I looked ‘atrocious’

[whatgoeson23]

That’s what my boyfriend of 12 years said I looked like when I went to a friend’s wedding at the weekend. I had my hair and makeup done, and I wore a lovely dress that everyone complimented me on. However, yesterday he told me that I looked atrocious in the dress. I was honestly taken aback because I felt lovely in it, and I thought that even if you did think that, you wouldn’t say it to someone. He was in a foul mood when I went to get my hair and makeup done and barely spoke to me for most of the morning. Then he threatened not to come back in time to have the kids so that I could attend the wedding. He does this to me all the time. Whenever I go out, he threatens not to come back to look after the children. He says it’s because I make an effort with my appearance and he doesn’t like it. But he never takes me anywhere where I would have the opportunity to make an effort. I just think he can be cruel at times, and I honestly don’t know how I’ve put up with it for so long. I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

I was going to say - my DH doesn’t do this. This isn’t normal male behaviour. This is abuser behaviour.

This is coercive behaviour then isnt it? You didnt look atrocious, you looked attractive and he felt insecure. So instead of working that hes bullying you with insults and refusing to parent his children to control you and keep you in the house.

I dont say this often, but I dont like bullies and this behaviour risks escalation.. I dont have any patience for nasty. I also worry if you have a DD what youre letting him show her about what "love" looks like, how a man should treat her. So id be LTB

This in capital letters. You deserve so much more.

I am glad this thread has given you a lens through which to view your relationship.

Be careful OP, because the whole intention and effect of this kind of emotional abuse is to isolate you, destroy your self esteem - and bit by bit remove the very strength, confidence and self-belief you need to rescue you from such a relationship.

Gather your resolve, look at the practical solutions, get help and support from friends and family and make your escape before he does more damage to you and your kids.

Yes, they see it, yes, they hear it.

I cant say this often enough but change ALL of your passwords for EVERYTHING

Not many ducks though. With no marriage you won’t be entitled to much despite having children and damaging your pension to have them. How many children do you have? Do you own the house 50/50. I would honestly have a look at him and see what a solicitor thinks

Having read your post, YOU deserve so much better. Why any man has to put down his partner is beyond me.

@ByPinkOP you need to up your game, tell the idiot to do one.

Does he have control of your finances or any other areas of your life?

The bad news is that your boyfriend is a cunt who doesn't like you. The good news is that he's not remotely hidden that, so you can clearly see what a shit heap of a human he is. And that part is really, really good news.
Keep making those plans to leave and let people here help you. MN is a wealth of knowledge, sadly mostly from other women who've survived relationships with scummy men like this but who have moved on to much better things.
Let him say what he likes, safe in the knowledge that it's not remotely true and it just a pathetic attempt to grind you down. Hear it all, but instead use it to fire you up to dump the asshole and start living the life you and your kids deserve.

Attila speaks sense, as always, on this topic.

You looked lovely, don’t doubt it.

He’s a weak pathetic man, trying to control you and shatter your confidence.

Please leave him. Please.

He's insecure and nasty and immature.

Ex husband was like this. Told me I dressed like a slag if I wore jeans, would spoil any night out I tried to have and I stopped in the end.
leaving him was the best thing I did for myself

hope you have a route out

You looked lovely but he’s trying to bully you. Probably angry having to look after his own children. There’s loads out there like this unfortunately.

I'm sorry OP but this is an abusive and controlling relationship. He isn't even hiding it - he tells you clearly that he's punishing you because you made an effort with your appearance - classic coercive control, only difference is that men would usually dress it up as something else. Please seek help to get away from this man.

Glad to hear you’re planning to LTB. Lots of very sensible women here if you need practical advice on how to do it.

This! Urgent, immediate don’t soften. He sounds awful and it’s worrying you have taken this for so long.

At least you are planning to leave, don't leave it too long, OP.

Leave him. Nothing else needs to be said.

Have you put on weight, this is a shitty thing chilly men say when their partner has gained weight.

He's jealous and scared you going to leave him for someone else.

When you leave, tell him you're leaving for yourself .

It’s because you were going somewhere else and spending time with others narcs have to have them be the centre of everything and by creating an argument you are thinking about him and not the wedding or wherever it’s me me me me me me me me once you’ve seen it you can’t unsee it everything is about them. It might be time to say byeeeeeeee

He’s insecure and scared you will leave him so he’s trying to make you feel crap in the hope you won’t realise you could do so much better than an abusive negging arsehole like him. Please don’t believe him, I’m sure you looked amazing.

This is abusive controlling behaviour. It will not get better.

@whatgoeson23
Because you're in the absolute middle of it you're now only just starting to realise
How long before you recieve your first "put you back in your place" slap
Leave this sour spiteful petty man
Before it gets physical
You need a decent man not a whiny aggressive sea you en tee....

Time to put this horrible fucker in the bin.

His personality is majorly flawed and he will never change. Think of him like a cancer that needs to be cut out before he damages your self esteem irreparably. Hopefully he hasn’t affected your DC too!!

Also, who needs enemies when you’ve got a git like this lying in your bed!!

Well known type of man - any event that isn't all about him, he has to make everyone else's life a misery. Some of them sulk, some of them throw tantrums, some of them get spiteful, some do all of those.

Get rid of him, it won't get any better.