I looked ‘atrocious’

[whatgoeson23]

That’s what my boyfriend of 12 years said I looked like when I went to a friend’s wedding at the weekend. I had my hair and makeup done, and I wore a lovely dress that everyone complimented me on. However, yesterday he told me that I looked atrocious in the dress. I was honestly taken aback because I felt lovely in it, and I thought that even if you did think that, you wouldn’t say it to someone. He was in a foul mood when I went to get my hair and makeup done and barely spoke to me for most of the morning. Then he threatened not to come back in time to have the kids so that I could attend the wedding. He does this to me all the time. Whenever I go out, he threatens not to come back to look after the children. He says it’s because I make an effort with my appearance and he doesn’t like it. But he never takes me anywhere where I would have the opportunity to make an effort. I just think he can be cruel at times, and I honestly don’t know how I’ve put up with it for so long. I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

I think men do tho, it's like a power thing, he brings her down, makes her feel crappy and gives himself a pat on the back for doing it.

Whenever I go out, he threatens not to come back to look after the children. He says it’s because I make an effort with my appearance and he doesn’t like it

That's textbook coercive control.

It was nothing to do with your appearance. He’s just a controlling AH trying to stop you from going anywhere without him and wants to try to damage your self confidence.

It sounds like he doesn't like you having your own life. I bet you looked beautiful. Don't let him tear you down anymore.

He is clearly very insecure and controlling much like my first husband who would call me disgustingly fat if I put on a pound in weight, despite me being 5 foot 5 and size 8.
He sounds just horrible, I don't blame you for leaving. Me leaving my H was the best thing I ever did.

I’m a very forgiving person but if a partner told me I look atrocious they’d only say it once.

You don’t need to be with someone that hates you.

Fulfil his stated wishes and make him happy one last time. Remove yourself from his life.

Yours will be SO much better.

(The very last straw with my ex-H was when he didn't look at me or talk to me for a week. My crime? I'd got a compliment from three random strangers on my swimming. Literally a 1 minute conversation about lake-swimming, never saw them before, never saw them again. Life is INCREDIBLY better without him, although my confidence will never be what it was)

My H was like this. He managed to ruin all & every occasion, & thing I did on my own.
Didn't want me to go out, do sport, tried to stop every enterprise I undertook. He tried to ostracise me from my family & friends. Sulked, gave me the silent treatment
A vile, jealous, controlling bastard bully

I’m glad you can see how wrong this is, and even more glad you’re leaving. I’m 47 and my OH of 16 years worships the ground I walk on, adores my body and sort of short-circuits with lust when I dress up. Your current OH appears to resent you when you’re at your best. This shows he is deeply insecure and doesn’t even like you. Run, very quickly!

The threatening to arrive kate is a major red flag, at best it is an exercise to show you he is the one in charge, at worse an constant action to separate you from your family/friends/networks of support.

Leave before you normalise the abuse, and do that asap (that may take a few months to organise though),but you need to leave before you lose your strength and confidence and he becomes even more controlling.

Are the kids hearing him abuse and belittle their mum?

Make sure you dont take too long when getting ducks in a row. You have to leave this man.

I don’t use the word abuse lightly (it’s far too liberally used on these forums) but getting jealous of you looking nice (and name calling) or having an event, whilst then putting you on edge you can’t attend as punishment - I’d class as abuse/control tactics.

www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-emotional-abuse-5209555

I've said it before and I'll say it again - a good dad doesn't treat his children's mother like this. He is abusive.

They say calling treatment abuse is used too often on mumsnet. I disagree. Women are posting here with problems in their relationships. Often the same kind of problems. They aren’t here to chat about good relationships. They are here to vent or ask for opinions on what feels like a problem. So the term is going to be correct in most cases .

He is being abusive, emotionally abusive, trying to destroy your self esteem .

He has low self esteem himself and needs to put you down to make himself feel superior. He carries on doing it because you accept it and he can.
He wants you to not go out. He wants to isolate you. He is deliberately cruel and twisted. He won’t change and you don’t want children growing up thinking that’s how relationships are. That it’s normal.
I had 2 husbands and a bf like that…the first wasn’t often, because our lifestyle meant I didn’t go out, meet people, have friends. It only occurred at Christmas when there was socialising, so was soon forgotten each year. The second..yeah, well. Glad no children were involved, but I learned a lot about men like that from being with him. You are right to plan to leave. Don’t wait too long. Preferably go when he’s not present. Don’t tell him you are going till you are safely away.

Good dads don't insult and verbally abuse their children's mother.

Have you checked at what benefits you'll be entitled to? If he is employed and has them every other weekend your income may be higher than you think. Use this calculator: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ and this one: https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

You might be a bit poorer but you'll be much happier.

I never say this flippantly on here and I know it's a bit of a cliche but in this case it's also perfect.....

LEAVE. THE. BASTARD!

Life is too precious and way to short to spend it with a man who belittles you.

Sorry OP;
this isn’t normal at all. I’m glad you’re planning to leave

Just go lovely. As soon as you possibly can. He's using the kids to control you. Don't let them grow up seeing that it's ok to treat you so badly. Do everything legally as I think this type of man will still use the kids to manipulate you after you leave. ❤️

Get rid of him. He is a dick

Just because you’ve been together for 12 years doesn’t mean you need to waste another second.

Nasty bastard.

Only unhappy, abusive marriages have men like this in them.

He's 100% definitely not a good dad.

Oh dear, he's not enough of a man to feel secure in himself, so he wants to make you feel shit about yourself, and prevent you going out and finding someone better than him (which wouldn't be difficult, by the sound of it).

See his shit for exactly what it is - all aimed at bringing you down, keeping you at home and keeping you lacking in confidence.

Bin.

I am not ignoring anyone I’ve been in work so going to have a read through when I have put the kids to bed. But I just want to thank you all for giving your advice. Thank you x