How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

I get that, and I get that logistically it's not possible for you to take on more of the load, but you need to be incredibly grateful to your sister and understanding of just how much she has to deal with. That's all. I'm not saying I think you should be doing XYZ, just that you probably should have just accepted that she can't put you up and not made a thing of it. You didn't, so now you have to accept that the way she spoke to you was a build up of an amount of physical, mental, and emotional stress that (luckily for you) you don't know the half of.

I think that your sister living near your parents has ended up doing the majority of things your parents needed help with. Even before your father became seriously ill she was probably doing all the tech stuff, dealing with getting jobs done in your parents home, sorting out there appointments and possibly driving them to these.
Perhaps one or both of your parents could have some cognitive decline as well.

At the moment she is dealing with your seriously ill father. Your mother could be finding this hard to deal with mentally especially if your father looked after her, the house and finances for years. Your sister could be listening to constant moaning ect from her. She could also be getting up a few times a night as your father needs help.
Then her sil has moved into her home due to some crisis. Then your complaint of not being able to stay with her could have been the final straw for her.

Your sister is probably physically and mentally exhausted and badly needs a break. Your need to sort out other accommodation and when you go back to the area make sure to sort out things for your mother's birthday. Also get your brother in law to take her out for the odd meal etc when you're there.

In regards to the dog sitting I would not refuse to do this. She may not be able to go on this holiday when the time comes due to your father's health. If she is able to go she will need that break both physically and mentally.

I have seen friends dealing with elderly parents and it can be both physically and mentally draining. Getting some help and having a break can help. One of my friends ended up doing the majority of care after her mother had an unexpected health issue for several weeks. Her mother expected my friend to do the care. Meanwhile her mother was not happy with her situation at the time and quite verbal about this.
My friends siblings did as little as possible then.
As a result of this my friend is making plans to ensure they are not as available going forward and are keeping quiet about there plans.

Sorry - I was agreeing with You!

Get a blow up bed and stay at your parents tell your sister your no longer able to look after the dog in september or in the future, if she moans tell her to put it in a kennel and grow the fuck up.

I think if your sister had started the first message with eg "Very sorry, SIL having family crisis and is now staying with us, not ideal but can you stay with parents or a hotel?" you wouldn't have sent the snotty reply back. It was the lack of acknowledgment from her that there was any inconvenience to you that set the tone. Then your message back just (understandably) lit the fuse. Glad you now have the perspective of people who understand the pressure your Dsis is under and you can now get why this happened.

So is OP’s dad!!!!!! They are siblings! Why is is worse for the sister than op who only gets to see him when she can so is missing the last few months of his life essentially? The sister isn’t looking after their father as he’s in hospice. The ill old dog can be dealt with very simply if she can’t be doing with the stress and the sister in law has a home she can go back to doesn’t she?

no OP I wouldn’t be dog sitting ever again and certainly DONT give her that expensive item!! She is probably trying to keep the peace as has realised you hold all the eggs in the basket

While your there you can help your mum get these things collected by the nursing/care people as they will want them back and it’ll
help your mum get space back in her house back too

Sorry are you suggesting she puts down her dog because its inconvenient?

The dad isnt currently in hospice. He is still at home

Regardless the facts are in most situations the siblings that live closest end up doing lots of hidden labour that ends up. All those little tasks of picking up prescriptions, driving to appts might not be massive on their own, but may mean its hard for the sister to get a proper full couple of days where she's not dealing with tasks and calls.

Obviously its hard being away from ill relatives but ultimately that was a choice that the OP made. The sibling didn't chose to be the only local support, and might have had to stay local knowing that when these situations play out how difficult it is if you dont have at least one kid locally

@SweetSwallows but what you can do is not make your inconvenience her problem.

I do understand why she kicked off.
She has a hell of a lot on her plate. She has no more bandwidth.
She is doing the grunt work of care every day

You have agency to book your own hotel room for this visit.

I do agree with others that because of your sporadic visits you're are the care equivalent of a 'Disney Dad'

I'm rather invested in finding out what SILs massive family problem is.

Has she left her husband because he beats her horribly and she has no where else to go? Fair enough, she trumps you, @SweetSwallows

Or has her pet rabbit died?

You get my drift. For me, SIL is taking precedence here and we're all assuming that's absolutely reasonable and @SweetSwallowsshould back down and accept the huge inconvenience to her summer holiday

But I'm wondering......especially as @SweetSwallowshas alluded to SIL and family being quite lacking in luck (drama laden?)

