How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

Wilshing you all the best OP, and don't listen to the posters castigating you for being the 'lives far away' one who supposedly leaves everything to their sibling and just swans in occasionally. Nobody plans their lives like that.

We had similar with an elderly relative several years ago, one sibling living just a few miles away, one 200 miles away and the other several thousands. You can only do what you can do depending on where you live.

Your sister is prob exausted and stressed , she is living with your dads terminal diagnosis prob on a day to day basis supporting your mum , you live far away and although distressed about your dad are not in the eye of the storm so to speak. Your sisters husband may be putting pressure on her too to help his sister . Find a cheap hotel if possible even if slightly out of area if you feel safer . Try and talk it over when you are together and still mind the dog .

It does sound as if it will sort itself out.

If SIL is still there when the dog needs looking after I might suggest that she do it.

Likewise if you have to pay to stay somewhere when you visit for your mum's bday I might say that you'll need help with the travel fare if you are needed to look after the dog.

My brother acted, I believe, very badly towards me when my dad died. I took the views that I was not going to fall out with him and do, despite a lot of provocation, I haven't. So he got what he wanted and I didn't but tbh a lot of it is minor in the scheme of things. I too live far away. He too suggested a hotel - we would need 2 rooms as we have an adult daughter with additional needs and I reckon it would have cost about £1500 for a week. Airbnb type accommodation of course is cheaper.

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I also think your sister had probably reached her limit. My sister also lives far away and, although our relationship is strong, she really doesn’t have a clue about the demands and expectations placed on me, as I live close by. My boundaries are set, and I manage them, but the pressure is real. You asking her what she suggests is probably what tipped her over. Move past it and put it down to an overload of stress.

All of that.

I was the lucky sibling who lived a long way from my mother. My brother lived on the same road as her. You have just skimmed over all the support that your sister has to give your parents day after day, by saying 'well I can't help it'. That's not enough. I recognised my privilege day after day, and while I did whatever I could do from a distance, I simply didn't have the daily stress and responsibility that my brother did.

As for the SIL, presumably it was your sister's husband who put his foot down (quite rightly, in my opinion) re taking her in. My own younger daughter did exactly the same for her sister when the latter's relationship broke up, and her DH was nothing but supportive of that.

So your sister is managing your parents daily, and, like you, starting to mourn her dad. She has a dog with health issues and a SIL suddenly living with her at the worst possible time, and she'll have felt shit about having to tell you you can't stay.
But instead of empathising, you made it clear that you expected her to fix your problem.

You've been massively unfair, and frankly, selfish.

ETA sorry, I missed the last page with your update in it. I'm very glad that you and your sister are now on good terms again.

Thank you for the further replies - I agree, my sister had reached the end of her tether. I'm very glad I didn't react hastily over dog sitting etc. and we have been able to restore understanding.

As @OutOfApricots says, there are limits to what I can do, but I will continue to do what I can and cut my sister all the slack she needs if she is hasty with me.

Just to answer a point, I don't think either of us would put the dog before our parents; at the time my sister got him, she couldn't foresee how things would turn out, but now he is here, he is very loved and a great comfort to my sister and BIL, and his needs have to be met.

Thank you once more everyone for taking the time to offer perspectives.

1. Let things cool down and blow over before you contact her again.

1. Get some kind of foldable zbed to use and stay at your Mother's No need to stay at your sister's. then at all.

1. Ditch the dog sitting completely. Feel sorry for the dog. But it is really not your problem or a priority. Plus you are saving them a fortune. You hardly live just around the corner

1. Any problems with husband's relatives are his and your sisters to deal with Don't be dragged into them.

1. You have been far too accommodating in the past. With some people you can never give them enough.

They always want more. And l am not referring to your dear parents

Love and Best Wishes to your Mum and Dad..

I also hate these kind of injustices! But, in this situation, you’ll have to ‘yes that’s how I feel’, but set it aside. You can decide whether to raise it later - but you’ll probably find it isn’t worth it.
There might be an AirBnB nearby - with the added bonus of being able to retreat from all the real grief and the family- created stress!

Sisters unfortunately can be ....s

Check out the hotels and ignore her but don't dog sit.

I appreciate that there is a limit to what you can do remotely and can empathise because it was my situation. Looking back, you can probably now see how trying to make it her problem … might have felt a bit like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

However you left it with her, an honest apology for your response in the moment might go a long way towards helping her feel you are on her side rather than being yet another thing needing to be sorted