Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Please ignore all those berating you and stop berating yourself.
You were not to know this would happen despite what your DH and others might think.
Your consultant said they didn't think there was a link. You've been having a few drinks in the past without any issues. This latest episode was just unfortunate but you have already decided what action you are going to take to reduce the risk of a repeat.

Your DH needs to grow up. Learn how to communicate and have some empathy. How cruel to leave you feeling so unsupported at this vulnerable time. I do hope you can get through to him some time soon and work together to discuss the way forward.

She has that seizure not the day she was drinking but another day. She held driving livence, she could have been driving. We are not sitting in OP's Dh's head, just imagining what may be going on in it.
We don't know the dynamics of their relationship apart from the mention of the great support she got from her DH and MIL.

@TaupeBird have you drank at the same time as your husband during the last 2 years? And if yes did he say anything then?

I have epilepsy and sorry but I'm with your husband I don't drink too often because yes it does trigger seizures which I don't consider "fun" not is it fun for others to watch especially if they are young and don't understand

You thought there was a link between the seizures and alcohol yet you’ve carried on drinking?!? Sorry completely irresponsible and stupid. I’m not surprised he’s acting the way he is.

I'm concerned that your husband has decided it is purely down to drinking alcohol, when you have had a seizure during a huge sodding heatwave. Heat is a very common trigger for epilepsy.

That said, I obviously agree that if you see a link between alcohol and seizures, then you should absolutely stop drinking. But I am not convinced it is going to be as simple as alcohol = seizures, or being teetotal = being seizure-free.

I'm sorry he's being unkind. We all make mistakes and we are likely to improve more with empathy and understanding than with blame. Your kids will be fine and I hope that you feel better soon.

This absolutely.

Giving you the silent treatment and sulking is not the behaviour of someone who loves you. It’s the behaviour of someone who wants to cause you distress and is a form of abuse as another has poster said. You have taken full accountability for your actions, you have apologised to all concerned and you clearly will not be drinking again. It’s now time to stop apologising and to get on with your life as positively as you can.

I wish you the very best OP and really hope you can get back on track with things.

We can all make very silly mistakes with our health one way or another.

Lesson learnt and I hope your DH calms down and you can both get back on an even keel.

it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it.

Have you previously driven the day after drinking?

There could have much more serious consequences.

Not all people have the same type of epilepsy. Some people get symptoms before the actual seizure. Others are able to control them completely with the right medication.

You might be in the middle of a huge sodding heatwave. I don't think OP has mentioned where she lives, though.

I think a lot of people commenting don't know what it is like to live with a long time health condition. I don't have epilepsy, but I do have IBD. I know that sometimes, popcorn will affect me negatively, but I love popcorn. Sometimes, I will have a piece or two, and take the risk. Do I need popcorn? Nope. Can I live without it? Yep. But sometimes I just want to feel normal.

OP took the risk of feeling normal. It might have been the alcohol, it might have been the hot weather, it might have been random bad luck. She's decided it's not a risk she's willing to take in the future. That's a right and good thing, and her choice. Would anyone be saying the same if the stress of work caused the occasional seizure? Or going out in the heat? Not every time, but sometimes? That the OP should NEVER work, or NEVER go out in the heat? Of course not.

People with chronic illness lose SO much as a result of their illness, we don't need people who don't get it telling us we aren't perfect patients, and that includes our husbands. We get to make choices about our own lives, sometimes those choices don't work out. OP, you made some choices and they didn't work out. You won't make those same choices in the future. If you had been on a puking, blind drunk bender and you had a seizure every time you drank, your H might have a point, but that's not where we are.

He can react however he wants, he’s the one picking up the slack for the next 12 months, and had to deal with his children who were probably traumatised.
Also, why are you entitled to know what he was saying to his mother? If he was venting to her it’s understandable tbh.

Have you ever had an alcohol related seizure before? Is this something that your husband has been anxious about for a while, but you keep ignoring him?

Because it sounds like your doctor hasn't told you to stop drinking, you have a drink fairly often with no ill effects, your seizures were considered to be well controlled with medication, and you had no real reason to predict you might have a seizure this time round.

It's one thing to be frustrated if someone regularly puts their health at risk. But epilepsy is notoriously unpredictable. Only you know if you were genuinely reckless I guess.

This incident aside… you hinted on him withdrawing before this? What has been his behaviours? Sounds to me like this is a convenient excuse to lord it over you and put you on the back foot.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I understand the huge impact chronic illnesses can have and the massive learning curve necessary as you find a balance between living your life and being constantly scared that you will tip yourself over the edge. I can understand your husband is angry and I’ve no idea about the conversations you might have had previously about drinking but from what you say, he does sound particularly aggrieved And no doubt with good reason. However, I wonder if you can expand on the feeling that you’ve had recently that he no longer wants to be with you. Can you say why this is the case or why you have come to believe this? If you’re right, you should probably start to plan. Are you worried this is what he’s been speaking to his mother about?

Why post this. The OP knows she messed up but this doesn't help, nor does the husband ignoring her and refusing to discuss it.

