yeah I spoke to the kids, explained the situation, why it happened, how sorry I was that they witnessed it and how much I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I was honest and said that it might happen again randomly but for the ones I can control I will. They are 10, 8 & 3. My 3 year old does not understand and just thought I was playing. But my 10 & 8 year old were well aware of what was going on and I’m so proud of how they dealt with it.

Can everyone who's never seen a tonic clonic seizure, never mind in someone they love, please shut up criticizing this poor man for his "weakness".

You have no idea until you've seen one up close and personal.

My dc is epileptic and i still think her husband is an arsehole.

It was not completely your fault but the sensible thing would have been to cut out alcohol completely. I presume your husband was scared as were your children. The consultant can’t tell you for definite as there clearly isn’t enough evidence but you noticed the pattern. Alcohol causes dehydration amongst many things so it obviously has a negative impact for you. Stop drinking maybe he could to?

Don't you understand that the fact there is nothing he can do makes it worse? If she dies she won't know a damned thing about it. It's him who'll be left bringing up the children alone. It IS worse for him than for her.

The person who is fitting doesn't remember a thing about it. They come to a bit groggy for a day or so and with some aches and pains. Meanwhile the observer has a permanent memory of them writhing, jerking, their eyes rolled back in their head, choking on their own spit, breathing like an apocalypse movie zombie, and will spend their life on tenterhooks waiting for the next one.

You can't just roll them into the recovery position. You have to wait and watch until the violent part of the fit is over before you can do that.

Yes lots of them, my dc is epileptic! Her husband is a grade A prick!

I'm sure it gets easier to bear once you've seen more. I'm sorry you have to deal with this but your DC is not wilfully drinking excess alcohol risking his life and his children's futures, is he?

I have epilepsy and when I saw someone have a seizure I was traumatised. It’s absolutely terrifying.

Various members of my family have seen me have one and I know how petrified they were. All they could think was, “Is she going to die.” I know my seizures can’t be helped but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I hate how much of an emotional impact they have on the people who have to witness them.

I had one once at work (as a nurse) about 3 years ago. I just dropped and had a tonic clonic seizure in my bay in front of my four patients and even now it still plays on my mind how scared they must have been.

My two young children have seen me have seizures and it naturally terrified them - how could it not? I’ve been through first aid with them so many times and they know what to do from a practical level but that doesn’t take away the fear.

I hate having epilepsy but the worst part is definitely the constant thought of having one in front of my children and the impact that will have on them, especially if the seizure doesn’t stop and I need medical intervention (intubation etc). That kind of trauma can’t be avoided just because someone is taught first aid or has been told what to expect.

My husband knows how shit my epilepsy is for me, but equally I know how shit it is for him too and how although he goes into practical mode when a seizure is occurring, when the adrenaline wears off, he can be emotionally impacted for days afterwards when the reality sets in of what could potentially have happened to me.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, you explain perfectly what the impact is.

This forum is so anti men.

If the roles here were reversed the man would be being crucified for drinking alcohol knowing it would increase the risk of him dying and leaving his children without a father.

This post says a hell of a lot more about you than it does about me.

I think your further down the tracks when it comes to dealing with epilepsy
this sounds like the first seizure the kids have witnessed and possibly only the 2nd seizure DH has witnessed and will be hugely traumatic and frightening and he’s fuming as it was more than likely avoidable yet OP’s actions have put them through that

This brilliant post.

Stop demonising people with epilepsy.

For goodness sake, if it wasn't for her epilepsy it'd be something else.

Now, unfortunately, this condition has given him a stick to (metaphorically) beat her with forever more.

He'll read 'somewhere' that chocolate increases seizure rates (no idea if this is true or not, just giving it as an example) so if she has a bar of chocolate it'll be her fault.

Abusers love a condition like this that can be triggered by certain things, it gives them the authority to restrict the abused person's life under the guise of care.

How do I know he's abusive? Because his reaction is waa-ay over the top.
The other explanation that he's just looking for a way to leave is better.
Maybe he just can't cope. Not great but better than being an abusive c*.