Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Please stop this. Epilepsy is a medical condition and people who have epilepsy should not be shamed for having seizures and other people having to witness them.

This sort of shaming of people with epilepsy should have been left in the past. I’m
horrified that people are still doing it.

Oh ffs - how is she risking her life?
Show some bloody compassion. This is a life changing diagnosis and in the grand scheme of things, she is still early days.
It’s human behaviour to see how far limits could be pushed and OP found hers.

Do you ever drink, eat poorly, or not exercise enough?

Not sure what her husband's insistence has a to do with it as he's not communicating with her.

"Easy to say"? Still doesn't take away from the OP owing it from her first post onwards.

Op, I’m appalled by the lack of care and compassion your husband has, and how little credit he is giving your children

It really doesn't matter that he drinks more than you do - he's not the one with epilepsy

The OP was asked about her husband's drinking by a poster.

This is all on you OP
I love a drink but responsibilities come first

Do you genuinely think she would have drank and then drove?

well I’m glad I’m not the only one who this happens too! I had a seizure in 2021 after drinking and had been seizure free for 5 years till just over a month ago when it happened again.
I stopped drinking for nearly a year after my first seizure, also not a big drinker, but in those 5 years there had definitely been occasion's where I have drank a lot and been fine.
on both the occasions my seizures happen once I’d got home and into bed so within a short space of stopping drinking alcohol.
I am now diagnosed with Epilepsy, which they believe is triggered by alcohol, but they can’t be sure.
I can’t drive for a year either.
no more drinking for me!

i think posters are being very harsh to you OP. And many clearly have very little idea or experience of epilepsy. It sounds like your consultant stated their might be a link between alcohol and your seizures not that the link was definite.
Lots of things can trigger a seizure, the heat, lights, certain noises, medications, alcohol, dehydration, lack of sleep, the list goes on.
Finding out what your triggers are isn’t always easy especially if you’re in the fortunate position of not having had many seizures. Therefore whilst you can attempt to avoid your triggers it isn’t that simple. You can’t always live your life avoiding all potential triggers all of the time.

The most important thing is what you do going forwards. Avoiding alcohol would be a good idea and something that is relatively simple to cut out of your life.

but at the same time your husband does need to accept your diagnosis. Epilepsy has a habit of changing over time. And other things may become triggers in the future - and it’s not fair of him to blame you for not always being able to avoid all triggers forever.

Oh ffs - how is she risking her life?

An epileptic seizure can be fatal in itself. She could have been driving when it happened and crashed the car. She could have been holding one of their kids or fell down the stairs.. the possibilities really are endless when you suddenly blank out with no warning.

She knew there was link, she had been advised by her consultant to 'limit' her alcohol consumption, there is a whole host of information online that would tell her exactly what could happen if she overdid the drinking, but she did it anyway.

I have epilepsy, I do feel for OP for becoming complacent and thinking things are okay, and at the end of the day nothing bad has happened, her husband will calm down with enough time, he may also be running through all the worse things that could have happened.. it's normal human behaviour, especially when the kids were at risk.

This was probably meant to be the wake up call she needed to take it seriously now before something catastrophic happened.

You made an unwise choice but you are human.

What's your husband like typically? Is this a standard reaction - does he give you the silent treatment.

Without knowing his baseline reaction it's hard to know. I don't like his behaviour at all but it is possibly droven by fear.

Absolutely agree with @Bridgettjonesbaby

He's punishing you with the silent treatment and that’s not acceptable.

So you had a few too many. Once in a blue moon.

Yes, the seizure might have been difficult for your husband and kids to witness…but you don’t deserve this treatment.

The seizure happened the day after she had been drinking.

@TaupeBird From what you have said about your instincts telling you that he was already distancing perhaps to leave, I wonder if he has seized on this as his "GOTCHA". So he can now say "Well of course I left her because etc". What he wont do of course, despite slagging you off and painting you as a terrible mother, is take the kids with him (not that I am suggesting he should) because that wouldnt be the easy option would it? So many men slag off their exes for being shit mothers, but are happy to leave the kids there and see them EOW.

I think your DH realised you might have had a seizure when driving. That will scare anyone. He just imagined you might have been driving with your kids.
My aunt suffered from Epilepsy. I know a lot about living with this condition.

Also sounds like he has decided that it is definitely alcohol so if she has another seizure, having not had a single drink, he will assume she is lying. Frankly, I dont see this ending well.

Jesus, take a chill pill, will you?

OP did limit her drinking, she said she only felt minor effects, and she wouldn't have been driving if having a couple of drinks anyway, would she? So don't try and make her feel worse than she already does by making out she could have killed people. She's on her medication and followed her doctor's advice to drink sensibly. Her husband is being absolutely horrible by refusing to speak to her for days on end. That is not playing fair. The silent treatment is well-known to be a form of abuse. There's no reason why he couldn't have used his words and communicated to her that he's too upset to talk with her right now and needs some time to cool off. But no, he's just ignoring her. Because having a seizure and being banned from driving for a year isn't horrible enough, apparently. She appears to need her husband to treat her like a ghost in her own home for days on top of that. We're all human, and I expect HE would like some grace when he messes up, like we all would.

