I looked ‘atrocious’

[whatgoeson23]

That’s what my boyfriend of 12 years said I looked like when I went to a friend’s wedding at the weekend. I had my hair and makeup done, and I wore a lovely dress that everyone complimented me on. However, yesterday he told me that I looked atrocious in the dress. I was honestly taken aback because I felt lovely in it, and I thought that even if you did think that, you wouldn’t say it to someone. He was in a foul mood when I went to get my hair and makeup done and barely spoke to me for most of the morning. Then he threatened not to come back in time to have the kids so that I could attend the wedding. He does this to me all the time. Whenever I go out, he threatens not to come back to look after the children. He says it’s because I make an effort with my appearance and he doesn’t like it. But he never takes me anywhere where I would have the opportunity to make an effort. I just think he can be cruel at times, and I honestly don’t know how I’ve put up with it for so long. I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

I would bet that you didn’t look atrocious, you looked absolutely stunning which is why this idiot felt insecure enough to lash out! Yes, I have been in a relationship (ex husband) who was exactly like this and worse (he genuinely would not and has not looked after his own children). Thankfully, I saw the light of day fairly quickly and have a wonderful relationship with a man that would never treat me like this. There is no way in hell I would tolerate it a second time!

Do you really need people to tell you this is wrong?? You wont leave him

This. Can't put it better.

I've had a boyfriend like this in the past. Insecure, inadequate, vicious and spiteful when threatened. I once wrote a letter to an errant landlord and he turned equally nasty because I'd used some big words he didn't know. He did the same, go out and hold not coming back over me. A pathetic little power move from a waste of oxygen.

I'd be willing to bet you looked lovely at the wedding and that's why he was raging. If you'd actually looked 'atrocious' he'd have been delighted as he would have felt unthreatened.

If he's so bothered about you making an effort it makes no sense that he says he doesn't want to be with you. But men like this are irrational anyway so it's pointless looking for sense out if them.

Just bin him off. He's a useless waste of space sucking the joy out of your life. Don't waste another day on him.

My only regret after binning mine was that I didn't do it sooner

Sorry OP but as people have said he is abusive because he's insecure and jealous. I bet you looked utterly beautiful and he is worried other men would find you attractive. He's horrible and belittles you because he's an abuser with no love or respect for you. You need to leave this toxic man and go live your best life without him.

Kick him to the kerb. What an utter twat. However, now I’ve got that off my chest, talk to him and see what the real problem is. Is he wanting to improve things between you and us not happy with something in the relationship or actually with himself, or is he a narcissist and you actually do need to ditch him. Look at his pattern of behaviour. Does he make any effort with you? Treat you well?

It's very much not normal.

Do you really think so little of yourself that this is the life you are choosing for yourself?

OP he is quite clearly abusive and controlling. You deserve better.

That's not a 'boyfriend ' thats a jealous pathetic abuser

He's an insecure man child who can only make himself feel better by making you feel rubbish.

Life can only get better, OP.

My ex (note.. EX) used to do this to me.

he was abusive too. 10 years I wasted with him.

now, I want you to take a moment and breathe. Clear your mind and just think logically.

you had your hair and makeup done by a professional MUA. She would not be a professional MUA if her clients looked atrocious, would she? Think! Honestly you already know the answer to this.

your friends and family TOLD you that you looked amazing. If you looked atrocious, I promise you nobody would have said anything? The fact that they did means that they meant it.

Make this your rock bottom, make your only objective in life to leave him. Seriously. It won’t be a quick thing to do, but you have to do it.

im about to get married on Thursday to my DP of 10 years 😍

we went out on Saturday to a glam party his friends threw. Last night he told me that I was one of the most beautiful there, that someone even said to him that they’d heard we were getting married and that he could see why, that I was stunning.

im almost 60 years old 😊, im not used to compliments EVER.

get yourself a man who adores you. Or not. Even alone you’ll feel better about yourself than with him in your life.

He will start on the kids, you know this?