I hate it when posters tell the OP to 'grow up'. It's so condescending and unfair. OP was caught off guard about not being able to stay with her sister and it's obvious that OP isn't well off and can't afford a hotel. She is coming to help her mum celebrate her birthday at a very difficult time for the whole family. Her sister is obviously at the end of her tether and OP caught her at the wrong moment. OP's sister is kind to let OP stay with her when she comes to see her parents but OP is also kind to spend her annual leave dog-sitting, saving them the cost of kennels while incurring the cost of travelling to her sister's house herself.

There isn't a villain in this scenario. OP's initial response was possibly a bit tone-deaf but she was caught off-guard and her sister's angry response also wasn't acceptable but was probably understandable given the pressure that she is under. They both do stuff to help each other and their parents.

I imagine it was the 'what do you suggest' that might have promoted her reaction. She's told you they have sil due to a family crisis and you're then expecting her to solve your problem for you. I imagine she's rather fed up of solving everyone else's problems and having everyone lean on her if she's already a carer to your parents and now sil is with them needing support.

So, I have a positive update. I sent my sister a very brief, reply-obviously-not expected message this afternoon asking how she was doing, hoping SIL was OK and mentioning that she sounded at the end of her tether yesterday (not in an accusing way, in a poor you sort of way).

I got quite a long reply saying in a nutshell yes, she had been very wound up, and summarising her day which had involved a worrying issue with doggie, having to sort something out with dad's meds and then the SIL thing happening, and she thanked me for my understanding, so it feels like we are back to our normal good relationship and yesterday can be put down to being terse initially due to being busy and then 'last straw syndrome.'

Thank you again for all replies which have helped my perspective on this issue. There are things I can't change or influence and that has to be accepted but I will continue to do what I can from where I am. Dad will be moving to the hospice soon; that may bring its own issues as how Mum will cope with that is uncertain but we both hope it will make things easier for everyone.

@SweetSwallows that is such a positive update. It’s rare indeed that a poster takes on board advice given on a thread and takes direct action, so I commend you for that.

@SweetSwallowsI’m so pleased to read your update. Sisters are precious, and it would be such a shame (for you all) if you weren’t able to lean on each other during the difficult times that are ahead.

give her a hug, enjoy your time with your family.

I sent my sister a very brief, reply-obviously-not expected message this afternoon asking how she was doing, hoping SIL was OK and mentioning that she sounded at the end of her tether yesterday (not in an accusing way, in a poor you sort of way).

Did you apologise in this "brief reply"?

I second that @rookiemere
Well done @SweetSwallows

You are coming across as very self absorbed and selfish OP. It's all about you, what you can do, how you feel with very little thought for your sister. Your sister has no choice, based on where she chose to live, she doesn't have the excuses you do, and if it doesn't suit her to do everything, it doesn't actually matter, she has to sort it out anyway. I was your sister in this situation and how my siblings conducted themselves when my parent was ill has damaged our relationship forever. They had no consideration of the sacrifices I made, how caring engulfed my whole life, how I felt I was letting my children down. She doesn't need to sort out your accommodation, that is on you and the fact that you are willing to pull out of actually supporting her to get a well deserved break shows how nasty you actually are.

I'm so pleased that you're both on good terms again. Having a supportive sister is worth its weight in gold.

@SweetSwallows well done on reflecting and checking in with your sister

If SIL is staying at DSis house, is she likely to still be there in September? Or at least, still somewhere local? I’d be inclined to explore from that angle rather than a “I just don’t want to do it now as I’m hurt and angry”. The background for you is the same, but framing to DSis can avoid escalation and gives you an out from the commitment.

And when DF moves to hospice, maybe it would be sensible (once the paraphernalia has gone) to stay with her to help support her - not pressuring SIL to move from DSis house, but it sounds like they are close enough you could visit (with bottle of wine to just talk it out maybe), without having to stay at that point.

This is very well put. I come down on your sister’s side as well but I also give you kudos for helping her with the dog but it will never compare to the effort she is shouldering on your behalf with your parents.

Perhaps she needs to prioritse things differently. Family then a dog possibly?

I think at this time anger is easier than pain and hurt.

Youre both understandably upset about your dad. And its hard for you both in different ways.

I think the message was unfair, but what can she do with a family emergency. I imagine this issue with SiL isnt great for her either. Her sister for a week is different to SiL for an open ended period.

I think if you usually have a good relationship accept that her having a long term guest when your dad is so poorly might have her on edge and youre a safe space to kick off at when this started. Then love her enough to let it go