The dc don’t need to be traumatised. They need to understand their dm has an illness that can cause seizures and as they get older how to help if they are on their own with their dm when a seizure happens.
Dc are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Back to the thread this morning and I’m an overwhelmed by some of the sanctimonious and horrible comments from people.
would you really be like this face to face to someone in real life? To your friends? Your family??
would you people really want someone talking to you the way you have commented on here for the OP?

Epilepsy is very unpredictable and sometimes there’s no triggers. OP has identified a possible trigger but as she has been ok in the past 2 years it could have been a total coincidence and it could have been the heat and dehydration that caused it. If she had a couple of drinks the day before it does dehydrate you also!
My husband is the one who has epilepsy.
i see how isolating it can make him feel,
loosing his independence. The guilt of our daughter seeing him have ‘a wobbly dance’ as she calls it. He feels guilty that I have to drive everywhere, he feels guilty that as a nurse I’ve had to change my work pattern and limit my role and hours due to his condition as his seizures are always on a evening or night time therefore can’t sleep alone…..
When he was nearly 2.5 years seizure free we both started to relax after the 1 year mark….he still didn’t sleep alone etc. Then randomly out of the blue he had a seizure…the day prior he had ran a half marathon and then went out to the football match. So it COULD have been over exertion. But he and ran half marathons prior etc and he hasn’t had a seizure.
So would that be ok with me being angry and frustrated because of this!?? As it’s the same as the OP?
Hell no!!
His mother acted the same as the OPs husband when she found out. I was LIVID with her!

Yes I’m the designated driver and things have had to change for his family! But I’m going to shame him for his medical condition!

If your DH wants you to not drink he should lead by example and also not drink. I know he doesn’t have epilepsy and it’s clear you shoudnt be drinking at this point but it’s not easy living with a condition like that and he should have a bit of empathy and support you . As for the kids seeing it well look when you have epilepsy there is always going to be a possibility of them seeing a seizure whether you drink or not . You have the condition and that’s that . It’s important that they know what to do if it happens again and they are with you (age dependent obviously)

I'll start by saying my oldest has T1 diabetes. Anyone who has a chronic illness has to modify their life in order to attempt to maintain reasonable health. Yes it is difficult, it might mean there are things you can't do, things that others take for granted. I'm with your DH on this one, if you think alcohol might, and I repeat might, bring on a seizure is it worth it? Is it worthwhile experimenting with it? In my opinion it's not, you know what might happen if you have a seizure, and sadly knocking the drinking on the head is better than running the risk.

Agree. I don't think he's unreasonable at all either.

I don't think you should feel stupid.

There seems to be an expectation that people with life-long conditions should be experts in those conditions, and keep constantly up to date with all relevant research and studies. You've clearly been under medical care and received medical advice, vague though 'limit alcohol' is. You've not got blind drunk; you have been 'limiting alcohol' below the threshold at which you'd get drunk, and you've been drinking infrequently.

It seems that it's either unfortunate, or a failure, that your consultant wasn't clearer about how you should 'limit alcohol' in practice. If they thought it was a good way of expressing that it'd be a really good idea for you to never drink again, that is what they should have said. That would have been clear, actionable advice, and you would then have chosen whether or not to follow that advice. You've followed the medical advice you've received. You've now re-assessed the risks and have decided not to drink again.

As a parallel, a majority of people know there's a correlation between being in the sea and drowning. None of us want our kids to drown. If we want to to everything possible to avoid our kids drowning, we should clearly never let our kids in the sea. Yet many of us let our kids play, swim, kayak, etc. in the sea, having taken the actions we know about to reduce the risk factors we are aware of - we teach them to swim, we supervise them, we keep them in water they can easily stand up in, we paddleboard where the RNLI might be able to reach us within a few hours, etc. You'd been told your mitigation was to 'limit alcohol', which you did.

Your recent seizure has been upsetting and traumatic for everyone, it has been one heck of a learning moment for you, and the consequences will make family logistics harder over the next year. You recognise that, and you've decided, and said, that you're not going to drink again, which is a really positive decision. I don't think there's much more you can do right now - you've taken responsibility, you understand he's feeling angry and disappointed (though, have you had the opportunity to validate his feelings? that's not clear from your previous posts), you've talked with your children. Unfortunately, you probably have some more days still to come of feeling dreadful about this, you husband is having a hard time dealing with it and probably needs some more time to process his response, and your family has a year of different logistical constraints, being down to one driver. All you can really control here is how to mitigate the impact you not being able to drive for the next year has on the family, and how you feel about this yourself. I don't think you should feel stupid. I do think you can reasonably feel poorly served by a consultant who didn't give you clear advice.

WTF! Consultant can’t confirm or deny a link, so she still goes on the lash, has a seizure in front of her children, seizures are scary for anyone let alone a child! Now can’t drive again for a year and wonders why DH is royal pissed at her! Firstly any possible link however tenuous should be enough for her not to drink! She’s put added pressure onto DH with regard to taking DC’s to school etc!

Up until her seizure at the weekend she had been sure free for at least a year as she was driving again, that suggests her seizures have been very well controlled! Her inability to control her drinking in a social situation has led to all this, so no wonder he’s angry with her!