Please take that step and leave. I stuck 40 years with my husband. I had no confidence, was comfort eating, in poor health. Once the dust had settled I mentioned to a friend that I had loved the parties we were invited to. She told me that everyone stopped inviting us because he was obnoxiuos to people and usually drunk. Don't let that happen to you. My husband of 20 years is totally the opposite . Tells me when I look good compliments a hair do. So different. You deserve better

I don't have any good advice, OP, just wanted to say don't wait long to leave - life will be so much better afterwards. It sounds like a run don't walk situation.

You need a clear plan and to speak to a solicitor re the house and children etc. You do need to leave him... its no way to live.
Get in touch with Women's Aid for advice. Do you have anyone separate from him that could support you?

I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

You know his behaviour isn't right, so why does it matter if other women have equally bad partners as you? Are you looking to get advice from women who tolerate their horrible partners more than you do?

Clearly, you've got yourself a man who can't cope with a woman who feels an ounce of basic confidence in herself, because he knows even a slightly confident woman would never, ever choose HIM. That's why he doesn't like it when you look nice for events (and never takes you anywhere nice, himself). And that's why he resorts to degradating and humiliating you - his aim is to chip at your confidence so that you'll never feel like you can do better than him (and set boundaries and make demands on him).

He sounds horrible and it’s his behaviour that’s atrocious.

Glad you’re planning to leave.

What sort of man speaks to his wife and the mother of his children this way, controlling you and putting you down? A shitty little man, that’s who.

He’s not a ‘good dad’. He is teaching your children that it’s acceptable to behave in this way. He’s an abuser. Fuck him.

Oh OP this is not ok, it's shocking. Good luck leaving this vile man.

Sending you all the strength to leave this twisted POS!

coercive control is finally being taken seriously by the courts now so I would consider speaking to the police and your local domestic abuse service.

you should have replied 'Really? I had LOADS of compliments, in fact (insert random man's name) said I looked stunning!'

But yes, nothing to add that pp's haven't already said - it's not normal and you shouldn't stand for it.

No, most men don't actually. Just the twats.

What he is doing is abusive. He is trying to make you feel bad on purpose so you don’t enjoy yourself or maybe even cancel plans.

It is scary to leave but I think you should start looking at a way out.

Obviously by atrocious he means "stunning" and "out of his league" and he's too insecure to have a beautiful girlfriend that KNOWS she's beautiful leaving the house without him.

Yes, I had an ex like this, a long time ago and we didn't have kids do it was a bit easier to leave, but he would say I was fat (at the time I weighed 71/2 stone and was a size 8) all the time, he said clothes didn't look right on me, he didn't buy a birthday present or even a card one year, and then he stopped kissing me. I'd go to kiss him and he'd turn his head away. And when we had sex, he still wouldn't kiss me he'd flip me over so he couldn't even see my face and it was horrible. There were a lot of other, worse things as well that I won't go into here but he basically eradicated what little self worth I had and left me feeling like I was nothing.
He earned more than me but eventually I remember thinking my freedom was more important than being financially secure and I got out.
After that he was contrition personified and told everyone he felt terrible for the way he'd treated me but men like this will never change once they start putting you down.
I hope you can leave soon and find the peace and happiness you so deserve. Xx

You’re a lucky lady. How fantastic to find a man like that. Wish they were all like him

The only time that the phrase 'you look absolutely atrocious' is ever appropriate in a relationship is when you're hustling them off to bed to rest because they've got flu and need to be pushed into slowing down - it's then followed by 'stop arguing with me, you are going to bed, I will deal with everything and I'll bring you up some soup when the kids are sorted'. Or when you're about to go to a fancy dress party and he's emerged from the bedroom dressed as a large banana

He wanted to make you miserable at the wedding, thinking you looked awful because he'd already failed to force you to cancel by threatening to not look after the children.

Leave this pathetic prick and live somewhere else in peace with a babysitting app on your phone so that you are never, ever reliant upon him to go anywhere.

You’ve summed it up. He’s not the man for you. Get everything sorted and get him to leave. It’s so hard to do but worth it x