How would she have had a seizure while driving if she was having a couple of drinks? She wouldn't have been driving, would she?

No excuse for days of the silent treatment from her husband.

OP come on.

You said there is a link and you choose to drink as you got complacent which you said yourself.

it isn’t hard - you have a condition and you can’t drink. So don’t drink. If you were deathly allergic to nuts would you have a bit of peanut butter once in a while?

You put a few drinks and night of fun ahead of your children, husband and self.

You now can’t drive which directly affects your family life.

I would be absolutely livid and feel wxactly the same as your OH.

It was probably preventable and if you didn’t drink and had a seizure your OH would have been supportive and fine.

This is your wake up call and you need to make amends.

100 % this. Enough of the shaming. Like it's not hard enough having to manage a chronic condition.

Ask your husband if he is so worried to stop drinking in order to support you. He sounds selfish and holier than thou. Maybe he has never considered what his drinking around you does to you.

This is your wake up call and you need to make amends

What amends do you have in mind? What would suit this case?

The OP has taken full responsibility for her actions and the determination not to do it again.
She has spoken to her children.
Making amends on not drinking is day by day.

Not sure what amends she can make to the DH who won't discuss things with her.

There was another thread about epilepsy here the other day. Equally clear there that most people have absolutely no understanding of epilepsy and that there still exists a lot of blame and prejudice towards epileptics. OP, you’ve had some helpful replies but also a lot of aggressive, ignorant replies. Please stop beating yourself up.

For all the Google-told-me smug non-epileptics answering, the main triggers for most people are missing meds, stress and tiredness. And that means completely regular amounts of tiredness or stress that could cause most people no problem at all, and that really can’t be avoided all the time. It’s not easy to learn triggers or predict when a potential trigger might actually cause a seizure, often it’s a combination. Thankfully most epileptics are not having regular enough seizures for patterns to be quickly apparent.

I’ve been epileptic since aged 11. Have had periods of very regular seizures, 3-year stretches seizure-free (incidentally when I was an irresponsible student, drinking way too much), and the last 5 years or so of every 2 months like clockwork because mothering a normal toddler is tiring.

OP, epilepsy is tiring and unpredictable and NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesn’t sound like you were being massively irresponsible. Yes, hard for your husband and kids to witness, but his reaction is disproportionate and unsupportive.

It’s highly unlikely that epilepsy will kill you.

And your husband is being way more irresponsible than you and putting his life at much higher risk if he’s drinking every weekend. More likely he will have a dangerous fall than you. And I bet you don’t give him 3 days of silent treatment when you have to deal with his hangover. Does he honestly have no health conditions that you deal with fall-out from? He never gets a migraine? A bad back that could have been avoided if he did Pilates? Snoring that could be reduced if he ate less? A bad stomach from overdoing spicy food? A nasty sunburn? I guess all the others on this thread are in perfect health too?

Honestly if you feel there is more to your relationship problems than this, you should trust your instincts. My partner would NEVER treat me this way.

Also, drinking is a big risk factor for seizures in non-epileptics too btw, so I hope all the perfect posters on here are teetotal.

Give him time, OP.

It's an awful situation all around; I understand why people are being so harsh, and I see their perspective and agree with many of their points at the same time. It sounds like your consultant wasn't too clear about the reality of the risks you'd be taking by drinking alcohol, and, understandably, you trusted your consultant and probably didn't look into it much further. I think a lot of people assume that everyone is going to be well-versed in patient self-advocacy and the unfortunate necessity of having to double-check everything when it comes to chronic illness, when in reality nobody at the doctors tells you to do so when you get diagnosed. It comes with experience, and it's trial-and-error. Unfortunately, this was the error.

I also understand that it's very hard to come to terms with how dangerous epilepsy can really be, especially when it's a relatively recent development that you've managed to control pretty well. I don't have epilepsy or loved ones with it, but I can only imagine how difficult the sudden loss in freedom must be. You suddenly have this huge pressure on you to consider how everything could potentially be a seizure risk, and then how those seizures can lead to even greater risks. It's a lot to come to terms with, for both of you. I'd be surprised if there are people in your situation who haven't got complacent with the risks at least once, whether that be not taking their medication as regularly as they should or exposing themselves to a risk factor such as alcohol. Then when those risks play out, you have to come to terms with having lost those freedoms a second time.

I think your DH is probably lashing out due to the very real fear of witnessing someone have a seizure, spurred on by the justifiable anger behind it as well. This will obviously have a huge impact on his day-to-day life with taking on all of the driving, as well as the reignited fear of you suffering another seizure. That's not to say that the silent treatment itself is ever a justified response, let alone in an adult relationship with children, but that I can see why he feels the way he does. I'm really hoping he comes around soon and you can have a proper talk about things, OP, because you both need each other's support right now. Try not to beat yourself up too much over it because it's clear you're well aware of your mistakes here, continue as you are by focusing on your DCs and getting yourself back to 100%. I hope you're feeling better in yourself as well, and I hope your DH is willing to work things out and starts talking to you again soon.